Am I mad to accept I just have to accelerate life is easier when I’m “available” for dh

[Loipoi]

So dh has somewhat unpredictable hours. He can get called out quite late and be home in the very early hours for example. I have a straight forward 9 to 5.

Im 27, dh is 32.

Previously if I knew dh was working late or if he got called out I would arrange going out with friends. We have made the move out to the suburbs so it’s a bit of a commitment to go into the city (40 min train journey). Dh says he happy for me to meet friends when I do this. The only issue when I go out I am out for a while due to the commute. So occassionaly dh will unexpectedly come back home quite early whilst I am out until midnight (is the norm). So we miss those few hours where we can be together.

But tbh Ive just found that my relationship does much better if I just don’t bother going out anymore. Ie I literally sit at home and wait for dh. I don’t think dh is deliberately treating me differently. But it’s obvious we are much more lovey and dovey with this new situation. Dh will come straight over to me and express gratitude for my waiting for him. But it does mean I am frequently bored and home alone.

I almost feel a bit ashamed that I am literally just sat around waiting for my husband. That is not how I normally operate. But if it works it works I guess.

I don’t know whether to swallow my pride or question why dh is so much more lovey when he has a wife who hangs around waiting for his return. I mean obviously I would also prefer to not come home to an empty house if I were him.

You are being unreasonable not recognising that your H is a controlling knob. Fuck him off and live the life you deserve

If there is a discernable difference in how attentive and affectionate he is between greeting you when you've been out vs greeting you when you've stayed at home then he is training you to stay at home. Staying at home is working to earn his affection.

If this is the case you need to run. If you have kids he will find a way to make sure his job always gets in the way of you having any kind of social life.

At 27 you probably cannot imagine how easily you can slide into a dysfunctional borderline abusive dynamic that can steal decades of your life but you don't need to stick around to find out.

no more like when he’s told me last minute that he’s got to work and I’ve been able to arrange a meet up with a friend. He will say he’s glad I’ve chosen to go out and not just take the easy option of sitting in my pjs

It doesnt have to be either or. It could be that sometimes you’ll be home and sometimes you might not be. But you dont have to forgo your social life and you dont have to always make plans when he is out. Need to look for balance

By sitting and waiting I did not mean literally. I tend to bake/ run on the treadmill /skincare

No I do go out if dh is home. At the weekends we try to socialise together though ie invite friends to us

Absolute bollocks. Absence makes the heart grow fonder!

Op just organise your week so that it’s meaningful and enriching to you, nights out with your best friends, hobbies, night classes.

This.

This isn’t 1950! Staying home alone, letting life pass you by, so he is slightly happier when he gets home from work is not a life for you. Don’t feel bad about having your own life, sounds like you are there for him as much as he is for you

Wait. So he praises you for going out, but is then much more lovey-dovey when you stay home?

Why does he have so many micro-opinions about what you're doing or not doing? My abusive, narcissist ex-H was just like this.

I’m intrigued as to what he does where he doesn’t know till the last minute if he’s got to work.

And does he sulk if you’re not there when he gets home @Loipoi?

Why is it one or the other? Why can’t you go out when you fancy rather than every time? Do you desperately need these extra couple of hours?!

If you haven't tied yourself up with kids with this man then it's time to reevaluate the whole thing. You get one go round on this earth. Don't waste your time waiting for someone else.

This is the answer OP.

Also, if you're finding the journey into town is getting a bit old, could you explore things to do nearer to your new home? Somewhere where you can meet new friends - a gym or exercise classes where you can meet other like minded people.

It seems to me you are in a gilded cage of your own making and need to make the effort to break out of it.

This x 100.

Is that really how you want to live your life?

Sounds like a doctor, paramedic, locksmith, or vet during the times when they're on call.

I agree. This x 100. From someone who was on one of those marriages. It only got worse over time.

1940 called, they want their housewife back.

I wouldn’t tolerate DP effectively putting me in a situation where I can’t socialise, it’s not healthy. Red flag

There's loads of nights in a week. Pick one to hqve a regular catch up with friends.
You have the other 6 to be available for dh. Or treat it as if he worked away and you will only see him on the weekends

This is really concerning, as this is such a slippery slope. Right now it seems nice and romantic to stay in for your husband, but fast forward to when you don't know who you are or what you like anymore and you solely exist for him. You have to prioritise yourself or you won't recognise yourself for much longer.
To me this is the early stages of abuse so I'd take a good hard look at the rest of your realtionship.

Can you clarify the difference in his behaviour when you go out ? Is he off with you that night/the day(s) after? Or is it just that there aren’t many opportunities to be lovey dovey if you don’t see eachother that day?

I don't think living in the suburbs is a good idea.

Not necessarily. When OH gets home early it’s more likely we’ll do more stuff together and I will be more affectionate. Simply because he’s there. However if he shows up at 8/9 pm I’m done for the day , or busy with chores. I honestly don’t care if he goes out or not, but my behaviour does depend on the time of day it is. OP says she often comes home at midnight. How much excitement can people muster at that time of day(or night)?

It’s different if he’s also off with her in the days after, but OP hasn’t clarified that yet.