Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

I say the kids get Christmas Day but Sheila gets Boxing Day. A decent compromise.

And what about those without families tgen?

What a load of old tripe.

@RubySquid

they should just sit home.

I'm not too sure why you gave your children the casting vote- just tell them that is what is happening,they can complain, but it is only their decision when they have their own households.
You are handing them the power, then saying you are disappointed in their decision- which is exactly why it shouldn't be their decision.
Children will never leave home and have their own lives, if you give them the same agency as if they had their own households- why would they?

Don't invite her for a festive breakfast! The guilt you will likely feel as she leaves to go and be on her own will not be worth it. An evening invite would be better and would give 'Sheila' something to look forward to on the day. Such a shame your children cannot show empathy towards someone being alone over the Christmas period, I find that very sad and selfish even for young adults, being tired from exams is a poor excuse, they'll have 2, maybe 3 weeks off. Failing seeing her on the day, an invite for Boxing day would be thoughtful, and your young adults certainly should not be dictating who you have in YOUR home. Best of luck

But they were by all accounts asked if they were happy. A direct question from their mother which as a parent I would want my children to give an honest answer.

and selfish entitled people wanting everything to bow to their will is subjective isn’t it. You could easily argue that from both sides without difficultly and which would be a doormat for giving in - the kids for conceding the Christmas they wanted/the OP for giving in to Sheila’s hint or as you are indicating the least likely option the OP for letting her children.

because isn’t the truth that most families rely on compromise and democracy - going with the option that most want. unless the OP wants to be a dictator and that does tend to go far more with entitlement

that said maybe I am missing some sarcasm because surely you aren’t seriously saying we don’t have the right to veto who we have dinner with in which case I apologise!

because yes we do have a right to say who we want to have dinner with don’t we

god this thread is making me doubt my sanity now that we are actually thinking it is selfish and entitled to have an opinion about who we spend time with and eat with

It’s your home so you get the final say. I think a good compromise is maybe she just comes Boxing Day or Christmas Eve.

Agree with this totally.

You go home from uni for christmas for comfort, familarity and family time. Not to entertain randoms.

You would be ill advised to have Sheila round - your DC do actually need you and your familiarity more than you think, despite them being big uni kids.

It's easy for people on here to be generous by suggesting you host and you sacrifice your DC's needs. They aren't the ones going to have someone making them feel uncomfortable at christmas.

It's not selfish or entitled or thoughtless to want to spend christmas in your family home, relaxing privately when you are tired and have been away from home. Not one single bit. It's normal.

I’m with McMuffin22. No empathy on the part of your children. I come from a family of seven children, two parents and a Grandma.there was always room for an Aunt and Uncle at the Christmas table and and as we were in our late teens early twenties boyfriends and friends who were on their own would join us. We all loved the big family christmases. I have welcomed people who are on their too. Now we siblings are in our seventies we still gather in December at a family home with our children and great grandchildren. Father Christmas( a family friend) distributes gifts to one and all. Hopefully a tradition that will continue for many more years. For supposedly intelligent children yours are very sadly lacking the most important form of intelligence- emotional. Does not bode well for when they come to host or not you and your husband at Christmas.

There are very many posters on this thread being far much more obnoxious than the OP 's children, who just want a nice quiet Christmas with their family.

Telling someone they should be kind, by posting a spiteful character assassination of them, is pretty ironic.

Hardly. You're lacking in emotional intelligence if you can't see that your way is not the only way, and you criticise harshly yount adults for simply wanting the quiet family Christmas they were already promised, after two awful ones.
Where is your empathy? You don't seem to have any

Newsflash - what your family does isn’t relevant here.

I think it's very different if this is what your family has always done.

I take it that you haven’t mentioned any of this to “Sheila” maybe she would like some time alone to watch what she likes on television, eat what she wants when she wants and even sit and have a good old cry. I certainly wouldn’t want to be sprung on a family that don’t know me just because I am on my own, that would feel very awkward to me.

... can I ask you? What do you actually mean by that?.

It is obviously something to be avoided, being "Sheila" - is her status so unwanted and worthy of contempt because her marriage has ended, or do you mean that her status is so unwanted and worthy of contempt because her children are spending Christmas with their other parent, or perhaps her status is unwanted and worthy of contempt because her friend is worried about her spending Christmas alone. I personally am not seeing anything contemptible in her life so far, so why don't you explain specifically what that is, and what specifically you think I should fear.

OP can give the kids what they say they want - independent of that they are still selfish. They are both studying medicine, supposedly intelligent, and where social skills are highly valued. They were asked a favour by their mother and gave a No veto. The selfish part is that neither had the insight nor the manners to think about how that might feel for their mother, nor the wit to even suggest a compromise. It was completely focussed on their own wishes and to hell with their mother and her "Random Stranger" (how rude is that) friends.

Yes exactly. Easy to be “generous” and “empathetic” when it’s not your home being taken over on Christmas Day by someone you’ve never met, when you’ve been promised a nice quiet family Christmas after a shitty one last time.

If you go into someone else’s house are you “taking it over”?
Would you be aghast if your visit was framed in that way, assuming you behave normally and respectfully?
Would you perhaps think that the person trying to frame your visit along those lines was a bit of a dick?
Or are the rules different for you?

I’d do what the dc want this year as you promised them a family Christmas. Have Sheila round before the dc arrive home for the Christmas break.
Another year, in the same circumstances, I’d start talking about Christmas arrangements alot earlier and insist you have your friend round if that’s what you want.

@SageSorrelSaffron so you are saying you genuinely go through life never being selfish never putting your needs first before others.
because

(a) I don’t believe you

and

(b) if you genuinely believe you do that is not a healthy mindset

Life is a balance of putting others needs first but also crucially for one’s own mental health recognising when actually you need to put your own needs first.

and recognising that when someone is accusing you of being entitled what it actually means is I am upset you aren’t being the doormat and going along with my view and what I want!

People are different and have different boundaries and sometimes it is ok to assert them (and sometimes it is absolutely necessary to do so)

this is one of those situations where it is ok for them to put their needs first, they don’t know Sheila, they don’t owe Sheila anything and it is ok to say in answer to a question No.

Your DC should have Christmas Day and then you should invite Sheila for Boxing Day breakfast so she’s not there the whole day but gets to have some social interaction.
i always remember being a kid and my mum’s friend was a single parent. She popped round uninvited on Boxing Day and my mum was polite but was so annoyed. She kept ranting about her imposing on a ‘family day’ and had no empathy for her poor friend who literally had no family. She just wanted some human contact for herself and her DD some friends to play and share new toys with. I remember hearing about the season of goodwill and thinking my mum was really horrible
We have always welcomed extras on Xmas day- teens boyfriends and a friend who lives away from home etc. Thankfully my kids are kind and welcoming, as is my partner. Totally get your kids POV but I also hate it when people enjoy their family but don’t extend any grace to those not in the same position

they don’t know Sheila, they don’t owe Sheila anything and it is ok to say in answer to a question No.

They do however owe their mother (whom you have utterly made invisible here) some respect.

Look we obviously view this very very differently. You seem to think these young adults are emotionally not robust. My thinking is they are medical students, they are going to experience a lot worse than two middle aged women eating at the same table as them. I am imagining they will be out most nights they’re at home, you view them as sleeping 18 hours a day and not really leaving the house. Your go to position is that they are “Not Copers”, mine the opposite. You think they can’t be around Sheila, my view is they just don’t want to.

Obviously they just don't want to. That's the point. Why would they?

My thinking is they are medical students, they are going to experience a lot worse than two middle aged women eating at the same table as them.
the dramatic hyperbole is yawnsome.