Am I mad to accept I just have to accelerate life is easier when I’m “available” for dh

[Loipoi]

So dh has somewhat unpredictable hours. He can get called out quite late and be home in the very early hours for example. I have a straight forward 9 to 5.

Im 27, dh is 32.

Previously if I knew dh was working late or if he got called out I would arrange going out with friends. We have made the move out to the suburbs so it’s a bit of a commitment to go into the city (40 min train journey). Dh says he happy for me to meet friends when I do this. The only issue when I go out I am out for a while due to the commute. So occassionaly dh will unexpectedly come back home quite early whilst I am out until midnight (is the norm). So we miss those few hours where we can be together.

But tbh Ive just found that my relationship does much better if I just don’t bother going out anymore. Ie I literally sit at home and wait for dh. I don’t think dh is deliberately treating me differently. But it’s obvious we are much more lovey and dovey with this new situation. Dh will come straight over to me and express gratitude for my waiting for him. But it does mean I am frequently bored and home alone.

I almost feel a bit ashamed that I am literally just sat around waiting for my husband. That is not how I normally operate. But if it works it works I guess.

I don’t know whether to swallow my pride or question why dh is so much more lovey when he has a wife who hangs around waiting for his return. I mean obviously I would also prefer to not come home to an empty house if I were him.

Don't sit at home waiting for your husband. I'm sure he's appreciative when you are home when he comes in. However, you can't spend your time, being bored at home, waiting for him to return. You don't have children by the sounds of it, so make the most of this time, you have to spend with friends. If you're planning on having children, there will be plenty of time ahead, when you'll be at home, because you have to look after your children, whilst waiting his return!

I don’t really understand any of this. Why do/did you originally feel you have to go out and meet friends if your DH is working late or called out? Are/were you scared to be home alone or incapable of occupying yourself or something? Any why would rushing home if he returned earlier than expected even cross your mind? You’re married and live together right? Why are you behaving as if your life revolves around your DH and you can’t possibly exist as your own person? And instead now you stay home but you and he consider it as “waiting for him to get home” rather than you’re just at home doing your own thing like a normal person would?! Sorry but your attitude to this relationship is really bizarre. You realise that you’re also a person rather than just his appendage?

Well how often does this happen? Surely there's a compromise to be had.

I would not, and i say this as someone who has been happily with their DH for almost 20 years, sit around waiting for a man.

Yeah every so often it's nice if he unexpectedly gets home early and you're there but fuck sitting around hoping he might come back.

Are you planning on having children? None of my business obviously, but you're going to lose the ability to pop out to the city whenever you want if you are so I'd make the most of it now.

I don’t know whether to swallow my pride or question why dh is so much more lovey when he has a wife who hangs around waiting for his return. I mean obviously I would also prefer to not come home to an empty house if I were him.

But you would also prefer not to be at the mercy of his random work pattern, sitting at home waiting for him. So at what point do you start subtly trying to influence what he does, by "rewarding" him when he gets home early and being a bit cold when he doesn't? Or does it not even cross your mind to try and manipulate him like that? Why does he do it, and why don't you do it? (These are rhetorical questions!)

Christ alive. You’re 27. Waiting at home like a dutiful wee wifey for a husband who, it sounds like, sulks if you’re not there.

How about he changes job???

Or you could change husband. Because this one doesn’t sound great.

Was going to say this. If he is out 4 days a month you be out for 2 of those days etc. No hard and fast rules.

I don’t think dh is deliberately treating me differently. But it’s obvious we are much more lovey and dovey with this new situation. Dh will come straight over to me and express gratitude for my waiting for him

I don't quite understand the issue here.

If you're home and can spend an evening together, obviously you're going to be 'more lovey and dovey' together on those evenings simply because you're there. It doesn't sound like your DH have any expectations of you - it's simply that if you're home when he gets in from working late, he presumably finds it nice to get some time to spend with you. That's fairly normal, no? But it doesn't mean you have to do that every single night he's working late. It doesn't sound as if he's cold or uncaring towards you when you do go out, just that on those nights you're inevitably going to be ships that pass in the night, and there won't be the opportunity to be 'lovey and dovey'.

I would have assumed that the normal thing to do would be to go out some nights and stay in some other nights, so I don't quite see that there's any dilemma here.

