Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

Oh god I have! I’ve spend it in the company of the chain smoking boyfriend of an aunt that was quite obviously into younger girls at us, I’ve spent it with parents that hate one another after my Mum told me I had ruined Christmas for daring to mention to my Dad on Christmas Eve that I felt like my Mum didn’t like me, I’ve spent it with my Nan drinking too many snowballs and crying about her own Mum that had been dead at least a decade and also with an alcohol uncle. Actually, typing that out, I think it’s probably good that the OP’s kids are more sensitive, it probably means they’re not damaged yet. There a lot to be said for dealing with shit like that though, I’m literally bulletproof, you couldn’t ruin for Christmas for me if you tried be us I don’t have feelings 😂

Yeah I'm not one of those cool types that would brush off an experience like that as one of those hilarious family memories. Not that I'd call it traumatising but definitely a case of let's do next year completely differently.

I have a very small family in this country, it is literally just my parents and siblings, (all other aunts uncles cousins and other relations do not live anywhere near.)
So, I'm very close to my immediate family,

But we were raised to believe that although Christmas is for family, the definition of family can be extended.
And when you have a friend who's alone, (even if every single person in the family doesn't know that friend), it's a kindness to invite them for christmas.
(Editing to add that for Christmas doesn't mean your friend has to come and stay at your house and spend 48 hours in your company type of thing, I mean making the time to see her and spend time with her and making your friend feel special over Christmas)

If your kids were in primary school or secondary school, you might be able to forgive them for being selfish at Christmas and only thinking about themselves and their own needs but they are adults and they are in University and they must realize that being grown up is hard.

Being in University they must realize that there are kids at their school who can't go home for christmas, who won't see their family.
And what if your kids weren't able to come home for some reason, then THEY would be the ones alone for christmas. Show some freaking empathy for Pete's sake. University years isn't just for putting your nose in a book and earning a piece of paper at the end.
University is about higher learning.
And this is a lesson that they should learn.

Yes precisely, thank you. It wasn’t ideal, that’s okay, we will do things differently next year.

OP, out of curiosity, why didn’t your family leave last year’s Christmas gathering when it turned unpleasant?

You’re a naughty drip feeder @Blizzardofleaves. I would’ve have understood your DC’s reluctance more if you’d explained why your SIL and family got steaming last year- I assumed they got falling over drunk because they’re thoughtless hosts, not because they were dealing with a medical diagnosis. No wonder last Christmas was upsetting.

Exactly this. The “Why can’t they be kind? Where is their empathy? I would be horrified if my children did this” crowd seem to have had an irony bypass. They’re all desperate to show off how lovely and welcoming they would be to poor Sheila; how saving her from the trauma of Being All Alone at Christmas™ - a fate comparable to losing a limb if you listen to some Mumsnetters - is FAR more important than their own selfish enjoyment. But they refuse to show even the most basic kindness towards or empathy for the OP’s children. They had a crap Christmas last year and just wanted a nice, relaxing day this year with their parents, rather than being on their best behaviour and trying to make small talk with a complete stranger. Is it really that much to ask?

The same goes for the “I wouldn’t be asking them; I’d be TELLING them” crew. Acting like two youngsters actually wanting to enjoy themselves in their own home - and it IS still their home - is some kind of crime. Encouraging OP to say “You’re basically here under my sufferance, I’ll do what I please and it’s tough luck if you don’t like it” - what a shitty way that would be to treat her children.

People who announce “My way or the highway” usually do so knowing the other person/people has little choice. And that’s exactly the position the OP’s children are in. Most university students aren’t in a position to find an alternative, especially less than six weeks before Christmas. All the people gleefully telling OP to put her foot down know that.

But there are two things they haven’t allowed for here. One - just because OP might be able to insist on Sheila’s presence, she can’t be sure her kids will play ball. What’s to stop them barely speaking to her; from going off to their rooms or out to the pub immediately after lunch? Not only do they have a miserable time, but Sheila - the person it’s apparently vital to hashtag bekind to - does too, as she now knows very well she wasn’t wanted. Two - their parents’ home won’t be the only option forever for the OP’s children. What if in years to come they decide to spend it in their own homes without inviting their parents, or to go off on holiday? I bet then the same people who are telling OP “Do what YOU want; they are being selfish!!!” would be slating the kids for doing the same thing.

