AIBU to be so shaken and upset by this WhatsApp message from my ex-husband?

[Lilifer]

Hi all,
I am looking for some outside perspective (and I maybe am BU for letting it affect me so much) because I feel shaken and upset after a message from my ex-H last night and I’m not sure whether to reply or leave it.

We are divorced and share five children together. Four are young adults now; only my youngest (17, nearly 18) call him John, still lives at home with me. I work full-time and also share care of my 87year-old mum, who lives 200 miles away. Because of a seizure this summer I’m currently not allowed to drive, so everything is trains, lifts, and juggling work/family/medical appointments. It’s been really difficult as I live rurally and public transport is not great here and I don’t have family support.

On Friday I had a neurologist appointment in the nearest city (about 75 minutes away by train). My 17yo drove me the 30 minutes to the station very early, so he wouldn’t miss any school. After the appointment I decided, since I was already most of the way there, and having checked with my son, that I’d continue down to my hometown via train to see my mum overnight. My son has been home on his own before, and he was absolutely fine about it. I came home the next day, again by two trains.

Last night, I sent my ex a friendly, perfectly polite WhatsApp. He and his partner are flying to Rome today to see one of our sons for his 21st. My sister is that son’s godmother and had a gift for him, so I asked my ex if he could take it over with him rather than risk the post. John was going over to his dad’s that evening, so I said I could give the present to him to pass on. Really straightforward, no drama, so I thought.

My ex is generally very difficult with me, quite bitter, and ignores most messages unless he wants something. So when I saw the first line of his reply pop up (“Thanks, I will deliver Anne’s present…”), I thought, oh, that’s unusually civil.

Then I opened the message properly and the rest of it felt like a kick in the stomach. This was his message:

“Thanks. I will deliver Anne’s present no bother at all.
I wanted to get in touch but wasn’t sure how to as I absolutely do not want you to say anything to John.
I was irritated and disappointed last Friday to be told down the street that not only was John home alone but that he had done a run to the train on a school day.
John is a great young fella and more than capable of looking after himself but I am curious to understand when things changed so that I am no longer informed when you are away??
If it was reversed I have no doubt you would be irritated.
I am also not happy with him driving to the train on a school day. Whilst I fully understand that you are not driving at the minute, I have no idea how much, if any, school he missed and I am sure he could do without missing more school with football, Skiing trip Maths Days & University Days already eating into Upper Sixth.
Had I been asked it is unlikely that I would have objected but I am not going to pretend that I am not annoyed about hearing all about it down town.
Let me know your thoughts and consider what you would think if the situation was reversed.”

I felt the tone was accusatory, condescending and borderline hostile, as if I’d been negligent or deceitful.

For context:
– There was absolutely nothing unsafe about the situation.
– Our son is nearly 18 and perfectly capable.
– He missed no school for me, he only drove me to the early train so that he wouldn’t miss school.
– He’d already agreed to me staying with my mum that night.
– The whole thing is a non-issue blown up into a moral lecture.

It hit me at 9.30pm, after a really long day at work, and it absolutely floored me emotionally. Communication with him always stresses me out, but this felt unnecessarily punitive and completely disproportionate. He could have asked a simple question; instead he delivered a long rant framed as “concern,” implying I’d done something inappropriate or irresponsible.

I don’t know whether to respond and clarify things calmly, reply but set a boundary, or just ignore it say nothing at all because it’s so condescending. He expects a level of behavior from me that he doesn’t hold himself to.

Has anyone dealt with an ex like this, someone who is mostly cold/ignoring, then suddenly pops up with a hostile lecture framed as “concern”? How do you handle it without letting it wreck your evening? I’m also feeling a bit fragile as am facing a likely epilepsy diagnosis and I feel I really can’t deal with this sort of stress from him right now 😔

Any advice appreciated.

I learnt the hard way that saying nothing says more than ten thousand words ever could.

He wants to provoke you - don’t take the bait and give him the power.

Thanks all - also I didn’t want to drag John into this and won’t, but just checked with him there when he got in from school and he told me that his dad called into the shop where John works on Saturday acting like he didn’t know I was away, John told him I had gone to visit granny for the night after a doctor appointment in the city and that I would be back that evening - he had a chance to ask John then if he missed school and he didn’t - I also suspect no one mentioned it to him on Friday as who else would have known, John didn’t mention it to anyone and just went straight to school that day and then on him and off to training etc so I think he was just making it look like he bumped into someone down the street who just happened to mention that his son had taken his ex wife to the train that morning and left poor son on his own for the night - yeah right i don’t think so - he didn’t want to say he had heard it from John in case I asked John - in any case it’s all bollocks, it’s a non issue and was totally unnecessary - thanks for all support it made me smile x

My feeling is that he enjoys rattling your cage, and by asking him a favour, he's taking advantage of the situation to see if he can get you to engage in a little defensive justification for his amusement. He knows you want him to take the parcel, so as quid pro quo he wants you to explain, justify and ask for permission. He wants to be in control, and he wants you on the back foot.

