To think life is better in a loving relationship

[AskTheFlowers]

I know there are lots of threads recently about how great being single is and there is a massive push for women to stay single and how much “better” it is. But for me I just don’t agree, life will always be better in a loving relationship with someone that cares about you. (Not abusive relationships) aibu to think life will always be better with a loving partner than single?

No but that tends to be the progression. Company to go out and do things would be nice but I think that would end up being more of a friendship otherwise there's this commitment to message and keep in touch daily. I think I just get overwhelmed with it all tbh. To be a weekend girlfriend sounds more appealing 😂 but my libido has dropped so I wouldn't even want that side of things.

It is for me. Maybe not for everyone, but I tend to think as a rule humans are better in pairs.

Is the "push for women to be single" in the room with us now? I'm pretty sure the overwhelming pressure from society is still for women to get married and pop out a couple of kids.

I'm happily married (with kids) but others should very much do whatever suits them. Life is better when you live it the way you want to. If you want someone, that's great, if you just want to be able to starfish in a king-size bed all to yourself every night, that's also great.

It’s all over mumsnet

Yes, life is better with loving relationships, BUT those relationships don't have to be between a couple.
It can come from friends, family, community, colleagues.
I love having all the people who I love in my life, including DH.

I think the point you’re missing is that a lot of people can’t tell what a happy relationship is and think clinging to any kind of dysfunctional bond is the right way to live.

To the extent that there is any kind of “push”, it’s just enabling women to understand that often being on your own is a) much better than people suggest and b) often far preferable to a mediocre or poor relationship.

I really REALLY don't understand people like you. So you have a certain opinion/belief/preference and anyone who disagrees/thinks differently are definitely lying to you, themselves or both?

Then what's the point of this 'discussion'.

Yes yes OP, you're obviously absolutely right. There are 8.2 billion people in the world and every single one of them, except children and babies, think that being in a great relationship is preferable than being single. If they're saying otherwise, they're totally lying or are in deep denial.

Case closed.

Why not?

Life is better for you when you're in a relationship. I'd say the same, I'm much happier not single, and hopefully DP is too. DPs sister on the other hand? I've known her 20 years at this point, and she's only ever been happy single. She's been out with some twats, she's been out with some good people. But she's happiest by herself. She seems to have finally realised that in the last couple of years, too.

I left an abusive relationship several years ago and, quite honestly, I cannot foresee any circumstances which would make me let someone into my life and space again. And it's not as a result of the abuse, it's a happy side effect of recovery that my standards are now high and all around me I see remarkable women with remarkably crap men.

The rare few who have someone who is their equal still carry far more of the mental load and give up small pieces of themselves for the sake of family life, while their partners swan on, oblivious. Add in the probable/possible care burden in later life as men age and get less active and more miserable, and my personal scales tip to absolutely the fuck not.

Having been in a happy long-term relationship, and having been happy long-term single, I don't believe one is better than the other or that either leads to increased happiness over the other. Both have their plus points, both have their drawbacks.

Biggest relationship plus for me is constantly having a companion. Biggest relationship negative is constantly having a companion.

Biggest single negative is not having someone else around. Biggest single plus point is not having someone else around.

Swings and roundabouts, as they say.

Sounds like you want validation of your choices.

You feel happier in a relationship and its seems like you are threatened by the fact that many of us dont want or need a relationship to feel happy. We have enough in our lives as they are.

Those of us doing it differently or having different preferences doesnt make your choice less valid. But I cant help sensing defensiveness from you about this.

I am 52 and you couldnt pay me to be in a personal relationship because my selfish life is just what I want. I dont want to make the compromises necessary to make a relationship work. If I want to go somewhere I can just go, if I want to eat a particular meal I can just eat it, if I want to move house I can just move. I dont need to negotiate anything and I am happy with that.

For me personally, yes. DH and I have been married over 30 years and I love being with him.

However I've got friends who are equally happy being single. They like their own space, they like being independent.

Neither situation is "better". It depends on the person

Life is definitely not ‘always’ better in a relationship. It very much depends on the person. I’m very happily single and have absolutely zero desire for a relationship, now or in the future. It’s how I am happiest, but you clearly feel different, and that’s ok!

I was happy single, and I’m now happy in a loving marriage. I don’t think of it in terms of being more or less happy, and I’m not sure how I’d even begin to quantify that.

There’s not one way to be happy. My idea of heaven is undoubtedly someone else’s idea of hell, and vice versa. There’s nothing wrong with that.

I suppose reading Mumsnet could make you think a large proportion of women distrust men and don't want relationships but then given the kind of relationships so many women seem to end up in, that's not surprising.

I'm in a happy relationship and have always wanted that for my kids - including youngest who can't decide if she's into men or women. But there have always been confirmed spinsters or whatever the expression, even after the war with all the surplus women, it's quite possible to have a good life without a man /.partner.

Horses for courses I guess.

Why don’t you believe women who assert that they prefer being single?

If you laid out every relationship in the world though, I’d love to see what percentage of ones (especially those after years together where both parties are worn down by the work and health and mortality shit that life throws at you from roughy 40 plus) are loving? Or are together from anything other than necessity? I think you can be as happy single as with someone and I don’t think everyone who is single is lonely or missing something. Edited to add: Being lonely in a marriage is the saddest thing

ps my answer in my 20s or 30s would have been similar to yours

Because it's a bloke on a wind-up.

I agree with you OP, but it’s hard to find that state. I feel very fortunate with my DH but I had to kiss a lot of frogs etc.

If something happens to him I will be single.

If it is a bloke (which tbh I doubt) its more likely a man who is desperately trying to find "proof" that he can show to his fellow incels that we still need them.

Sadly, I suspect that actually the OP is a woman who simply is so at odds with herself as she is, that she cannot fathom the idea of being happy in ones own skin, because she needs validation from others.

Oh trust me - it really is.

I actually disagree, so I've been with my husband 19 years, we've been through the thick and thin of life together and he's a pretty amazing person. He's kind and funny and sexy and amazing in bed and does his share of drudgery.

However 'romantic' rekatio ships are taxing, you have to learn to live together, to forgive each others foibles, to treat each other as resources for the home and childcare and to work out how to manage joining finances.

Every mistake either of you make effects both of you, every victory is shared etc etc but the level of vulnerability needed when you know about each other's every embarrassing moment from parking tickets to haemorrhoids is an awful lot to weather and goes well beyond 'ramance'.

My marriage makes my life infinitely better but it's a knife edge becauE when I was single and every man for themselves you have a freedom to make mistakes etc that only impact you.

Anyway what I really wanted to comment on was the other relationships in our lives and I think those can be as central and meaningful as a standard monogamous relationship. I've one single, child free sister and she has the deepest and kindest friendships I've ever seen. She is loyal and shows up for people a s consequently people show up for her.

Just because you (and I) find our fulfillment in that one on one traditional marriage type relationship in no way dictates that others must do the same.

The happiest time of my life was when I was single. I enjoyed the freedom and spending my money on what i wanted, and even little things like making whatever dinner I wanted without having to consider someone else.

I’m now married and have 2 young kids and am the unhappiest i’ve ever been.

Please believe people when they said they were happy being single.

Why does it bother you so much?

Normally, When a poster like you is so offended about single women, it's because you secretly want to be single 😅

Of course you are not being unreasonable to think that suits you best. Just like I'm not unreasonable to think that being single suits me best.

There's no one right way to live!