AIBU to be so shaken and upset by this WhatsApp message from my ex-husband?

[Lilifer]

Hi all,
I am looking for some outside perspective (and I maybe am BU for letting it affect me so much) because I feel shaken and upset after a message from my ex-H last night and I’m not sure whether to reply or leave it.

We are divorced and share five children together. Four are young adults now; only my youngest (17, nearly 18) call him John, still lives at home with me. I work full-time and also share care of my 87year-old mum, who lives 200 miles away. Because of a seizure this summer I’m currently not allowed to drive, so everything is trains, lifts, and juggling work/family/medical appointments. It’s been really difficult as I live rurally and public transport is not great here and I don’t have family support.

On Friday I had a neurologist appointment in the nearest city (about 75 minutes away by train). My 17yo drove me the 30 minutes to the station very early, so he wouldn’t miss any school. After the appointment I decided, since I was already most of the way there, and having checked with my son, that I’d continue down to my hometown via train to see my mum overnight. My son has been home on his own before, and he was absolutely fine about it. I came home the next day, again by two trains.

Last night, I sent my ex a friendly, perfectly polite WhatsApp. He and his partner are flying to Rome today to see one of our sons for his 21st. My sister is that son’s godmother and had a gift for him, so I asked my ex if he could take it over with him rather than risk the post. John was going over to his dad’s that evening, so I said I could give the present to him to pass on. Really straightforward, no drama, so I thought.

My ex is generally very difficult with me, quite bitter, and ignores most messages unless he wants something. So when I saw the first line of his reply pop up (“Thanks, I will deliver Anne’s present…”), I thought, oh, that’s unusually civil.

Then I opened the message properly and the rest of it felt like a kick in the stomach. This was his message:

“Thanks. I will deliver Anne’s present no bother at all.
I wanted to get in touch but wasn’t sure how to as I absolutely do not want you to say anything to John.
I was irritated and disappointed last Friday to be told down the street that not only was John home alone but that he had done a run to the train on a school day.
John is a great young fella and more than capable of looking after himself but I am curious to understand when things changed so that I am no longer informed when you are away??
If it was reversed I have no doubt you would be irritated.
I am also not happy with him driving to the train on a school day. Whilst I fully understand that you are not driving at the minute, I have no idea how much, if any, school he missed and I am sure he could do without missing more school with football, Skiing trip Maths Days & University Days already eating into Upper Sixth.
Had I been asked it is unlikely that I would have objected but I am not going to pretend that I am not annoyed about hearing all about it down town.
Let me know your thoughts and consider what you would think if the situation was reversed.”

I felt the tone was accusatory, condescending and borderline hostile, as if I’d been negligent or deceitful.

For context:
– There was absolutely nothing unsafe about the situation.
– Our son is nearly 18 and perfectly capable.
– He missed no school for me, he only drove me to the early train so that he wouldn’t miss school.
– He’d already agreed to me staying with my mum that night.
– The whole thing is a non-issue blown up into a moral lecture.

It hit me at 9.30pm, after a really long day at work, and it absolutely floored me emotionally. Communication with him always stresses me out, but this felt unnecessarily punitive and completely disproportionate. He could have asked a simple question; instead he delivered a long rant framed as “concern,” implying I’d done something inappropriate or irresponsible.

I don’t know whether to respond and clarify things calmly, reply but set a boundary, or just ignore it say nothing at all because it’s so condescending. He expects a level of behavior from me that he doesn’t hold himself to.

Has anyone dealt with an ex like this, someone who is mostly cold/ignoring, then suddenly pops up with a hostile lecture framed as “concern”? How do you handle it without letting it wreck your evening? I’m also feeling a bit fragile as am facing a likely epilepsy diagnosis and I feel I really can’t deal with this sort of stress from him right now 😔

Any advice appreciated.

That’s a great reply

There's no way you can 'win' any sort of back and forth about this total non issue. He's a fuckwit and you're not, so any response will be met with more fuckwittery.

Team thumbs up here, or if you must reply, ignore the rant and just respond to the bit about the present.

Please don't do this. On the SURFACE his message isn't that bad (I get why he's being a bit sneaky and manipulative), but this just fuels the flames. Go with the incredulous, casual, don't be silly type message I sgugested earlier, or the ignoring/thumbs up one suggested by others, but not this.

Fully agree - no response is best.
That will frustrate him the most as it doesn't give him the satisfaction of knowing he riled you up which the sad little sadist clearly enjoys.

I have an ex who would send messages like this and the only appropriate response is a thumbs up otherwise you get drawn into conversation with them and it continues. I have learnt not to engage and knowing the thumbs up probably really infuriates him is just an added bonus!

It is so tempting to send a proper response (and I have typed so many out in the past and then deleted them) but it’s not worth it.

