Am I mad to accept I just have to accelerate life is easier when I’m “available” for dh

[Loipoi]

So dh has somewhat unpredictable hours. He can get called out quite late and be home in the very early hours for example. I have a straight forward 9 to 5.

Im 27, dh is 32.

Previously if I knew dh was working late or if he got called out I would arrange going out with friends. We have made the move out to the suburbs so it’s a bit of a commitment to go into the city (40 min train journey). Dh says he happy for me to meet friends when I do this. The only issue when I go out I am out for a while due to the commute. So occassionaly dh will unexpectedly come back home quite early whilst I am out until midnight (is the norm). So we miss those few hours where we can be together.

But tbh Ive just found that my relationship does much better if I just don’t bother going out anymore. Ie I literally sit at home and wait for dh. I don’t think dh is deliberately treating me differently. But it’s obvious we are much more lovey and dovey with this new situation. Dh will come straight over to me and express gratitude for my waiting for him. But it does mean I am frequently bored and home alone.

I almost feel a bit ashamed that I am literally just sat around waiting for my husband. That is not how I normally operate. But if it works it works I guess.

I don’t know whether to swallow my pride or question why dh is so much more lovey when he has a wife who hangs around waiting for his return. I mean obviously I would also prefer to not come home to an empty house if I were him.

Just go out and enjoy yourself as much as possible. He might sulk a bit but he’ll get over it!

One day you’ll possibly find yourself with other commitments, maybe even children… and then you’ll really regret not making the most of every night! Take it from a mum with a toddler and a baby 🤣

The fact that this lady is even considering giving up her social life for a man speaks volumes. Men won’t say it outright, they will manipulate a situation with a high empathy woman, that’s where the assumption comes from.

Hopefully it’s all just in her head. If it is, time for a look into codependency.

It’s a fine line. Having made the decision to marry, there’s a certain commitment expected to the other person but it shouldn’t be based on someone having the sulks either if his circumstances change and you are out.

from your friends point of view, they won’t be around for long if you cut the night short because DH has arrived home unexpectedly early.

However do your friends come to visit you or are they separate from your married life? You shouldn’t always be the one to travel to see them either..

if you plan on having children in the future it’s quite likely your spare time and priorities will change and you won’t be able to head out as you do now… so enjoy that aspect while you can!

if DH is putting on the sulks because you aren’t home when he gets in, then he has to get over that. There’s nothing wrong with missing you of course but you will know the difference.

im 60 so I’ve seen both sides of this situation. We have friends who separated a year ago and she just wasn’t home, he worked from home. They lost shared interests.

how about DH joins with you on occasion to catch up with friends? Do they have partners too?

If he shows you more affection when you stay home waiting for him you are being conditioned and controlled. You go out with friends and come home to a cold response or being ignored and you think its making him upset so I'll be home ready for him in future

Why can't you just happily be at home without him ? Doesn't mean your waiting for him. On the nights you genuinely want to go out go out but when you stay in don't just wait for him. Have a nice night in !

If you want to be home and he wants you to be home then he needs to let you know his schedule ahead of time. Otherwise you are free to plan your time when he is meant to be away from home to suit yourself. He can’t not let you know and then be unhappy you are having your own life.

This! Bloody hell Op, that’s no life!

I can understand that hes affectionate because hes grateful you made an effort to be home for him... thats nice.

Im not convinced by the coercive control thing. Hes not saying dont go out. Hes not playing games. You sacrificed a night out til midnight to spend as much of the evening as you could with him, that must make him feel good. And if hes just happy and expressing gratitude thats what he should be doing. You'd have an entirely different problem if he didnt notice or care.

But I dont see why this needs to be an either/or situation, or why time alone is boring for you.

Id resent feeling lonely, but waiting in and then have times when he doesnt finish early...

Can you go out some of the time but make an effort to some of the time wait in for him?

Or cant he if he finishes early, text you and pick you up?