I personally wouldn't respond, and would just post the package and never ask him anything again. Tell Anne you were going to send her present with ex, but he was being a dick about it so unfortunately you've had to post it instead.

On the bright side, your DS is nearly 18, so you won't have to deal with much more of his nonsense.

He's a massive twat isn't he. Pompous prick. I'd reply "noted" and leave it at that.

Agree with this response 100%, but what a twat he is!

I’m a widow and frequently used to get information about where my son was in his late teens from other people 😂 normal imo.

I’m team ‘noted’ or thumbs up too. But most of all give him a day or two while you let it lie and get over feeling upset.

The guy is a muppet. Please don’t give him the reaction he so badly craves. Suspect he’s going to struggle now your youngest is basically an adult because he’ll no longer have an excuse to control you.

What a knob

I'd definitely thumbs up him. It will INFURIATE him.

same!

I think given your history you are over emotional and the message was a bit nuts. As others have said just reply back with a thumbs up or don’t respond. Why are you letting him upset you like this? He just wants to throw his toys out and that isn’t your problem. Don’t give him the oxygen to make this worse or waste any energy on it.

Let him do him and you do you.

Stop worrying about the message (who really cares) and concentrate on how you can find calm in the situation yourself.

100% 👍

Oh man, I feel this. My exh could have written this - I've received a few almost identical ones. I usually have to give it a few hours for the rage/unsettled feeling to dissipate before replying in as neutral a tone as possible. The thumbs up emoji is perfect. No reaction for them to feed off. Do not show him he has unsettled you and do not fall into the trap of defending yourseIf. You will just tie yourself in knots trying to be understood when a person like this has no intention of understanding or rational discussion.

This. He doesn't want you showing John because John will be finding out what a controlling dick his dad is, and how he's infantilising his own son in order to attack you.

He's saying don't show John because I'll look like a controlling twat. Which is exactly why you should show John. You don't need excuse or hide his abusive behaviour any more.

This is what I was thinking to reply:

Hi Ex-h
I’m not engaging in this. John is almost 18, responsible, and missed no lessons on Friday.
What I will say is this: I am not going to respond to late-night reprimands or messages written in this tone. If you have a genuine concern, raise it with me in person. Anything sent like this in future will not get a reply.

The only response that message deserved was a "Oh do fuck off you bell end".

Your youngest son is almost 18, this man has literally no hold over you any more. You don't need to care about his thoughts and feelings any more. You can just sit back and laugh at the utter Muppet he is.

This with bells on

I would give it another day or two. It’s very reasonably a frosty response but it shows he’s got to you.

Don’t give your ex a second thought.

your SON is ok with the arrangements and if anything like my 19yo, given all the running about I’ve done for HIM over the years would jump at the chance to help.

he did a Heathrow drop off and pick up for me last year without a moment’s hesitation

you might want to work on WHY you’re still worried about what a man like your noxious ex thinks.

you’re doing nothing wrong, far from it. Sounds like you did a great job raising your kids by the sounds of John.

I would want to reply ‘ oh fgs do fuck off John’ however in reality I would ignore and also block him. You have no need to really speak to him or have him in your life at all. Your kids are all adults now and can completely manage their relationship with him without you being involved at all.

You ex is an ass.
I wouldn't let anything that jerk says to you get to you.
You are so much better off without this petty little man in your life.

I wouldn't bother. Honestly. He'll only feel pleased that he riled you into responding. Just leave it and don't reply, it speaks volumes. I'd guarantee he will send you some smug twaddle back that will piss you off even more. He can't respond to nothing.

He's a sanctimonious twat. Please don't reply at all just send the gift with John.
Ignoring an arsehole winds them up no end.

I voted YABU because in no way should you be shaken and upset by this utterly ridiculous message. Your ex is being a prick. Don't let it get to you.

It was hardly an abusive or threatening message, was it? Can you unpick why its bothering you so much?

I'd reply that he's almost 18 and perfectly capable of looking after himself for one night and no school was missed.

Console yourself that there's not much time left for these ridiculous messages.

if his concern was genuine he could have picked up the phone or even messaged in a less patronising scolding way
He isn't concerned he just wants to have a go at you @Lilifer

Ignore, don't send the text -you are engaging in it and he will respond and it will carry on .

Do not engage in anything other than arrangements for your DS and actually now is probably about right for your DS to make his own arrangements and you can block ex forever.
Ps if you know he's an arse stop asking favours like taking the present over