Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

Are we really saying two medical students who probably are fatigued emotionally and physically are horrible adults because they don’t have the mental or physical capacity to deal with a woman they have never met and her emotional needs on Christmas Day?

because it is clear now from updates that Sheila has the potential to centre it all around her and her own needs

nope that isn’t been unkind or mean it is stating what from the updates is a perfectly fair and understandable personal boundary

I hope Shelia's real name isn't Sheila 😂

Not much of a disguise.

We don’t know what the DH thinks do we?

@Blizzardofleaves she would clearly take over and give ln she is hinting she has no problem in doing so

your children want a quiet Christmas and having Sheila round isn’t going to cut it for them

I think whether in laws or Sheila, if they can't behave after consuming alcohol then give them a swerve at Christmas.

As I said previously, we've invited guests who were going through a hard time only to have their problems land in on top of us on the day which was really hard to manage. Now we don't have guests on the day - it's just the three of us.

100% on the side of your children here.

Who wants to spend xmas day with some random friends of their mums. They just want to spent quality time comfortable together with you.

As an aside all this “PJs” talk I find really weird! Wearing pyjamas for the whole of Christmas Day?! We dress up can’t imagine wearing nightwear like I was ill or something

I agree, it's bizarre and creepy. Anyone in my house who couldn't be bothered to get dressed would be told to stay upstairs-and unless they were genuinely unwell, I would not be taking meals up on a tray.

She wont be a stranger for long if they get to know her which they will if she comes over.
We see alot of selfishness with the younger people now.
As its mums house its her choice too.

Come on now! The drip feeds are more of a shower now.

I wouldn’t want her there if she dominates the conversation and make it all about her. Your DC don’t enjoy that sort of environment so it’s not about inviting a friend who would easily slot in. She will make them uncomfortable in their own home when you have promised them a quiet Christmas.

Christmas pyjamas is definitely a thing and it is one which has grown massively in this country

Creepy? 🤨😂 We don’t do PJs on Christmas Day but I see nothing wrong with others wanting to do that. You sound unpleasant if you wouldn’t let a grown adult downstairs in their PJs.

I agree. The virtue signalling and emotional language by some posters is something else. The kids are just asking for what was already promised - a quiet family time.

And a hell of a lot of martyrdom in an older generation

because who wants genuinely to have someone who the OP has described one suspects in the nicest way possible but still comes across as a strong personality who will drink and takeover the whole day

I suspect yes the younger generation are having more boundaries and coming across as selfish because they don’t like what they see in the older generation of constantly insisting others needs must be met

I would be very disappointed to have raised such selfish offspring. And i would be clear to them that my friend will be attending one meal/evening over the christmas period and if they want to make alternative arrangements that's up to them.

For what it’s worth i think you’re absolutely doing the right thing in considering your children’s wishes… the mind boggles at some of the people on here!!!

but i just had another thought when you mentioned that Sheila’s kids might move away permanently… be careful that you don’t set a precedent this year and end up having her EVERY christmas after this too because “you made her feel soooo welcome that first year and it was sooooo lovely to be invited into your home and she had such a great time…” … you get the picture.

It seems like sheila is at a turning point in her life… best to let her find her own way and establish her own traditions first i think!

It doesn’t sound like the kids have even met this “recent friend 5/6 years” so yeah total stranger to them. Not uncomfortable at all of course

That is the drip feed to end all drip feeds - you didn’t think to mention Dead Nan on Christmas in your OP?

@Tiswa has been the most sensible poster on this thread.

@Pinkissmartbut have you read about Dead Nan?!

Her DH may well still be grieving the loss of his Mum

What on earth has that hot to do with uni aged kids

Yay, give your kids a repeat of last year's debacle because you have to be the "nice" person and they'll get the message that your promise to them meant nothing when you can do such good deeds for others while they sit there with their wishes, that you promised to honour, ignored.

They'll soon stop coming and you can do what you want.

The kids and Sheila aren’t friends, that’s part of the point. They don’t know her at all, so yes it would be an effort for them.

One of the pleasures of Christmas Day (and Christmas Eve) is getting dressed up in festive attire. Or, at least in my family it is.

Please can you stop calling my mil ‘dead Nan’ it isn’t kind given how much she meant to us, and it’s not relevant to my op. My question has always been should the dc have the Christmas they hope for or should we invite my friend. The rest is largely immaterial and was just context.