@ToeJob Tbf, I can’t see this Shelia issue causing a family rift unless the family is already rife with tensions. Nor can I see the young adults refusing to interact with Shelia if she did come-unless they’ve got problems that the OP hasn’t mentioned. Most people simply aren’t that rude.

But, now that the OP has fully explained the drunken situation last Christmas, I can see why they don’t want a guest this year.

I also hate the be kind ethos. Sheila should be kind and understand these kids troubles the last few christmases and not wish to have their mother break her promise to them. But more than anything the op should be kind to her own children and keep her promise. Not be kind to her mate and break it. I’m still a little agog someone wrote the op was the nicest one as she wanted to break her promise to prioritise Sheila. Sheila who can spend the day volunteering, Sheila who can book a break away at a spa or luxury hotel. Sheila who has other options.

Your house, your rules. Personally I'd be really disappointed at 'children' this age to be so cold hearted.

It's funny how all the #bekind brigade are so brazenly unkind to OPs children.

Being kind doesn't mean 'be kind no matter what', so you can leave the ridiculous, gimmicky hashtag out of it that instead attempts to eradicate thinking beyond yourself.

Things change. Friends can require loving support. The 'kids' are adults.

Barring all three days is also completely unreasonable.

The main point for me is that it’s just OP’s recent friend and the kids don’t know her! At all! She is not their friend in the slightest.

She’s a literal stranger to them on one of the most family based days of the year. They don’t want to do “polite company” behaviour and I don’t blame them!

It would be very different if it was Auntie Beryl or Mum’s lifelong Bestie who they’ve known since they were born and has been in their house every week for years having a chat.

YANBU. Your DCs sound spoilt and uncharitable. They’ll be home for 2-3 weeks, would it kill them to have a lonely woman come over for Christmas lunch for 3 hours? Teach them it’s not all about them, it’s your house and they don’t get to dictate. Don’t consult them on this stuff in future.

Feel so sorry for OP’s kids, the poor babies

@Cherrytree86 they are not babies!

It didn’t really turn ‘unpleasant’ in a risky way, and I couldn’t just leave my broken hearted sil and pack up and leave, she was literally sobbing in my arms.

Her dc got stuck into the wine because we were waiting for hours and hours. They were trying to make things ‘fun’ but it was anything but fun. It was so sad tbh. It was also the same lounge mil collapsed on Christmas Day and so they wanted it to be a really lovely Christmas and sil was overwhelmed with her news from the doctor. Bil started smoking again in the garden after quitting years ago. There was sniping about that. It wasn’t awful but it was very sad. Sil isn’t well, I couldn’t just up and leave, it would have been heartless to do so.

What are they doing for Christmas this year? How is SIL now?

Yeah I agree. 2 fucked up Christmases and the kids will probably decide to spend next year with friends or on a beach somewhere!

OP promised them a family Christmas first. What has happened to the usual MN stance of “you don’t change things for a later offer” like there was on the Visiting Grandma versus Teen Party thread

So some posters seem to think that OP should insist her kids have their third rubbish Xmas in a row.

Are they trying to make sure that OP will be a Sheila in a few years, when none of her children want to spend Xmas with her?

You don’t know. Sheila might get rat arsed and spend 4 hours bitching about her ex. Fun times.

The problem also lingering is Shelia is known to enjoy a few drinks, and when she does she has a habit of talking over everyone. After last year I really want to try and avoid any upset. I have never minded my friend having a few, she is never offensive but she is a big character, it’s one of the things I like about her.

This Xmas is going to be very hard for her, least of all because it looks like her dc might be moving to the home country of their father next year. One of the dc have applied for uni there. She is understandably really upset, I am anxious if she did come that she would be drinking her way through her pain.

There are quite a few drip feeds coming. I would meet up with Sheila on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, away from your home and DC

What horrible adults. Take no notice and invite her over.
They will soon get to know know her.
Ask them how they'd like to be on their own for Xmas?

People never cease to amaze me how mean they can be.

Ok, so in a year or two I will be a potential Shiela, widowed, only child, no siblIngs, and parents in their 90s. Some of my best Christmases were with my parents and ‘random’ friends. I am dreading the future, but hope I will be able to create big Christmases again once these few hard years are past. I say your children should think beyond their unit. It is one meal, maybe the start of new traditions. Chances are there will be a limit of the ‘jollity’ that your friend will want and she will want to leave after lunch and tea.