To think there’s something special about my child?

[FallDayAllDay]

I will begin by saying my child can be a real challenge to parent. She is strong willed, determined, likes to be in control of her own day etc. All can be qualities, but can be really tricky in a world where we have places to be and a schedule to stick to. And when she is unhappy, she can be quite turbulent.

DD is 8, and much though she is tricky, she amazes me in equal measure. For example. She got given some wool and knitting needles from a family member when she was 6. She asked me if I would teach her to use them. I said I would but that first I would need to learn how to use them myself. Within a week, she had grown impatient. She took the iPad and searched for tutorials. She came downstairs and had knitted about 15 rows of a scarf, pretty perfectly. This is one of many stories. She has taught herself to play two instruments. She has determination like I have never seen. She will sit for hours until she masters something. Her stamina is incredible, but that’s when it’s something of her own choosing.

At school, she moves between expected and greater depth. By no means the smartest kid in the class, but she is the youngest in her class and each year, seems to move higher. She completes her homework each week, as soon as she gets home on the day the homework is handed out. She has written books of multiple chapters in length. She loves to perform and has carried out solo performances in front of around 250 people, without so much as a butterfly in her stomach. She is funny and sensitive, she has fire in her belly and never gives up.

I know this post sounds braggy, I really don’t mean for it to be. I just sometimes worry that I don’t quite know how to nurture her best. I feel like she always wants to do more, learn more and know more and I’m somehow limiting her by my lack of knowledge, skills and finances to give her all the tuition that she would just revel in. I feel like the life I give her is quite a dull one when she is so vibrant.

Maybe I just see her as exceptional because she’s my child, and I’m programmed to feel that way. I just think the sky could be the limit for her, but I am somehow not going to be able to give her the opportunities that she could have if I were smarter, or more financially secure.

@LemonyMabel fair points. I’ve had my fingers burnt recently on a thread where I shared some very personal experiences and it later got deleted because of concerns about whether the OP was genuine.

All posters saying your DD sounds average - my DD must be significantly below average then as she hasn’t taught herself two instruments, had to be shown how to knit (and promptly lost interest) and writes the odd page of an incomprehensible story occasionally 😂 (don’t worry I actually know my lovely DD is completely normal and fab for her age)

Just let her be a child at the moment. But obviously as she gets older, and secondary school beckons, then look at getting her into a grammar school. She will have to sit exams, but at least that will mean she gets in on merit, and not through private school fees giving her an advantage, where they don’t necessarily need to be brainy, just rich parents (that’s assuming of course that you could afford to send private anyway)

There's a difference between tenacity and willingness to learn and intelligence.

I found in life people who are tenatious and hard working (maybe a previous generation would have labelled them swots) do pretty well up to about A level. Hard work alone can allow them to achieve a lot.

But once you get past that point in many subjects there is a limit to where hard work can take you. No matter how hard you work at maths for example, unless you have some natural talent for the subject it is hard to progress beyond a certain level.

The most intelligent people I have ever met at subjects don't seem to work particularly hard at them. They just have a way of progressing, seemingly without hardly any effort.

So yes her tenacious nature might help her a lot in the early years now, but be prepared for that come down in the future when she may find she is limited more by her intelligence than her ability to put in the hours.

I think everyone feels that way about their child. She does sound very determined and clever!

My son is about to turn 10, has illegible writing and isn't much better at maths but he kicked cancers arse last year and I think he's bloody amazing.

My favourite thing about him is that despite everything he's been through, he hasn't given up on magic or laughter and that innocence I was sure he was going to lose is still very much there. He laughs a lot and he has this wonderful way with people, everyone is his friend.

She sounds great and you sound v proud but she doesn't really sound exceptional? She's not even greater depth across the curriculum and that's a fairly standardised measure.

She sounds lovely and of course you are rightly very proud of her. We all think our kids are special and of course they are, every one of them is unique and what really sets them up for life is unconditional love, loving them because of who they are and not for what they can do and may achieve in the future. I had one parent whose love was conditional and as it damaged me. Enjoy her, love her and value her for who she is. the talents and skills are a bonus

Every single person in this world is special and extraordinary.

But if you want comparisons, she sounds like a bright child, but not exceptional. Just enjoy being her mother!

Make sure:

• you have lots of books in the house, or go to the local library every week.
• Instil in her a love of reading as a way of expanding her horizons and learning
• she does some physical activity to a greater or lesser degree of skill: ballet, tennis, netball, football, gymnastics - whatever, but a love of moving her body in a deliberate way
• involve her in the creative arts - she's onto a good start with knitting! Could you give her music or singing lessons? Or go to a youth theatre class?

Not everything needs to cost a lot - most of these suggestions for enriching her life and expanding her horizons are free or inexpensive.

I agree she sounds really gifted.

I think @FallDayAllDay as you said about she can be a little difficult to parent I would not feel guilty about not being able to provide extra curricular activities.

I’ve seen parents push their kids into so many clubs and activities and the kids just end up stressed and burnt out as they have no downtime - it’s just a constant shuffling between one place to the next with the weight of expectation of parents that “oh I’m paying so much money for this dance class you must do well” etc

Let you daughter have the freedom outside of school to choose her own activities and just being there to encourage and nurture that even if you can’t directly teach yourself is what she needs.

if she likes reading - get to the library, perhaps invest if you can in some additional curriculum resources in case she’s invested in a particular subject - maybe she’d to learn a language.

what about affordable art materials from the works.

sports just make use of the local sports centre for swimming and encourage her to join school teams

let her have the freedom to choose her interests and just keep encouraging her.