First answer nails it!! Op when dh and I started having problems who had my back? Never ever let your friendships slide, they’re your core. Of course your dh is your right hand but they’re your centre

edited to add as are your family

Would he do it for you?

Surely there’s a balance and you don’t go out 5/5 week days, plan to be out for at least 2 per week so you maintain your own social life and hobbies etc

If I'm understanding this correctly OP, sometimes you go out when your DH is called out. Sometimes he's out till the early hours, and sometimes he comes back an hour or two before bedtime. And you don't know in advance really which it will be. The times he comes home in time for you to spend time together before bed, or to be there at bedtime, he doesn't like it when you're not home because you've gone out.

It's quite weird, to be honest. Most reasonable people wouldn't expect you to sit at home while they're working, and they would realise that naturally you'll still be out if the job they've been called to happens not to be a long one.

Is he all over you when he gets home and you're there because he wants sex? Is that how he winds down from these call-outs? Not saying that that's OK, I'm just trying to figure out the dynamics. Or maybe he likes you waiting at home for him as kind of like a mother figure.

Anyway, no, you should NOT wait around for him. If you do, this control will get worse and worse. It's already worrying that he shows lots of "approval" of you not going out. There should be no difference in his affection whether you go out or stay in. Sure, it might be easier now to cave, but that is one slippery slope.

I voted YANBU in error.

Because this sounds suspiciously like he’s training you to be his adoring lap dog - always waiting for his approval and presence.

Wgen you say he’s so much more ‘lovey’ when you patiently wait for him to announce his presence, what is he like when you’ve gone out and he has to wait for you to come home?

You are so young to live like this - it sounds so bleak! The gloss will wear off after a couple of years!

I didn't think it sounded like he was sulking - she says he's always appreciative when she's there, but there's no indication that he sulks when she isn't?

I would have assumed that there's more affection when she's there simply because it means they have a bit of time together, not because he resents the times when she's out.

To me, the obvious answer sounds like compromising and having some nights out with friends and some nights at home with him, or just accepting that there will be less closeness just for purely logistical/[practical reasons if the OP goes out every single time he's working late. Obviously it would be nice if he was home more often himself, but I'd assume there's nothing he can do about that given that it's his job.

Yes.

Don't do this. One day you may have children and you'll have a lot less freedom and spend plenty of time waiting around for your DH to get home. Don't waste the flexibility, social life and friendships you have now.

Go and live your life.

I’ve been happily married a long time.

Never, ever let your friendships or family slip.

He shouldn’t want you to be isolated and without friends either.

You come home to an empty house every day - he’ll survive you having the odd night out.

How does he act when you have been out or are going to go out?

If you feel he is withdrawing and being sulky and pouty about it then I'd say? That's much more concerning as he is basically trying to control you.

If its a case that you've noticed you just get on loads better the more you hang out - that absolutely doesn't mean you shouldn't see friends and wait in for him, but that situation more about figuring out how you both get decent quality time together as it helps you both to feel connected.

They might look a bit similar but they are very different situations. So my first question is key to the advice you receive here I think.

He is happy for her to go out when he’s not there, as though he gets a say in what his wife does with her own time. And there’s a difference in his behaviour.

Yes, I’m taking that as a man who sulks when wifey isn’t waiting for him with open arms. Of course she can go out when he’s not there! Just as long as she’s back when he is.

🙄🙄🙄🚩🚩🚩

that

I can't understand the thread at all

I guess it depends whether the distance is natural because you don’t see eachother as much and he might be already in bed when you get home etc., or whether it’s deliberate. So he’s moody/grumpy/distant/cold the day(s) after you’ve gone out.

If the first one, I’d split my time between him and friends. If the second, I’d reconsider the relationship.

There's absolutely no evidence of sulking in what the OP's written? At all?

All we know is that he's happy for her to go out and also happy to see her if she stays in... in other words he is happy either way, which seems normal. Everything else is in her head.

So he doesn’t like you out without him, and you don’t like being in without him. You’re both a bit needy by the sounds of it.

I don’t know what to advise, both of you would irritate the life out of me.

A man doesn’t get to have an opinion either way about what his wife does with her time. It’s such a weird thing to say, as though him not being happy is also on the table, or like he’s doing her a favour.

The OP is clearly uncertain about his behaviour.

I didn't read it as him granting her permission (which would be very odd, yes), more the kind of thing you say in a normal conversation where you say you're going to meet friends and your partner says OK.