And he showed up unannounced ... after I tried to help him.

[MungoforPresident]

This is the first thread I have created, so be gentle, ha.

Okay, I saw a post on Facebook from a neighbour I did not know at all, saying how lonely he was since the death of his wife six weeks ago. Lots of people were saying nice things but I know, having suffered many deaths, that what he probably needed was company and a mind diversion for a few hours.

I said he was welcome for a cuppa at mine, stressing it would be friends only, that I am not looking for a relationship at all (and I hoped that as he was only six weeks bereaved, finding someone else would not be on his mind).

He came over the next day, and spent a massive eight hours here, by which time I was way past my work start time but as I am self-employed and we were getting on great and with many interests in common, I didn't make an issue of it.

After he left, I very quickly received a message asking, 'Please please, can we do that again as soon as possible?' and by the next morning, a message saying, 'I am waiting like a kid at Christmas for your reply!'

He also told me he was going to be working next door to me on the Monday morning, obviously dropping this news into the chat so I could say, 'Why don't you pop in?' Of course, I did not say that or give any encouragement, from which he should have deduced I wasn't into the idea of meeting again so soon.

I also had the feeling he had somehow 'engineered' the work next door to me as he never mentioned that during the Saturday meet-up.

The first time I had seen him was on the Saturday, when he'd arrived at 1pm and left at half past nine in the evening. Bit long for a cup of tea!

I reponded to his messages without showing the same ardour (the ardent messaging was already giving me the heebie jeebies, giving vibes that he saw me as more than a friend) but I said we could meet up again when I was next free, but that he should be aware I worked a lot.

I stressed I'd let him know when I was off work, and that we could go out and do an activity. I again stressed 'It is nice to meet local friends.'

Incidentally, I really do work a lot, usually around 12-14 hours a day, each day, except Saturdays when normally, I go out with an archaeology group. After that, I always work through on the Saturday night/Sunday morn to catch up.

I also told him that I was about to work an all-nighter from Sunday eve to Monday morning, and that on Monday, I was going to be out on a job all night so needed to catch up on sleep between Sunday night and Monday daytime.

Anyway!

It came to half past nine this morning and there were a few knocks on the door. I had expected it to be a parcel delivery so I answered. AAAAGH! There he was, standing hopping foot to foot, waiting to be invited in!

I was bloody angry and said I had just worked nights and he'd woken me up, which was true, and I'd dragged myself from bed looking like Worzel Gummidge. I must have looked both horrific and horrified!

He was waving two coffees about, which he'd bought at a local garage. I don't even drink coffee and said so, then that I had to go as I needed sleep because I am tonight working all night on a difficult task just as I'd told him. And I closed the door on him.

I was both mortified and embarrassed that he'd put me in that position. What a $$$$ing idiot!

To top it off, I checked the members' names, and he has gone and joined the same club I am a member of, where we go out on Saturdays. So now, I have to expect him to show up there as well. He actually was a member of it two years ago before I joined, and he did not like it. The first thing he told me was how bad it was, trying to get me to opt out of it.

I am in two minds about whether I should message the organiser and ask them to boot him out as he only rejoined the minute after leaving here on the Saturday night!

That's the last time I feel sorry for a bereaved male neighbour which is a shame. I have several male friends who don't behave like this and have never shown up at the door. They wouldn't dream of it!

AIBU to have no tolerance for him showing up like that, and to not contact him again despite his messages still coming on Facebook?

I feel sad that he's lost his wife but it doesn't give him a ticket to stalkerish, creepy behaviour. It's even worse that we have a few good friends in common, and I wonder if he will try to blacken my name for not continuing with the contact.

Having seen how he tried to get me to opt out of the club I am a member of, I would not be surprised.

Thank you, @AmberRose86! That is a really good point. Let's hope so. I am half expecting him to turn up with flowers next, to say sorry ... and there begins a cycle!

Any time I’ve taken pity on a man, I’ve sorely regretted it.

