AIBU to be so shaken and upset by this WhatsApp message from my ex-husband?

[Lilifer]

Hi all,
I am looking for some outside perspective (and I maybe am BU for letting it affect me so much) because I feel shaken and upset after a message from my ex-H last night and I’m not sure whether to reply or leave it.

We are divorced and share five children together. Four are young adults now; only my youngest (17, nearly 18) call him John, still lives at home with me. I work full-time and also share care of my 87year-old mum, who lives 200 miles away. Because of a seizure this summer I’m currently not allowed to drive, so everything is trains, lifts, and juggling work/family/medical appointments. It’s been really difficult as I live rurally and public transport is not great here and I don’t have family support.

On Friday I had a neurologist appointment in the nearest city (about 75 minutes away by train). My 17yo drove me the 30 minutes to the station very early, so he wouldn’t miss any school. After the appointment I decided, since I was already most of the way there, and having checked with my son, that I’d continue down to my hometown via train to see my mum overnight. My son has been home on his own before, and he was absolutely fine about it. I came home the next day, again by two trains.

Last night, I sent my ex a friendly, perfectly polite WhatsApp. He and his partner are flying to Rome today to see one of our sons for his 21st. My sister is that son’s godmother and had a gift for him, so I asked my ex if he could take it over with him rather than risk the post. John was going over to his dad’s that evening, so I said I could give the present to him to pass on. Really straightforward, no drama, so I thought.

My ex is generally very difficult with me, quite bitter, and ignores most messages unless he wants something. So when I saw the first line of his reply pop up (“Thanks, I will deliver Anne’s present…”), I thought, oh, that’s unusually civil.

Then I opened the message properly and the rest of it felt like a kick in the stomach. This was his message:

“Thanks. I will deliver Anne’s present no bother at all.
I wanted to get in touch but wasn’t sure how to as I absolutely do not want you to say anything to John.
I was irritated and disappointed last Friday to be told down the street that not only was John home alone but that he had done a run to the train on a school day.
John is a great young fella and more than capable of looking after himself but I am curious to understand when things changed so that I am no longer informed when you are away??
If it was reversed I have no doubt you would be irritated.
I am also not happy with him driving to the train on a school day. Whilst I fully understand that you are not driving at the minute, I have no idea how much, if any, school he missed and I am sure he could do without missing more school with football, Skiing trip Maths Days & University Days already eating into Upper Sixth.
Had I been asked it is unlikely that I would have objected but I am not going to pretend that I am not annoyed about hearing all about it down town.
Let me know your thoughts and consider what you would think if the situation was reversed.”

I felt the tone was accusatory, condescending and borderline hostile, as if I’d been negligent or deceitful.

For context:
– There was absolutely nothing unsafe about the situation.
– Our son is nearly 18 and perfectly capable.
– He missed no school for me, he only drove me to the early train so that he wouldn’t miss school.
– He’d already agreed to me staying with my mum that night.
– The whole thing is a non-issue blown up into a moral lecture.

It hit me at 9.30pm, after a really long day at work, and it absolutely floored me emotionally. Communication with him always stresses me out, but this felt unnecessarily punitive and completely disproportionate. He could have asked a simple question; instead he delivered a long rant framed as “concern,” implying I’d done something inappropriate or irresponsible.

I don’t know whether to respond and clarify things calmly, reply but set a boundary, or just ignore it say nothing at all because it’s so condescending. He expects a level of behavior from me that he doesn’t hold himself to.

Has anyone dealt with an ex like this, someone who is mostly cold/ignoring, then suddenly pops up with a hostile lecture framed as “concern”? How do you handle it without letting it wreck your evening? I’m also feeling a bit fragile as am facing a likely epilepsy diagnosis and I feel I really can’t deal with this sort of stress from him right now 😔

Any advice appreciated.

I lived alone and had a child at 17. In less than a year he’ll presumably be living away for uni anyway, right? Your ex needs to get a grip, a night alone won’t harm him, he isn’t a baby! Also driving you to the station when it didn’t disrupt anything he needed to do is no issue.

hi OP. finding this thread interesting and will continue to watch. just last week my children (ages 16 and 18) were at a planned, routine night at their dad's house. i found out the following day that dad had actually gone to his girlfriends house overnight, and wasn't home with the kids. i say kids and yes i need to accept they are not kids anymore. however, i did feel a bit miffed about not knowing he had left them alone overnight, and have challenged myself on why i am bothered. nothing was really likely to happen to them. they are pretty sensible. i am surprised they managed to get themselves up for college in the morning though! be interested to hear whether you reply to him or not. i have not challenged their dad over this as i couldn't really pin down why i was upset, so have kept it to myself.

I used to reply ‘noted’ to any shitty messages from my ex husband. I think it happened about twice then he gave up. I just didn’t engage with him due his previous obnoxious behaviour.

Also, seeing as John is old enough to drive, he's old enough to be capable of responding to the questions dad is asking you about school. It's a dig, clearly.

Bollocks and youre really reaching

Im team “thumbs up” too!

Just block him. For my own mh I never communicated with my exh once dc started secondary school...
Your ex is a twat. As I am certain you are aware. Delete the message and pretend he is dead... One day that will be true and it's truly life changing.

