Am I mad to accept I just have to accelerate life is easier when I’m “available” for dh

[Loipoi]

So dh has somewhat unpredictable hours. He can get called out quite late and be home in the very early hours for example. I have a straight forward 9 to 5.

Im 27, dh is 32.

Previously if I knew dh was working late or if he got called out I would arrange going out with friends. We have made the move out to the suburbs so it’s a bit of a commitment to go into the city (40 min train journey). Dh says he happy for me to meet friends when I do this. The only issue when I go out I am out for a while due to the commute. So occassionaly dh will unexpectedly come back home quite early whilst I am out until midnight (is the norm). So we miss those few hours where we can be together.

But tbh Ive just found that my relationship does much better if I just don’t bother going out anymore. Ie I literally sit at home and wait for dh. I don’t think dh is deliberately treating me differently. But it’s obvious we are much more lovey and dovey with this new situation. Dh will come straight over to me and express gratitude for my waiting for him. But it does mean I am frequently bored and home alone.

I almost feel a bit ashamed that I am literally just sat around waiting for my husband. That is not how I normally operate. But if it works it works I guess.

I don’t know whether to swallow my pride or question why dh is so much more lovey when he has a wife who hangs around waiting for his return. I mean obviously I would also prefer to not come home to an empty house if I were him.

Surely in his job he must accept that this is how it is. He wants it to dominate your life too though. Hmm not sure there is a happy path ahead

OP hasn’t clarified yet whether he’s giving her permission, expressing an actual opinion on her going out or whether the conversations go something like.
“Oh , if you’ll be late then I’m going out with Suzie”.
“Ok then, have fun”.

Right?

And sounds like OP does it every day, but it's not something he's expending any mental energy on.

This also resonated:

Do you think your husband is spending an equal amount of time contemplating how to make you happy and giving up an equal number of evenings out so that you don’t have to come home to an empty house?

OP, it sounds like you feel like the junior partner in your marriage. That's not healthy.

Ah thats a terrible thing to say... she chose to get married. He wants to see her when he comes home from making money...why is that wrong ?

This. Surely this is the obvious solution?

This also

I get your desire to make the relationship as good as it can be, but you need a balance. I'd start with having at least one day a month out with friends, like properly. No matter what time DH comes home.

And then the other thing I'd do is take up a hobby or two. One of them being home-based i.e. crafts, reading etc. And the other being social/local i.e. netball, yoga, crossfit.

This would give you a good balance with your city friendships, your DH, but also support you with putting down roots and establishing local friendships.

He’s an adult, why can’t he function home alone for a few hours? You are not the house maid OP, live your own life

He can always get a straightforward 9 to 5 too if he wants to spend more time with you. Compromise is a two way street, or at least it should be.

Do you only go out with friends when he’s out? Why can’t he be alone at home? He’s a grown man.

Before I had kids I went out whenever I wanted and so did my husband, and we did not need each other’s permission. You’re very young. Don’t give up your social life for this man (or for anyone).

She also goes out to earn money but ends up sitting in an empty house waiting for him to get home.

Why isn't that reciprocal?

He doesn't make sure he's there when she gets home from making money.

He gets to live his life/she gets to live her life around his isn't actually how partnerships work. He should be as invested in her happiness as she is in his.

Yes, only men make money. Therefore they have a right to wives waiting at home.

"why dh is so much more lovey when he has a wife who hangs around waiting for his return"

Because you are showing him that he is a priority and him coming straight to you and committing to work which is rewarding to , he is prioritising you and the relationship

I’m a bit confused about the premise. It sounds as if you feel the only options are going out or sitting at home waiting for him. Why not just live your life, go out when you want and stay in when you want? My husband often works late and I love a nice evening pottering on my own- I’m certainly not waiting for him nor do I feel obliged to go out.

I'll tell you why. Because DH is deliberately manipulating the situation with positive reinforcement when wifey is a good girl and stays at home waiting for him. Bollocks to that

Go out.

Go out to see your friend if you feel like it.
And stay at home if you want to be there when your dh arrives back home. Because YOU WANT TO.
Not because it is nicer fir him
Not because you ought yo
Just because that day, you want to spend those hours in the evening with him.
Decide what YOU want, what is working for you. Don’t make your whole life about what is easier or better for him.
There’s a place for that. But not if your wants and needs get erased whilst his take first place.

Also remember, if spending those evenings with you was so important to him, hed have changed jobs by now.
He hasn’t.
Which tells you a lot about how important it is for him.

It’s probably not that deep. She’s there to be lovey dovey with. It’s that simple. I don’t know many people who get lovey dovey at midnight when their partner comes home after a night out. Normally because they’re either tired, or already asleep.

One day a MONTH out with friends??? OP is 27 and doesn’t seem to have any kids yet. More likely to be 2-3 nights out a WEEK (exercise, other hobbies, mates etc)…..

Why should OP make herself smaller for a (manipulative) man??

Do you like being trained?

It's a really good way of isolating you from friends and family. Out one evening a month isnothing.

You're going to end up with no friends and dependent on your husband for your only companionship and I suspect that's what he wants.

You have plans. I wouldn't cut them short or change them just because his plans have changed.

He needs to go up and stop sulking if he is acting up because you are out. If he doesn't like it, he needs a new job with different hours.

If you want to go out then go out and see your friends. But also, this is your home, isn’t it? There’s nothing wrong with being in your own home on your own too. Why are you literally sitting and waiting?
Go out, invite people over, do stuff by yourself, it’s your life op and you choose.

I don’t know whether to swallow my pride or question why dh is so much more lovey when he has a wife who hangs around waiting for his return. I mean obviously I would also prefer to not come home to an empty house if I were him.

One of two things are happening here:

1. Your DH is controlling and wants to keep your world small and rotating around him. If that’s the case, run for the hills.
2. You are imagining it all and he’s not suggesting that you should stay home and wait in for me. Why on earth would he (assuming number 1 does not apply)?

I think I fell into this trap with my exH. The sex goggles were definitely on and I couldn't get enough of him. I think it suited him to have me more keen than him. He would withold his presence as a means of control, looking back now, in my 50s. I feel quite sad for my younger self, but then again I luuuurrrved him.

You don’t say that your husband has asked you to wait in for him, or that he expects you to do so. He has done nothing wrong and said nothing wrong. This is all in your head, you are restricting your own social life for absolutely no reason. So go out & enjoy yourself.