Am I mad to accept I just have to accelerate life is easier when I’m “available” for dh

[Loipoi]

So dh has somewhat unpredictable hours. He can get called out quite late and be home in the very early hours for example. I have a straight forward 9 to 5.

Im 27, dh is 32.

Previously if I knew dh was working late or if he got called out I would arrange going out with friends. We have made the move out to the suburbs so it’s a bit of a commitment to go into the city (40 min train journey). Dh says he happy for me to meet friends when I do this. The only issue when I go out I am out for a while due to the commute. So occassionaly dh will unexpectedly come back home quite early whilst I am out until midnight (is the norm). So we miss those few hours where we can be together.

But tbh Ive just found that my relationship does much better if I just don’t bother going out anymore. Ie I literally sit at home and wait for dh. I don’t think dh is deliberately treating me differently. But it’s obvious we are much more lovey and dovey with this new situation. Dh will come straight over to me and express gratitude for my waiting for him. But it does mean I am frequently bored and home alone.

I almost feel a bit ashamed that I am literally just sat around waiting for my husband. That is not how I normally operate. But if it works it works I guess.

I don’t know whether to swallow my pride or question why dh is so much more lovey when he has a wife who hangs around waiting for his return. I mean obviously I would also prefer to not come home to an empty house if I were him.

Controlling.

If you want DC, think twice about ttc with a man who behaves like this!

Look, your life partner should make your life feel bigger, better and brighter.

Don't end up living only half a life.

He's using manipulation tactics to control you.

An unpleasant, red flag of a man.

So he freezes you out when you don't display the behavior that he wants you to display? Yeah, this man does not love you. You are an appliance to him. He has you well trained.

Question is, are you okay with that?

Op you can’t give up you to be an appendage to him. You will regret this bitterly at some point when uouve no friends left.

go out. Do you. He’s a grown up, if he’s in some way making you feel uncomfortable about it, when you go out, and rewarding you, like a dog, for staying in and behaving you need to put a stop to that quick smart.

what you’ve written is really sad. It’s a form of coercive control. And you need to put a stop to it immediately

Join a club. Make friends nearer to home. Go to the Gym. I wouldn’t be sat around waiting but you also need to build a network of friends things to do in suburbia too.

So he dishes out the affection when you are compliant?

Don’t have children with this man. Your needs and time will always come last. His job will always be more important than yours. You’ll become trapped.

Yes. I thought this. Unless it’s just the OP’s way of expressing herself and she’s inferring things he hasn’t actually said (e.g. she asks if he’d prefer her to stay in, he says “of course not, it’s great that you’re getting out” and she infers that he sees this as better than the ‘easy option’ of sitting at home in PJs - I do know people who extrapolate in this way), then I would be a little bit worried.

Sometimes people do overthink things and this comes from their own anxieties/ideas about what they ‘should’ do in a relationship. Other times it’s a partner being a bit controlling. Hard to say which/either here without more detail.

I think it really depends on what kind of person you are: whether you are self-sufficient. Or as George Bernard Shaw said "The golden rule is there is no golden rule." General De Gaulle said "Be yourself. Everyone else is taken."

He may be trying to control you by rewarding you for staying home.
You may just be growing up and learning to be comfortable staying in alone at home.
I don't think it's unusual for a 27 year old to have nights in alone, especially week nights. I don't think it's unusual to be happy to come home to the person you love. It is a problem if someone is staying home due to fear of how their partner will react.

My partner works strange hours and long shifts so I always make sure the house is tidy and relaxing for him to come home to. However, I do not sit around waiting for him to come home.
If he wants someone to come home to, get a cat.

Please don't live like this. Your relationship isn't better when you do this, he manipulates you into thinking it is. This is not a healthy dynamic.

But I’m not in my house “waiting” for my DH just because I don’t go out. I don’t need people to entertain me, I read a book, watch a film, go for a walk. I may meet with friends but I’m also happy in my own company. Why does you staying at home equal you waiting for your OH?

If he had any nous he would go onto dultwork or kpunting.com and find alternatives .... a person who demands so much , although he could be freer and financially better off without that ... as he clearly works a lot - unscoial - and gives his all to household finances ... . . and IMHO should get a commensurate reward - if not then goitalone! . as it's not worth it .

Why don't you join a club locally , then if your dh does make it home early you still have a little time together..

The OP may be overthinking things because she spends too much time on MN, where miniscule things that men do are over analysed and concluded as being abusive and/or misogynistic.

It sounds like he expects you to be at home waiting for him when he has to work late. I personally don't like the sound of that.
It could be the beginning of a lot of other old-fashioned expectations.
What happens when you have kids?
Does he expect you to give up work then?
I think you both need to sit down and discuss your expectations and needs.
Sitting in bored waiting for him to come home during the week is not on from my side.

Do you have any friends where you are now living?
If not, perhaps you could join a local club/gym/activity of some kind to increase your options/social life on week nights.

Is it heckers a terrible thing to say.. unless OP desperately wants to become one of those weird couples who only have each other.

OP does your husband have friends? Does he know yours? Do you socialise with others together? Does he have hobbies or nights out other than going to work?

Why can't he be happily home by himself sometimes? Has that always been do? Maybe he needs an enriching hobby or a pet. Please don't lose your friendship circle, especially if this is not how you normally operate. Losing friends means losing part of who you are and why would a loving partner want that for you?

I feel like nobody has read all of the OPs posts. It doesn’t sound like he resents her going out at all. It’s op that is overthinking.

Nope

You’ll waste your life, as mentioned above, he won’t appreciate it..

Tbh it’s the worst thing you could do. Many men don’t respect kind women. They see it as weakness.

Also, you are already on your way to being isolated. Now he is training you to wait at home like a pet (lemme guess, moodier when you go out)…nah

It's important for you both to have your own social lives and see friends. I don't understand why you feel the need to wait in just in case he comes earlier. You may change your view of coming home to an empty house one day, it can be bliss lol 😆

Surely if you think it is better for your relationship to be home when your DH is home - just come home a bit earlier than midnight? Or come home earlier some days, and stay out later a few days.

What work does he do, is he a doctor?