He's an absolute dick. One rule i have learnt with people like him you never ask for any favours, keep contact absolutely minimal, which you should be able to as your children are grown up.

I really feel for you. This is the type of thing my ex would have done (he eased off since he became more serious with his partner thankfully) and I totally get that stressed panic feeling especially on top of other issues.

My first thought was that of course he "absolutely doesn't want John to know", probably because he knows he's being ridiculous and John would tell him that. That line just says everything. If it was a serious issue, he'd talk to John. He has just seen an opportunity to be a sanctimonious dick and rattle you and grabbed it with both hands. Please try not to lose sleep over it.

I'd go with @Fluffyholeysocks message: 'No need to worry, John didnt miss any school. I'll send the present over tonight, thanks for taking it'. Let him know you're totally unrattled by his stupid message.

@Itsseweasyits the first time I have asked my son to take me to the train before school, it only meant leaving the house at 7.45am, and I had no other way of making my train and my consultant appointment. John has stayed on his own both in my house and his dad’s for 2 nights before, so it’s not a once off, and he’s taking John out of school for an entire day next week to visit a uni in England, not on an open day either just on spec - which I don’t have an issue with actually but he never ran that past me, and he doesn’t seem concerned about a missed day at school so he just wanted an opportunity to have a pop at me, if his concern was genuine he could have picked up the phone or even messaged in a less patronising scolding way.

Honestly, that’s made me laugh. At him; not you.

What a pathetic little man.

Honestly if you explain how you caught a train that was earlier than necessary to ensue your DS didn't miss any school I expect you will be accused of not letting your DS have enough sleep.

Hopefully once DS is 18 less and less communication will be needed between you and dickhead

Just a laughing face is all he would get from me. Perhaps with a ‘now that John I s a young adult perhaps you’d be better addressing your concerns directly to him’

"John didn't miss any school. As you say, he's capable and a few months away from being an adult, so we made a plan that worked for us both. Thanks for delivering the present."

And then just thumbs up any more messages.

He sounds like a fuckwit, trying to throw his weight around for as long as he can, especially as he has form for being bitter and not responding to messages.

I wouldn’t respond at all but if I did it would be along the lines of, it’s got fuck all
to do with you and as he didn’t miss school he’s got nothing to complain about

What a prick. Thinking he’s the Big Man giving you a proper telling off.

I would reply with a “No school missed. Thanks again for taking the present”.

How about, 'Wasn't it good of John to get up so early to get me to the train and still get to school on time, he's growing into such a fine young man we can both be proud of. I'm afraid my mum is getting old and it was logical to carry on to see her, after the stressful hospital appointment, since John had no objections and he hardly needs a baby sitter these days. I am afraid I am expecting bad news from the hospital but we hope for the best. It is so nice that you are concerned for us, I hope you are keeping well.'

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. You can't win this one. Don't try.

I wouldn’t ignore that personally.

I’d reply ‘If the roles were reversed I would check the facts before getting irate. John is almost an adult, I’m sure if you ask him, he will tell you what actually happened. Thanks for taking the present.’

This would be my reply to him.

Me too! I can just imagine him sitting there thinking he is Billy Big Bollocks typing out his patronising message 😂

I don't know a nice dig back to get his apoplexy going.

I feel there are two ways to handle this. The first is to mute and archive him so that you do not get any late night messages and you can pick as and when you are happy to check to see if he has messaged.

The other, oh so petty but perfect way is to bombard him with messages non stop about every little decision relating to John. Every. Little. Thing. what he will eat for breakfast, what you watching on TV together, bed times, getting up times. EVERY FUCKING THING. petty but oh so very funny.

This is exactly what the Ex would say he is doing to anyone who asked "im just concerned about John" and what it looks like he's doing on the surface however he's actually just being a massive controlling twat.

Unless you have been on the receiving end of the 'just looking out for John' 'just worried about you' 'trying to be supportive' 'you seem to be overreacting are you ok' 'i can't talk to you when you are like this' kind of manipulation its hard to spot.

Your ex is clearly a twat. I want to say that upfront.

I would say, however, that the message tone is not nearly as bad as it feels to you. Don't get me wrong, it's an entirely unnecessary, ridiculous message, but I think you have been understandably triggered by his past history of shitty and controlling behaviour. I say this only in an attempt to help you take a step back.

You have subsequently said that not only did John have no issue with taking you, or with staying alone overnight, but he has stayed alone previously while at both your house and his father's house.

Needless to say, it's that point that shows your ex really is a complete wanker as it's so ridiculosu to be upset THIS time and not any other times. For the record, on previous occassions when John has been left alone, was the other parent informed?

You could ignore it, but I'd be inclined to respond. NOT in a justifying way, and not in an aggressive way but in an almost-amused way.

"Thanks so much for taking Ann's present. John's 17, pretty much fully grown and definitely responsible, and has stayed alone at both yours and mine in the past. it didn't cross my mind that he's not capable, or that, if ne needed, he couldn't contact you or one of his siblings at any point. I'm glad we've raised a caring son who was happy to give me a lift at 7:45 and still made it easily into School. We should be proud of him. Have a good tirp and send my love to Mary and Jack."