AIBU to be so shaken and upset by this WhatsApp message from my ex-husband?

[Lilifer]

Hi all,
I am looking for some outside perspective (and I maybe am BU for letting it affect me so much) because I feel shaken and upset after a message from my ex-H last night and I’m not sure whether to reply or leave it.

We are divorced and share five children together. Four are young adults now; only my youngest (17, nearly 18) call him John, still lives at home with me. I work full-time and also share care of my 87year-old mum, who lives 200 miles away. Because of a seizure this summer I’m currently not allowed to drive, so everything is trains, lifts, and juggling work/family/medical appointments. It’s been really difficult as I live rurally and public transport is not great here and I don’t have family support.

On Friday I had a neurologist appointment in the nearest city (about 75 minutes away by train). My 17yo drove me the 30 minutes to the station very early, so he wouldn’t miss any school. After the appointment I decided, since I was already most of the way there, and having checked with my son, that I’d continue down to my hometown via train to see my mum overnight. My son has been home on his own before, and he was absolutely fine about it. I came home the next day, again by two trains.

Last night, I sent my ex a friendly, perfectly polite WhatsApp. He and his partner are flying to Rome today to see one of our sons for his 21st. My sister is that son’s godmother and had a gift for him, so I asked my ex if he could take it over with him rather than risk the post. John was going over to his dad’s that evening, so I said I could give the present to him to pass on. Really straightforward, no drama, so I thought.

My ex is generally very difficult with me, quite bitter, and ignores most messages unless he wants something. So when I saw the first line of his reply pop up (“Thanks, I will deliver Anne’s present…”), I thought, oh, that’s unusually civil.

Then I opened the message properly and the rest of it felt like a kick in the stomach. This was his message:

“Thanks. I will deliver Anne’s present no bother at all.
I wanted to get in touch but wasn’t sure how to as I absolutely do not want you to say anything to John.
I was irritated and disappointed last Friday to be told down the street that not only was John home alone but that he had done a run to the train on a school day.
John is a great young fella and more than capable of looking after himself but I am curious to understand when things changed so that I am no longer informed when you are away??
If it was reversed I have no doubt you would be irritated.
I am also not happy with him driving to the train on a school day. Whilst I fully understand that you are not driving at the minute, I have no idea how much, if any, school he missed and I am sure he could do without missing more school with football, Skiing trip Maths Days & University Days already eating into Upper Sixth.
Had I been asked it is unlikely that I would have objected but I am not going to pretend that I am not annoyed about hearing all about it down town.
Let me know your thoughts and consider what you would think if the situation was reversed.”

I felt the tone was accusatory, condescending and borderline hostile, as if I’d been negligent or deceitful.

For context:
– There was absolutely nothing unsafe about the situation.
– Our son is nearly 18 and perfectly capable.
– He missed no school for me, he only drove me to the early train so that he wouldn’t miss school.
– He’d already agreed to me staying with my mum that night.
– The whole thing is a non-issue blown up into a moral lecture.

It hit me at 9.30pm, after a really long day at work, and it absolutely floored me emotionally. Communication with him always stresses me out, but this felt unnecessarily punitive and completely disproportionate. He could have asked a simple question; instead he delivered a long rant framed as “concern,” implying I’d done something inappropriate or irresponsible.

I don’t know whether to respond and clarify things calmly, reply but set a boundary, or just ignore it say nothing at all because it’s so condescending. He expects a level of behavior from me that he doesn’t hold himself to.

Has anyone dealt with an ex like this, someone who is mostly cold/ignoring, then suddenly pops up with a hostile lecture framed as “concern”? How do you handle it without letting it wreck your evening? I’m also feeling a bit fragile as am facing a likely epilepsy diagnosis and I feel I really can’t deal with this sort of stress from him right now 😔

Any advice appreciated.

@Lilifer the problem which we can see but you can’t is that you’re still trying to justify yourself (to us). You don’t need to do that. Believe that you know how to parent, and that you are a good parent. Believe in yourself. Send him a thumbs up and delete his message so you can’t keep rereading .

From the outside looking in the stress that this man has caused you and is still causing you, please detach, grey rock and concentrate on looking after yourself - your children deserve a mother in their lives that is as fit and well as can be. No good shielding them from their father if you can't shield yourself from him

as for sending him photos etc and keeping him in the loop - he is old enough to keep himself in the loop.

You've kept things civil all these years but he hasn't worked on that one bit. just say hello and move on if you're in the same room - no need to ask how he is as youre not really interested.

honestly OP just don't respond -in fact i wouldn't even send the present over either just post it as you don't want him feeling like hes done you any favors!

i'd just block temporarily and have a break from any communication with him!