Well she must be a pretty high average teaching herself to knit at 6 and to play two musical instruments and to want to be constantly learning. Not sure if you’re just trying to take OP down a peg or two?

I would say the most important thing is for her to be in a loving family environment. I wouldn’t worry about anything else, she seems very self motivated, just let her be.

I always thought my kids were great but self motivated they were not. I just let them be, gave them opportunities if they arose but didn’t worry about it. Both doing well but I doubt either are going to set the world alight.

She sounds wonderful!

It’s lovely that you recognise and celebrate her strengths. It seems she is an independent learner so you can just let her get on with it - why take away her independence by crowding her with your own agenda?

Kids and adults alike can learn loads from YouTube. It’s not all bad!

This being mumsnet i'm surprised you've not had someone diagnose your child with autism.

Sounds like she is very bright and determined, good for her and good for you too. Nothing wrong with being proud of your child.

Hah, yes DD2 exactly the same. Top score for the 11+ and recently nominated for the Dean's Award at university. However, she recently got hopelessly lost in a multi-storey car park. So, yeah, swings and roundabouts.

This is really nice.

OP, if what you mean is that you think she's a genius, do what this mum did and get her tested for Mensa, and then you have a better picture.

She sounds fab, and to be honest, unless you're going to hothouse, there is nothing you should do.
My son wrote a book of poetry at 5 year old, read The Hobbit at 6 ( and understood it), created a stage play of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, which was performed, at age 9.
I left him be.
I, personally, believe that everyone finds their way, just give them the tools, the support, the permission, and let them thrive.
He went on to study at Durham, York St John and Brunel, and is highly successful in his career.
I did nothing but support him in his choices, which included a local drama group and fell running ( I brought the wrong baby home)😆

I think there is so much pressure to achieve these days, it must be unbearable.
My point is, if they're really clever/gifted/intelligent, you need do nothing but support and encourage.

She does sound specially talented and also determined and hard working. My very ordinary kids would get frustrated long before they taught themselves to knit, and have started many books and other projects, but got nowhere close to reaching the end (I do have one who is an excellent classical musician though).
I think your dd sounds great. I'd be proud of her too.

. I just think the sky could be the limit for her, but I am somehow not going to be able to give her the opportunities that she could have if I were smarter, or more financially secure

Relax. All children are constrained by their parents lack of time money and experience.

No doubt loads of children could be F1 drivers or top footballers but just weren't exposed to go-karts and ball skills at the age of 5.

The important thing is your child has a desire to learn. Nurture that and never let it be dismissed or denigrated.

You can use some of her desire to learn to also fill in your own knowledge gaps. You can also just signpost her to places and resources where she can be exposed to many (good) things.

Ideally teach her how to research and find things and resources that you haven't found for her. If you give her any gift that one ability plus her insatiable desire to learn will take her an awful long way.

Oh. And never tell her she's special in that genius-level way. That's a burden for children to carry - there will always be a point where they find someone smarter than thrmselves. But do be open to conversations that's she's bored and wants to go faster than others. Then you can advocate on her behalf.

She sounds like a normal bright and clever child. I work with that age at primary school and a small proportion of the class are like your daughter. Some are much less capable than that and would not be able to attempt to write their own books, have the confidence to perform for others or the drive to do their homework and learn things for themselves. Most are much more average and somewhere between the two.

To brag

She sounds just like me as a child. As an adult I’m the type that will fit some shelves, plumb in a washing machine and repaired the toaster while a man is still looking for good boiler suit and screwdrivers. Is great that she’s so independent!

This was me as a kid - I was reading by age of three and I was a Mensa member by the time I was six. I also had the wilfulness you describe of your daughter. That's how it was described back in the 80's but no doubt these days I would have a diagnosis for pathological demand avoidance. I have done nothing spectacular with my "intelligence". I have to be self-employed in my chosen career because I only want to do what I want to do when I want to do it (cheers PDA). I could have been a brain surgeon, but my "nah, not doing that today" personality wouldn't really fly in such a profession.

Don't label her "special" yet - because you may well find she is a very different kind of "special" to the one you currently think she is and I say that with love, no malice.

Yes parents should think their kids are great - and she sounds lovely.

However - I'm unsure how much of this is just persoanlity or parenting or if it's an issue yoy do have to manage - because from below it could be either.

She is strong willed, determined, likes to be in control of her own day etc. All can be qualities, but can be really tricky in a world where we have places to be and a schedule to stick to. And when she is unhappy, she can be quite turbulent.

I had two very much like this - DD1 went down assemnet route and they ruled out ASD but later one found she has - ADHD - dcd, dsylexia and few other things - DS looking into similar diagnosis. They both have hyper focus thing and disorganisation - one especailly needed head up about upcoming changes and struggled with transitions - all three are like DH with little projects all on the go.

They are both at good uni doing courses they love and seem to be coping really well and they were overall hugely enjoyable to parent.

Money was increblnly tight when they were young and I did worry we couldn't do or give them every oppountity or even one some of their peers had but tried our best and they had happy childhoods and grew up fine - and I think that's a common worry.

I think it’s lovely you’re so proud, many good parents feel the same way you do. I think mine is the cleverest girl ever, and when she was a baby, covered in baby exzema, the most beautiful baby to be born ever.

but it is also important to temper it op, so you can support your child where she needs it, and she will, and does. Like every other human. And thay doesn’t mean money, it means love, a listening ear, and an advocate.

💐