OP I think it would be a huge mistake to lose your social life sitting at home alone waiting for your DH. You can surely go out some nights and spend other nights with DH.

I voted you're not being unreasonable because I feel that you are trying to be kind and self effacing and that means you're not an unreasonable person. But this situation is VERY unreasonable for you. I think he is being quite manipulative and using your love for him against you. That's really unfair to you. Do you think you can tell him how you feel and see if you can tease out why he's being so passive aggressive? Maybe explain that it makes you feel bad? You're both quite young so I think it's important for you not to give up your own friends and time out. And he's young enough to change.

Making him your whole world is dangerous.

First post. Nailed.

Who needs to read the posts when there’s a man who can be made out to be an arse.

YABU for waiting in! Life's for living, get out there! Don't wait around just to make him happy.

God no I couldn’t do that and I would ditch any man who expected me to sit around waiting for any attention he might give me. He sounds controlling.

You need to Google the definition of “coercive control”.
Even if he says “it’s fine” for you to go out, but his body language or subsequent actions are punishing you, that is a massive red flag.
I’ve been married 21 years and when my wife goes out I’m like “yippee TV to myself”. If it was every night I’d maybe become sad.
but friends are so important and those relationships cannot be allowed to wither. As you get older your friendship group will tend to dwindle naturally as people move away and if you don’t make the effort you’ll really regret it later in life.
Good luck and best wishes to you.

How often is he being unexpectedly called out or having to work late?

Perhaps you can give us a rundown of the last couple of weeks? Certainly you shouldn’t be sitting at home instead of seeing your friends, but surely you’re not wanting to be out until midnight that often on a week night?! Or am I just feeling my years?! 😂

Also with typical MN missing the point, is he actually being called out unexpectedly to work? What sort of work does he do? I guess it’s plausible if he’s a plumber/electrician. But unless he works for himself, he must know in advance when he is on-call? What happens if you already have plans together?

Finally, if you are at home, then he comes & shows you affection. So the reciprocal would be for you to show him affection if he’s in when you get back, not wait for him to come to you.

Wtf are you with him? Get out now. This does not sound healthy at all.

He is deliberately trying to isolate you so you are dependent on him. Fuck that shit. Leave him. What an AH!

Who's idea was it to move and what on earth does he do to have such sporadic hours?

Nailed it in one.
I have so much resentment and regret. Slowly extricating myself to LTB 20yrs down the line.
It’s not worth sacrificing your social life/career/autonomy for someone else, just teaches them you are not worthy of respect and they will end up finding you understandably dull.

So after reading through it sounds like he’s 100% fine with her going out but extra appreciative if she’s home when he returns from work 🤔
Maybe for some reason OP feels because of his reaction she would like to be home a bit more 🤔

1. Plan specific evenings out with your friends in the city , in advance , let DH know that’s what you’re doing and don’t change plans unless you’re ill or there’s an emergency of some sort
2. Try to plan evenings out nearer to home if you perhaps live in a suburb or smaller town are there nice restaurants/ bars / pubs /cafes so it’s easier for you to get back + forth
3. Plan things to do at home by yourself that you enjoy . Anything from watching a TV show he’s not as keen on , soaking in a bath , having a beauty night , reading a good book , crafts etc

We have made the move out to the suburbs so it’s a bit of a commitment to go into the city (40 min train journey). Dh says he happy for me to meet friends when I do this

He's happy for you to go and meet your friends whilst he's working? Gosh what a kind and generous man!

Dh will come straight over to me and express gratitude for my waiting for him.

What?

It’s important to spend quality time together each day when possible, but having a healthy balance matters too. You might find it helpful to set aside one night a week for seeing friends, regardless of whether he comes home early. That way, you maintain your social life without feeling guilty, and it only takes up one or two evenings a week.
It also sounds like living closer to the city could make things easier and help you build a stronger social life. It may be worth considering, especially if you don’t have children yet and it’s possible with your jobs.