Thanks all - to those asking why i didn’t just post the present myself , it wasn’t about saving postage, my sister is really generous and got him a pendant type thing, very small so easy to take in a case, but I wouldn’t want to post it becasue I have posted stuff to him before that has gotten lost in the post so I didn’t want to risk that, and I thought he would be obliging on that, which he was, but took the chance to have a go at me when responding.

i really have appreciated the advice and support here, clearly a lot of you have dealt with this sort of thing too and get it. To those who have never had this sort of person in their lives, you are very very lucky. They drain the goodness out of everything.

Not a criticism Op. My husband has a saying don’t let the madness in meaning don’t engage with some people as it’s not worth it. While a perfectly sensible plan to ask to take the gift if he was a normal sensible person I think just not engaging with the pompous idiot at all is best. You are nearly rid of him.

Just send him a thumbs up emoji lol. It’ll wind him up.

Ignore it.

When it comes to my ex (in fact, many situations) I ask myself what I want to get out of the conversation, and whether there's anything I could say that would have that effect.

In this case, there's nothing that you want to get out of this conversation, so there's nothing that you should say.

And your son is 17. He's perfectly fine to take you to the train early and stay in the house overnight. He sounds like a good boy, who made sensible choices about doing it early so he didn't miss school, and you got to your appointment. Spot on.

Mine are 15 and 12, and they're fine with me leaving them while I pop out for a couple of hours in the evening - in 2 years time, I'll be completely comfortable leaving them overnight TBH - they're sensible kids, and it's not like we're not always in contact these days! If we have to go somewhere early for one of them (or me) then we do it. The occasional early start doesn't kill them.

I'd stick this one up instead 🖕

😂

I’m not blaming you for doing it because it a normal world taking the gift would be the nice thing to do. But in his fucked up world he now had something he sees as being able to hold over you and is probably delighted you ‘owe’ him something for the sake of a tenner postage.

I would avoid asking for anything I could, just so he doesn’t get the satisfaction of being Sir Bountiful (in his demented head!). I would save the favours maybe for when totally desperate until you are not affected by his annoying comments

I am now following https://linktr.ee/highconflictinstitute?utm_source=linktree_profile_share&ltsid=a04993fe-87f1-45db-bf25-afddf744f61c and shall be using their tips and strategies from now to to deal with my ex-h - there is some great info on here

Sometimes I think it’s about putting boundaries in place. It works well for me not to need anything from my ex. He will generally say no or make it look like he is doing me a massive favour. Maybe have a look at the courses woman’s aid offer after controlling relationships. Also your kids are old enough to understand and see for themselves what goes on. Weddings and graduations are rare occasions you don’t need to be his friend just polite.

I tried to post a link but Mumsnet wouldn’t add it so just to say I shall be following The High Conflict institute from now on which has a wealth of advice books podcast and other resources etc to help deal with high conflict people - wish I had access to this way back during the divorce days!

@Lilifer

know that my response is disproportionate and that’s on me, and something I need to work on. Because we live in a small town, close to each other and are still connected financially till youngest moves out I try and walk a fine balance of being friendly and accommodating but also trying to protect my peace, I post him updates a lot, photos of the kids etc if I’ve met up with them, keep him in the loop, most of the time he doesn’t even acknowledge these messages.

I think that, unknowingly, you are still allowing him to control you. This is the habit of a lifetime of that marriage. You probably don't even see it or know you're doing it. It became instinctive and necessary for your 'survival' when you were living in the same house. But now, you aren't and you should be 100% free. You don't need to tell him when you see the DC, send him pictures, etc etc. They are adults, they can let him know what they're doing. You need to step away from their relationship with their dad.

You're doing this to 'keep the peace' just as you walked on eggshells during your marriage. Thing is, that peace doesn't need 'keeping'. You are divorced. That means you live your life, he lives his. And your DC live theirs.

As far as future events (grads, weddings, etc) why do you think that 'advising' him of goings on now will save one iota of conflict and upset then? There will always be something he can beat you over the head with. And as long as you keep reacting he'll keep doing it. Why? Because he enjoys it!!! He loved abusing and controlling you then, why would you think he doesn't still enjoy it now?

I'm not saying to suddenly go NC with him, that would be too obvious and probably stir up a real shit storm. I'm saying to gradually stop telling him things about the DC. And stop telling him when you're meeting up with DC and FGS stop sending him pictures!! By doing so you are actually inserting him into your relationship with the DC. And I'm sure you don't want him there.

Now that your youngest is about to turn 18, this is the time to start slowly 'disengaging'. If you haven't tried it, counseling can help.

by ‘polite’ at events I suggest you smile and cheerily say ‘oh John hello how are you?’ He starts talking and half a sentence in you interrupt and say cheerfully on polite auto talking to strangers mode ‘well it’s good to see you how are you doing?’ And walk off. Nobody can complain about that 😁 but it does nicely convey don’t give a toss about you.

