Sick kids and work

[wallypops3]

My work situation is that I work Tuesday to Friday and my ds4 goes to preschool on these days. Last week I had to take most of the week off because he had a viral winter bug. Nasty cough, high temperature, generally lethargic and unwell. Just wanted rest and cuddles. On the first day my dh looked after him but he had work commitments for the rest of the week. I took Wednesday and Thursday off. By Friday I thought he’d improved a little so I sent him back to pre school and went to work. Got a call at midday saying his temperature was up again and he was upset so I had to leave work and go collect him.

My workplace doesn’t have a policy for child sickness and I have used up my annual leave (the final two days on the Wed and Thurs last week). When I went back to work today I felt like my boss was a bit short with me and asked how I planned to cover it. I am able to work from home but boss wouldn’t allow it in these circumstances which is fair enough but realistically I’d have been able to get stuff done as he was mostly asleep on the sofa or watching tv. There are far more distractions and chatting in the office to be honest.

Anyway it’s left me feeling a bit down and deflated. We have no family to support us in situations like this and I don’t expect it’s the first and only time he’ll be sick this winter. I don’t take the piss but when my dc is unable to go to childcare what choice do I have? I feel very guilty to my employer but also very guilty for sending dc back to pre school when he clearly wasn’t ready. How do you address this if you don’t have help?

I've never known anyone use emergency childcare for a sick kid. Most people couldn't afford it, plus what parent is comfortable leaving their clingy upset ill child with someone the child hasn't met.

Realistically if you haven't got any help your options are -

• work from home
• see if nursery has any space any day and put him in extra days and go to work to make up the time
• ask if you can make up the time at the weekend
• ask for unpaid leave
• get your husband to take time off
• call in sick yourself (dangerous as you might then catch whatever it is after your son and genuinely be sick)

I'd sit down with your boss and have a discussion in advance as realistically it's going to happen again, it can't be helped, and at least you'll be on the front foot and showing that you want to find a solution that works best for the business

Most people don’t live in areas where you can just get a nanny from an agency. My eldest is 11 and in all that time in our area I have met one person who uses a nanny. I have never met anyone from our school who uses one. There are not nanny’s waiting around in our area on the off chance someone will need one. Maybe if you live in London or a few other areas but it’s not a service that exists throughout the UK.

I think people really struggle to understand the difference between equality and equity in relationships.

There will always be times when it makes sense for one parent to carry the load of stuff like this.

It sounds like you operate on a similar basis to us: Oh crap, DC has thrown up everywhere. Let’s check the calendar and see which one of us has the quietest day.

It’s common sense really. If one of you is stacked with meetings, the other carries the load. I feel for the husbands who have to cancel a full day of meetings so their wife can go sit in the office and do exactly the same thing she could have done, theoretically, at home!

It sounds like the source of all your problems is a complete nob of a boss, not your husband. If he’d let you work from home, this would have been a complete non-issue.

I don’t think it needs an agency though, you can put an advert in a local paper, the library etc…and do reference check, DBS check yourself. I found great nannies without agencies.

For emergency childcare when a child is sick?

I think most women I know would have lied in these circumstances and phone in to say THEY are ill, as you can self-certify for a certain amount of time. Then pray you don't get sick yourself.

I do think the issue lies with your boss and the culture in the company if you feel your DH is doing his fair share.

It’s unfortunate you couldn’t split it 50:50 this time with him being away. As all your boss sees is you covering 3 of the days and your DH only 1. Yes he was abroad but is it likely this would happen in the future? Only because I had the same thing with DH - a loose agreement to cover some sick days but the reality was he was always on a work trip/ had a very important meeting etc.

If you are confident that your DH does normally cover half the sick days then you need to speak to your boss or HR or go higher in the company. There’s nothing more you can do.

I explained my approach in my first post, in case it’s useful for the OP. Granted it’s not a bullet proof solution, but it reduced my days off by about 50%.

Why would it have be to be someone the child has never met?

This may be why nannies are better than nursery. I think if I’d have gone down that route rather than nursery I may not have had to give up my job and retrain.

There are very few nannies or childminders in my area. Those that do exist are always fully booked with children they provide regular care for.

And this type of scenario is exactly why parents have a statutory right to unpaid leave when their child is ill and needs someone at home to care for them.

It’s honestly not a big deal. Unless you’re a doctor or a surgeon, taking a few days off work isn’t going to be a life or death situation. The time can be made up. The business will survive. Life will go on.

Why are people so hell bent on insisting life be harder than it needs to be?

It’s treating grown adults like they are skiving or something. I really couldn’t work for a company that gives you grief over taking time off to look after your sick child.

If that child is sleeping/resting of course you can catch up with work at home. Or some in the evening once they’ve gone to bed.