Don’t reply, this is exactly what he wants. In fact, block him!

This ⬆️ perhaps followed with:- If you prefer to know where/when John will be driving & would like to know when he’s home alone, just ask him to let you know. Ex will know it’s ridiculous to ask a 17/18yro for his daily movements 🙄

I agree. I'm not sure there is anything really unreasonable about the XHs message on its own.

I would have thought letting the kid's other parent know they are on their own is an absolutely normal and resonsible thing to do, especually when the other parent has been unwell.

What about if you had another seizure @Lilifer and got admitted to hospital and didn't come home when expected? Would your 17 year old know what to do? Even if they did, how upsetting would they find it? I have epilepsy and think your undiagnosed seizures is something you need to consider

But... also I have had an abusive XP, and I know that though things may on the surface seem reasonable, abusers are great at using superfically normal behaviors as part of a pattern of evil controlling cuntishness.

If he has history of this, as your last child still just under 18 he will be about to lose the last bit of control over you, and IME this is when abuse can ramp up. If this is an unusual message from him I can see why you are suspicious that he is getting at you. In that case, don't rise to it. Just say "thanks I'll drop the present round" and ignore everything else.

I'm curious how he found out anyway, what does he mean by "told down the street"...?

So lucky you are not married to him anymore. What a nasty pompous twat he is.
I would just send him a thumbs up and concentrate on communicating even less with him in future. Forget what's app or text/ phone. Go back to email only only if absolutely crucial to have anything to do with him.x

Seems quite reasonable to me

I remember seeing a fantastic response from an OP months ago about her ex DH being really controlling over message etc. She was advised to reply with a very simple, 'I've noted your comment's kind of thing. I can't remember the exact wording - perhaps someone else can?

He is being a dick - you did nothing wrong OP. Your DS is an adult and should be able to inform his father of his movements you should not have to be the one doing this any more.

Don’t reply. He’s after a rise from you, it will give him a lot of pleasure to know he’s affected you.

Just ignore him.

He's seventeen, not 10, he has proven himself capable and responsible, if he felt like it he could join the army.
He managed to juggle everything and obviously was ok
Clearly your son is your ex's last opportunity to keep tabs on you and to order you around.
Well done to your son 👏 for helping you and how nice to know he can be left at home alone. As for the ex, yuk! I have an ex like him.

Nah, grey rock. Just send him a thumbs up.

That's what my mate started doing with her dick head ex husband. He no longer sends her controlling bullshit.

So infuriating. I went through this with my gs1s dad. I learnt it was better to ignore. He had the attention span of a gnat and soon moved on to more interesting things like getting arrested for gbh.

It was always about brinkmanship and control. Send the thumbs up op. It downgrades his importance and relevancy. It would have sent deadbeat round the bend. Then just be happy you are largely free of him.

Honestly, he will know you’re rattled. Just thumbs up or else you’re giving him what he’s after.

Yeh is easy to get caught up.
but remind yourself his issues are his.
Say nothing. Ignore or thumbs up.

When you have left an abusive relationship, this kind of message can actually feel both abusive and threatening unfortunately because you have a Pavlovian response to the abuser's displeasure and its inevitable consequences. Sometimes it's hard to remind yourself, when triggered, how little control over you the abuser now has.

He is frustrated that his "nanny/au pair" didn't notify him of a change of routine, so definitely ignore...or he thinks you might have had an night of fun and he's angered by the thought.

JADE, don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain

I wouldn't send that text

it shows you are engaging and its riled you

I would seriously leave it

This type of man is a spoiler, a man looking for attention, wants to be in charge Had I been asked it is unlikely that I would have objected - this line says it all, he thinks you should be asking his permission to do stuff

don't feed the beast, don't give the fire any oxygen

if it comes up at another time, oh yes thanks for your opinion

if you really really must reply

then Id send

Thanks for your opinion, noted

nothing more needs to be said

“John is a young adult. He didn’t miss any sixth form and my plans that night had been arranged between him and me. There was no need to concern you, given he is nearly 18 years old.
I’ll get the present to you, thanks.”

Honestly I think I’d just reply ‘oh shut up Dave’. Who cares what he has to say, the kids are all nearly grown up.

This. And no more

and then try not to think about it further. You haven’t done anything wrong but ex wants to criticise. Just let it go. And good luck with your health results.

This. You are giving him way too much headspace. As an outsider, his message seems polite and honest about his feelings, albeit that he has failed to move with the times and realise that at age 17, it’s fine for John to be alone for a night. Only you know your relationship and whether it is something more than that.

I’d send the message suggested above, maybe making it “and was fine to stay by himself for one night while I visited my mum” after the didn’t miss any school part.

I would reply "John didnt miss any school. Now he is almost 18 i dont see any need to inform each other if we are away."