Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

It is entirely relevant to the OP, because their dead nan is the reason they don’t want to have her over!!

Oh come ON OP - first Dead Nan update then Sheila is a Loud Drinker Update after already saying your teens don’t drink and don’t like drunk adults around. Especially after last year’s disaster. And you still set up the thread as if your kids were the ones at fault?

Jumping the shark a bit eh?

Well just maybe her DH doesn’t want Sheila round on a very difficult day for him too, that’s what I meant! but OP hasn’t elaborated on that so far, to where I’ve read in the thread anyway.

Although given the last 2 cracking drip feed updates, I’m just waiting for Self Published Author in Waiting OP to announce her DH has been messaging Sheila and they were caught kissing at the Halloween party. I wouldn’t put it past her.

You can’t be so emotionally illiterate as to think the anniversary isn’t part of the thinking about the day for both your DH and your kids?

The more you post OP, the more I’m on your kids side.
Two less than happy Christmases in a row, loud, dominant, possibly drunk guest they don’t know from Adam. I’d probably stay at Uni if I was them!
You’ve maybe got another 5 Christmas days that they’re not with a partner, possibly spending it with “inlaws” don’t push them away.
Take Shelia out for lunch another day.

Seriously op? After granny dying on Christmas Day, sils messy drunken sick Christmas. Now you throw in Sheila likes a drink and becomes the main attraction.

Your either playing us here or need to go re read your own thread and see how stupid the question even was to begin with as if it wasn’t your thread.

Lol brilliant 🤣

Like you are?

Doesn't Sheila have any other friends?

Bit of a red flag if she doesn't. And why would she want to intrude on a family Xmas when she doesn't know the family and they dont want her there?

Yes I have decided on that solution, with a possible walk on Boxing Day if everyone is asleep. I’ll call Shelia on Christmas Day and give her a gift and a card.

Sheila isn’t a ‘loud drunk’ at all, she likes to have a few wines who doesn’t! She is a lovely person, so we will have a Christmas night out instead. Thank you everyone🙏🏼

I’ve had two grandmothers die around Christmas in the last couple of years and although I feel sad they are no longer with us, it wouldn’t impact my Christmas plans (short of raising a glass to them of course)

I’d be really disappointed in my DC tbh that they were prioritising downtime and chilling in their pyjamas over leaving someone on their own for Christmas Day. They literally have the rest of the break to do that so those excuses wouldn’t be flying with me. I think I’d be having stern words with them to that effect because Christmas isn’t about being selfish. It’s called the season of goodwill for a reason.

I’d tell you to bugger off.

No one is this obtuse.

We grew up with the custom that there was always a space at the Christmas table, because the innkeeper made space in the stable for strangers in need. Over the years, we've all taken friends home or even work colleagues over to my parents. One year we had a midwife on call, a catholic priest and a young army officer. There was always plenty to go around and alot of fun, but this was our custom ( and one I continue)

There is ridiculous hyperbole on both sides. Talk of the kids’ trauma and the ‘emotionally drained’ medical students. I was one and was perfectly capable functioning like a human being after my studies when I came home.

People need to get a grip at both sides of this rather banal discussion about Xmas day arrangements. The OP should consider everyone’s opinion in her household and make a practical plan. No need for the OTT language on either side.

Her kids will cope and Sheila will cope, however things turn out.

I think the OP’s objection is more that the phrase ‘dead nan’ is being bandied around in a mocking fashion and it feels faintly disrespectful towards her deceased mother in law. I sympathise with that sentiment.

It Isn’t unkind to point out here (or for OP to tell them) that their attitude is selfish and thoughtless.

They are so self absorbed they feel entitled to veto who they share dinner with. I would take the view that it is unkind to let them continue thinking that their reaction shows the best and decent side of their character, when it plainly does not.

It is absolutely astounding to me that there are people who think OP should apologize to them, for being so cheeky as to suggest that Christmas Day not be solely centered on them.
If a partner expected an apology in those circumstances, he’d be told to get in the bin.

That’s the thing about selfish entitled people- they want everyone else to bow to their will, throw whatever tantrum is necessary to get it, and think the person serving it up is a fucking doormat simpleton for giving in. But you know that already.

I do get this from both sides OP. Some people feel they can’t fully relax if they’re not around immediate family. I think it would be different if you had 10+ people attending but as it’s only the 4 of you, I do understand your children’s POV.

Could you meet in the middle? Xmas Eve and Xmas day, just the 4 of you then shila comes round Boxing Day afternoon and evening?

i mean this kindly but are you the only option for shila - a friend she’s known for 5/6 years? Is she definitely going to be on her own if you don’t invite her?

I know this goes against lots of posters but ultimately, if both your children don’t want to come if shila comes, I’d choose my children over shila. Especially if they’ve never met her. But hopefully your children will meet you in the middle

Your attitude is selfish and thoughtless. Their's is not.

They have had two horrible Christmas's in a row and specifically asked their mother if they could have a quiet relaxed immediate family only Christmas, which she agreed to. There is nothing at all wrong with them objecting to the plans being changed to include a complete stranger who likes a drink and gets lairy.

If your own attitude here is how you treat your child, prepare yourself to be a Sheila sooner rather than later.

This!

Indeed, they won’t survive being a junior doctor, with the night shifts and hours and high pressure decisions.

I'm so glad. It would have been very unfair on your kids for you to insist on having this woman around on Christmas afternoon. My father and I have had on occasion to put our collective feet down with my mother because she is too nice to people and tries to insist on bringing lame ducks home all the time. It gets very old after a while.

They won't be good doctors because they want to be with family for a relaxed Christmas?
Are you nuts?

How much of the day are they going to be on their phones chatting to their friends while you're cooking etc. We can be selfish when young, your home, they may love her!

Christmas time is family time. Not a time for socialising with friends.