But he doesnt actually have to be in your life anymore, does he?

You dont really even need his number in your phone now. The kids are all old enough to make their own arrangements with him.

If you see him at their events you treat him with polite distance. A simple. "Hello' will do. Talk about what is happening. Dont bother asking how he is because why would you care? If he akss you, answer "Fine" and thats all.

Politeness for the sake of the event/kids sake but no more. He simply shouldnt factor in your thinking anymore. He is irrelevant.

He is just utterly irrelevant to you now. No more, done, gone, zap.

Agree.
You need to cut contact for the sake of your health ... which is much more important than a pendant.

I still have to have at least e mail contact as there are financial ties (that will finish in a year) that we have to communicate about from month to month, but I can limit that to e mail. Other than that, he asks that I let him know whenever I’m visiting his mother as he doesn’t want to call in when I’m there as it’s awkward for her (I don’t think she has an issue with that at all I think it’s him but still I agreed to do that because it doesn’t cost me anything and i don’t want to be the cause of any stress and I think it’s a reasonable request) his mother is very dear to me, I love her like my own, he doesn’t like that, but it doesn’t matter, we keep up our relationship and it is good for us both.

Good idea to limit things to the very occasional business like email. I can see why it irks him that you visit his mother. Maybe you should think about whether seeing her is such a good idea if you genuinely want to move on?

I see his family a lot, I still get on really well with his brothers and their wives, our kids are all very close, and I love his mum, she’s been a mother to me in so many ways because I live so far from my own mother, I visit her once a week and take whichever of my kids happens to be around. I don’t see why I would cut her off just because I am no longer married to her son. Her other sons and their wives are often in my home, they’ve all stayed close and are really good to my kids, I’m actually deeply grateful to have such lovely in laws in my life still, I know it’s not maybe the usual outcomes of divorced, but it’s the way we have managed it as a family.

Also I’ve spent decades trying not to “irk” him and tip toe around his sensitivities, it’s gotten me nowhere, no matter what I do I will always be Public Enemy no1 in his eyes, so I don’t give a fuck anymore, his mum likes me to visit, it does us both good, if he doesn’t like it that’s his problem not mine 🤷‍♀️

I don't think there's a problem with you having a good relationship with his family, in fact I think it's great for your DC that you do. If you want to keep up letting him know when you'll be seeing his mum to avoid awkwardness, I don't see a problem with that. But your relationships with them are none of his business. Hopefully you aren't sending him pictures and updates when you see them.

I'm sure you are enemy #1, but it's also about control. And you do admit (rightly) that it was and will always be thus. This is why I wrote my post upthread Yesterday @ 15:08. So, my advice (again) is to stop allowing him into your relationship with the DC by 'reporting' to him with information and pictures. It's not helping things now and won't affect things in the future, so why bother. Especially with your youngest turning 18 soon. And I use the word 'reporting' because I'm sure he feels that you need to report everything with the DC to him. As far as he's concerned he's still the boss of you. Time to show him he is not.

And I agree that keeping it to emails regarding the financial ties is best. It needs to be completely separate from 'family stuff'.

I agree with the approach you are taking OP, and look at using the BIFF technique.

This guy may get worse as your ex realises that the control he had is slipping away. At 17 this should be a non issue really. But these types cannot let go. You have to do it for him. Treat him like he’s a bit addled.

Yes I agree with all that - I don’t send him regular updates or anything from when I’m with his siblings or mum as I know that would antagonise, more a pic say if I was at a match where our son’s team won, and if he couldn’t make the match I would send him a pic of our son posing with the trophy or whatever, but not that often, but I’ll not be doing it at all from now on, for sure 👌🏻

He definitely is getting worse as time goes on, I used to think that we had managed to pull of a relatively civilised split, but as time goes on it seems he is only getting more bitter and unhappy, it’s not good for the kids, I wish things could be different but will just have to accept that’s the way it is now

My ExH wouldn't attend our DD graduation this summer as he would not sit next to me which was wonderful for me as my DM came with me instead we had a fab day. We split up on good terms but when I applied for maintenance he hated me for it. I know going forward at any event I will be ignored. I would not tolerate bullshit from him though just to keep the peace and we haven't spoken for some years. The kids have a tricky relationship with him which is of course my fault - I have barely spoken ten words to the man in years.

All those saying reply to him I think are wrong, you are just pandering to him and giving him power over you. Stop it he doesn't get a say in your life. The maintenance will end soon so that will be the last you will need anything from him. If he does not want to be civil that is on him not you.