AIBU to be so shaken and upset by this WhatsApp message from my ex-husband?

[Lilifer]

Hi all,
I am looking for some outside perspective (and I maybe am BU for letting it affect me so much) because I feel shaken and upset after a message from my ex-H last night and I’m not sure whether to reply or leave it.

We are divorced and share five children together. Four are young adults now; only my youngest (17, nearly 18) call him John, still lives at home with me. I work full-time and also share care of my 87year-old mum, who lives 200 miles away. Because of a seizure this summer I’m currently not allowed to drive, so everything is trains, lifts, and juggling work/family/medical appointments. It’s been really difficult as I live rurally and public transport is not great here and I don’t have family support.

On Friday I had a neurologist appointment in the nearest city (about 75 minutes away by train). My 17yo drove me the 30 minutes to the station very early, so he wouldn’t miss any school. After the appointment I decided, since I was already most of the way there, and having checked with my son, that I’d continue down to my hometown via train to see my mum overnight. My son has been home on his own before, and he was absolutely fine about it. I came home the next day, again by two trains.

Last night, I sent my ex a friendly, perfectly polite WhatsApp. He and his partner are flying to Rome today to see one of our sons for his 21st. My sister is that son’s godmother and had a gift for him, so I asked my ex if he could take it over with him rather than risk the post. John was going over to his dad’s that evening, so I said I could give the present to him to pass on. Really straightforward, no drama, so I thought.

My ex is generally very difficult with me, quite bitter, and ignores most messages unless he wants something. So when I saw the first line of his reply pop up (“Thanks, I will deliver Anne’s present…”), I thought, oh, that’s unusually civil.

Then I opened the message properly and the rest of it felt like a kick in the stomach. This was his message:

“Thanks. I will deliver Anne’s present no bother at all.
I wanted to get in touch but wasn’t sure how to as I absolutely do not want you to say anything to John.
I was irritated and disappointed last Friday to be told down the street that not only was John home alone but that he had done a run to the train on a school day.
John is a great young fella and more than capable of looking after himself but I am curious to understand when things changed so that I am no longer informed when you are away??
If it was reversed I have no doubt you would be irritated.
I am also not happy with him driving to the train on a school day. Whilst I fully understand that you are not driving at the minute, I have no idea how much, if any, school he missed and I am sure he could do without missing more school with football, Skiing trip Maths Days & University Days already eating into Upper Sixth.
Had I been asked it is unlikely that I would have objected but I am not going to pretend that I am not annoyed about hearing all about it down town.
Let me know your thoughts and consider what you would think if the situation was reversed.”

I felt the tone was accusatory, condescending and borderline hostile, as if I’d been negligent or deceitful.

For context:
– There was absolutely nothing unsafe about the situation.
– Our son is nearly 18 and perfectly capable.
– He missed no school for me, he only drove me to the early train so that he wouldn’t miss school.
– He’d already agreed to me staying with my mum that night.
– The whole thing is a non-issue blown up into a moral lecture.

It hit me at 9.30pm, after a really long day at work, and it absolutely floored me emotionally. Communication with him always stresses me out, but this felt unnecessarily punitive and completely disproportionate. He could have asked a simple question; instead he delivered a long rant framed as “concern,” implying I’d done something inappropriate or irresponsible.

I don’t know whether to respond and clarify things calmly, reply but set a boundary, or just ignore it say nothing at all because it’s so condescending. He expects a level of behavior from me that he doesn’t hold himself to.

Has anyone dealt with an ex like this, someone who is mostly cold/ignoring, then suddenly pops up with a hostile lecture framed as “concern”? How do you handle it without letting it wreck your evening? I’m also feeling a bit fragile as am facing a likely epilepsy diagnosis and I feel I really can’t deal with this sort of stress from him right now 😔

Any advice appreciated.

This. Try not to give it any more headspace @Lilifer.

Ignore. No responses is a response

One day I'm going to figure out how to create training materials for women who are in relationships, or have been in relationships, with these sort of men.

The materials are going to be about giving women the tools to look at the situation objectively, without the gaslighting /Darvo commentary in their heads from these men, while simultaneously adjusting for the irrationality/disordered thinking that these men display. Maybe I'll have to use AI to do it!

So, for example, in this case. As can be seen from this thread, an objective outsider view is that a) John is old enough to stay at home alone if he's happy to do so and b) John did not miss any school, nor did he get up so early his sleep was hugely disrupted so it's a total non event.

But becuase you've had years of emotional abuse and manipulation, including after you seperated, you didn't see that. You questioned yourself. Then you thought about explaining yourself while also attempting to tell him why he was wrong/inappropriate, even knowing that he'd never take that on board.

NONE of that is your fault. But we have to find ways to help people (mostly women) break these patterns. A sort of "break the emotional abuse pattern" version of the Fair Play cards that get talked about on here re household tasks!

And, as also seen on this thread, my AI-generated training materials/cards, need to also provide support and objective view points for when family/friends don't see/understand the abuse and therefore inadvertently make it worse by making the victim question themselves/their responses etc.

My MIL, now that she's finally seen the way exBIL does this, is brilliant. She doesn't challenge him, she doesn't debate with him, she doesn't argue with him - she just laughs at him and walks away. It must drive him MAD becuase for many years, his abuse of SIL was helped because he was very very good at looking "rational" and "reasonable" to PIL who then, without meaning to, helped him to continue to abuse her.

I would help you do this. It's taken me nearly 3 years to get to the point where I no longer justify, argue, defend or explain. It still takes restraint, but I can do it. Getting out of that cycle was SO hard.