It’s in the name of keeping your job. I wouldn’t expect my DH to cancel a business trip, but I would expect him to rearrange meetings so he could share it more equally. We usually decide who does what based on who has the busiest/most important meetings or deadlines and that person chooses which half they take, and what they can rearrange. So 50/50 but prioritizing the most important things. It switches between me and DH having the more important week so it’s not always him deciding.

Yes - if you’ve already taken two days then of course he needs to do his share, meetings or not. His job is not more important than yours - his meetings are not more important than your need to protect your income and financial security.

My dad was a doctor and never failed to step up and do his share.

Absolutely true

and if is is not resting but is whinging crying being sick demanding attention ?

A poorly 3 year old, especially with a temperature will probably happily lie down watching TV while you work, snuggled under a blanket. There's no reason people can't work with poorly children. Yes sometimes you'll be interrupted to sit with them or get a drink but it's a compromise in order to get at least some work done.

OP, I totally feel for you. I'm fortunate that my manager has lots of children herself so is sympathetic, I've never once been asked to take holiday to cover a child sick day. But it's one of the reasons I've stayed in a fairly low paid job for my skillset. It's prevented me progressing in my career as I need the flexibility I have.
it's totally unfair of employers to try to make you feel guilty for taking time off for a sick child.
As a country we are in a situation with a dramatically falling birth rate, and the amount of children born to successful parents who would be likely to be net contributors to society is even lower than the average. These are some of the reasons why!! We now live in a society where 2 parents need to work yet employers don't make allowances for the needs of parents. Parents are almost made to feel guilty for having children. Who on earth do people think will pay taxes when they are old? These kids that are considered such a pain are the future of our country!

There really needs to be a total change of approach and attitude to working parents in this country. So many parents, especially women, are dealing with the constant strain of balancing their work and children's needs, and being guilted for trying to do both. Ultimately women end up giving up work or staying in low paid jobs.
There needs to be better legislation around this. Employers need to be forced to have fair child sickness policies and need to be forced to allow parents (when practically possible) to work from home when a dependant is unwell.

I’m afraid you’re the one who is wrong. There is Employment Appeal Tribunal authority for the fact that time off for dependants is limited to the time needed to deal with the immediate crisis, not to provide personal care for a sick child. Tribunals must follow EAT decisions. The government guidance also aligns with the EAT case law.

Then no you can’t work in those circumstances. A bit of understanding and flexibility is all I’m asking for.

If OP can get some work done then brilliant. If she can’t then she takes the day as leave or whatever has been agreed. Like another poster said - why are we hell bent on making this as difficult as possible?

What happens in other counties? I bet the Scandinavians are better than us at this…

I agree there needs to be a change in the law meaning that companies have to be more supportive towards working parents. It’s short sighted forcing (mainly women) out of well paid jobs as they can’t juggle this.

Both parents should have an agreed amount of days for child sickness.

Nope, you’re wrong.

I assume you are referring to the precedent set by Qua v John Ford Morrison Solicitors, which has been used in subsequent tribunals.

This clearly sets out that:

Time off for dependents is for sudden or unexpected breakdowns in care, not long-term care that could reasonably be planned.

It is for taking time off to deal with the immediate problem (including caring for a child with an acute illness) or to arrange longer term care (in the event of a longer lasting illness).

The EAT authority is that you can’t use section 57A for long-term carers leave, which OP hasn’t done.

In Naisbett v Npower Ltd:

N had to take a total of seven days' absence to care for her infant son when he was too ill to attend nursery…

The employer invited N to a capability meeting where she was issued with a 'first written notification of concern' and warned that she could face dismissal if she had further unsatisfactory attendance due to time off for dependants.

N complained to an employment tribunal that she had been subjected to a detriment for exercising her rights under ERA section 57A. The tribunal upheld the claim, finding that the time off that N sought was both reasonable and necessary - there was nobody else available to look after her son in these circumstances.

Not helpful for the OP but glad I live in Australia. We get 10 days paid personal/sick leave (if a permanent employee) that can be used if we or children are unwell. We can also use it if we are supporting parents with medical issues. The 10 days is cumulative and rolls over each year if not used.

You’re really clear, we are in the same boat. It depends who has what on, it’s so frustrating how many people think that relationship/parenting equality is as simple as ‘it’s your turn’ no matter what else either of you have on. Of course it peaks and troughs at various times for various reasons!

The voice of reason.

FWIW his job is more important than mine in the sense that he earns much more and manages people. But he still pulls his weight and has more opportunity to work from home (usually, last week was an exception) so generally does the same if not more.

But I really do think it’s pretty shitty if people wouldn’t take their partners commitments into consideration and come up with a solution that makes actual sense not just a fair and equal 50/50 split.

I really do feel like I’m banging my head against a wall with some of these comments regarding dh not sharing the load. I’ve explained in depth, twice the reasoning for last week.

I wasn't referring to last week but to the general division of responsibility overall. A lot of men with "big jobs" always have a full calendar that can leave their wife covering far more of these incidents and if it leaves an unfair split over a longer period, you need a rethink