Am I mad to accept I just have to accelerate life is easier when I’m “available” for dh

[Loipoi]

So dh has somewhat unpredictable hours. He can get called out quite late and be home in the very early hours for example. I have a straight forward 9 to 5.

Im 27, dh is 32.

Previously if I knew dh was working late or if he got called out I would arrange going out with friends. We have made the move out to the suburbs so it’s a bit of a commitment to go into the city (40 min train journey). Dh says he happy for me to meet friends when I do this. The only issue when I go out I am out for a while due to the commute. So occassionaly dh will unexpectedly come back home quite early whilst I am out until midnight (is the norm). So we miss those few hours where we can be together.

But tbh Ive just found that my relationship does much better if I just don’t bother going out anymore. Ie I literally sit at home and wait for dh. I don’t think dh is deliberately treating me differently. But it’s obvious we are much more lovey and dovey with this new situation. Dh will come straight over to me and express gratitude for my waiting for him. But it does mean I am frequently bored and home alone.

I almost feel a bit ashamed that I am literally just sat around waiting for my husband. That is not how I normally operate. But if it works it works I guess.

I don’t know whether to swallow my pride or question why dh is so much more lovey when he has a wife who hangs around waiting for his return. I mean obviously I would also prefer to not come home to an empty house if I were him.

You will wake up 20 years later wondering why you spent your life staring at 4 walls for a man.

What exactly is wrong with coming home to an empty house? I do it frequently.

Absolutely couldn’t live like that.

You’re young. Don’t make your world small to make someone else happy.

(this is a slippery slope to abuse as well, isolating you from everything outside the relationship)

Sorry that title is a complete fail

Go out whenever you want, shouldn't matter if you're getting in late unless you've agreed to do something together. We are usually out (seperately) once a week and it really doesn't bother either of us if the other or both are back late!

Why not a compromise? Be at home some days and out some days.

Life is too short and too precious and lovely to waste it sitting on your own waiting for someone to come home.
If he wants someone to be there and waiting when he gets in, tell him to get a Labrador.

Makes my hackles rise, but I do see that if you don’t see each other for a long time it doesn’t really help the relationship.

I do wonder why he got any say as to whether he was ‘happy for you to meet friends’. Why would that be even a question?

Id be looking to have perhaps a bit more of a local social life, and is there a day or two each week where he can not accept on call and you can agree to stay in?

Sounds Stepford Wifish to me...

Very slippery slope. Don't make your life small for him.

Plus, the more it's "normal" for you to be in, the more likely he is to be withdrawn/stroppy when you're not.
Conversely, the more it's normal for you to be out fairly regularly, the less of a big deal it becomes.

Make sure you both make and prioritise time for your relationship, but apart from that, no, please don't waste your life like that.

This OP. In twenty years time you will have lost out on so much living and for what - a few extra kisses? If he stops being as affectionate if you go out then that is a different subject altogether and it's called coercive abuse.

😆😆😆

Why not ask him to message you when he's on the way back?

The smaller you make your life now, the harder it is when you get bored and want to go live it again. Set and manage expectations now,while you can!

i do always tell him to do just that. But if I’m mid meal or literally only just sat down and ordered a drink I tend not to just abruptly rush home. I wouldn’t just abruptly leave a friend who I’ve asked to come out last minute.

Sometimes getting back on the train after a couple of drinks works. Ie if it’s a group.

Do you think your husband is spending an equal amount of time contemplating how to make you happy and giving up an equal number of evenings out so that you don’t have to come home to an empty house?
You could ask him neutrally why it seems that he is happier if you are at home.
If you actively wanted to spend more time with him (which isn’t the question you are asking) you could try to make more friends or find new activities very close to where you live now as it’s good to have local friendships too. But do it because you want to, not because he demands it.

And how does he react if you do that

yiu cannot make him the centre of your life OP to the detriment of yours

I don’t like the sound of him. He gets yanked around by his job and he wants you to wait around on the off chance he turns up. If he can’t manage his time, why are YOU supposed to dance attendance? Tell him to get more organised.

There is another thread running about how a wife now realises that her life/her world grew smaller. It was gradual and she didn't notice at the time. Children now adult and left home.

I'm sorry this is bonkers. Your husband is perfectly fine with you going out when you want. He has not asked you to stay in and wait for him (if he did that would be awful). So why are you doing it?! I am not sure your idea that he's more loving when you wait in is actually based in reality.

I would say that if you have schedules that are a bit ships in the night, you need to actually make sure you spend a chunk of time together at some point in the week. But beyond that just go out and meet your friends!

Overthinking! If I cancelled plans and stayed home, I should hope DH would act pleased to see me! But equally if I decided to go out I assume he would do his own thing and be perfectly happy with that too.

I find it weird that he'd even say that he's "happy" for you to go out with friends - surely that's a given? And also weird that he would thank you for waiting for him. Also, do I understand you right that he behaves more loving if you hang around for him? Do you mean that he gives you a bit of a cold shoulder if you've been out with friends?

Also, did you move out into the suburbs for cost? Did you both make the decision?

DH does evening/weekend work, whereas I am 9 to 5, and he feels a bit bad if I've been hanging around at home on weekends and evenings while he's been working.

I mean, if you're just saying that you take your chances on staying in a couple of times a week when your DH is working and you're both happier, that's fair enough. But it seems like it's a bigger issue than that if you're posting on here?

Yes exactly - if I came home late and found DP had stayed and waited for me, I would be a little confused but I would certainly thank him. If he had my dinner waiting I would thank him rapturously.

But I wouldn't expect or ask him to stay in for me, and if he didn't I'd be absolutely fine.

I can say with near certainty that if you are always at home and waiting for him to come in, he will start to take you for granted.

Better to maintain your social life, but make sure you arrange some time every week at least when you spend the evening/day with your DH. You can always surprise him sometimes, by being in when he doesn't expect you to be, if you want to.

This is very strange. OP, are you talking about 5-7 nights a week or 4-5 nights a month? Do you ever go out when he's not working? Do you work? Does he see friends on his own? Do you socialise together?

And I really don't understand why your life is easier if you don't go out. Is he cold with you if you do?