My thinking is that if he had an ounce of self-awareness he would have realised that he’s widely overstep the mark. Surely he would’ve realised that you were horrified when he appeared on your door, uninvited, with a coffee you don’t want and clearly having woken you up. He hasn’t, which is probably not surprising given the fact that he’s now re-joined your group.

You’re going to have to do all you can to damp down his enthusiasm, and also, to be on the safe side,explain to others that your u are only trying to show him a little kindness after his bereavement- in case they all get the wrong idea from what he tells them!

I am coming around to your way of thinking, @nomas! Pity the bext man who posts in the group that he is lonely! For 'lonely', I will be reading 'creepy!'

I think you'll just have to be very busy. Politely tell him you WFH on confidential calls all the time do can't really have visitors in the day. And if he invites you to an evening thing then again be busy.

If he keeps pestering you after you've declined just ignore further messages.

It's a bit annoying he's being this way but hopefully he'll get the message.

I know someone who married his dead wife's BFF two months after her death.

OMFG! There are no words for that, @shuddacuddadidnt!

Aaaaagh! Next time I open my door, he will be down on one knee. Nooooo! You have implanted a horrifying image into my head!

Oh I am cringing. The man has no self awareness and grief doesn’t excuse his behaviour.
Be ready for the next time your paths cross. He sounds so desperate that the message has to be clear. As PP said he’ll no doubt find a new one very soon and you don’t want awkwardness with your neighbours. It’s a shame he has lost a friend when he could do with one.

Oh god, this reminds me of when I naively befriended the awkward, quiet guy at work who was often on his own because I felt sorry for him.
He stalked me for months, had to be forcibly removed from my office by another member of staff and I had to get DH to pick me up for weeks as he used to wait for me outside for hours after he finished so he could catch me walking out. When DH arrived he would zoom away on his bike down the footpath. Honestly scared me to death. Learned my lesson, never again. The extent of my friendliness was smiling and saying hello and how are you, nothing more.

I agree, such a shame! I would have liked a new friend too, being relatively new here. But I do not get along with people who foist themselves on others.

At heart, I am a really private and fairly insular, self-contained person and I do not even knock unannounced at my closest female friend's door, even though she lives just a few doors away. We always make an arrangement by WhatsApp and neither of us just shows up.

One thing I am grateful for is my eight-foot wall that surrounds my house on all sides. Sod's law, this morning, the gate was open due to expecting the parcel. Never again.

I will have to have the couriers launch all my deliveries over the wall like they do at other homes in the area. 😅

Trouble is, they often find women who are happy to take pity on them.
Old friend of mine, useless on his own, turned into a total tramp within weeks of divorce - married to a neighbour within 18 months. Another one to one of his deceased wife's best friends, herself recently divorced, within a year. Neither particularly happy marriages, but just people propping each other up.

My thoughts exactly. He’ll probably be mortified once a few months have passed by and the op might receive an apology from him. (Also with you about people in general 😊)

Gawd, this is awful. And even worse at work when everyone else can see what is going on! The outright shame, and the bit I just can't get my head around, is that if they did not behave in such an unhinged way, they'd make a sincere friend. They are their own worst enemies.

His head is saying shes not interested but his heart and dick are saying well she might be so I should get in there and not feel sad any more….

He probably needs boundaries established. You may have to tell him repeatedly youre not interested in dating as it feels like he’s not got the message.

cuddles = shag.

sigh. Men.

You're so right, and it is great to have a male input as well. Thank you!

I did take pity on him but no more than I would have if it had been a woman in the community. I am probably blinkered by the fact I have several fantastic male friends with whom I can also pass a very happy afternoon without clock watching.

(Note I said clock, not .... Oh, never mind ...)

I can't think of anything worse than being with someone just for emotional support. I'd get a support dog!

I am so sorry you experienced this OP but your experience is far from unusual.

I have seen at least 10 + threads on this site alone whereby a woman has been kind to a (usually much older) "lonely" male neighbour and he has completely taken advantage and it has eventually turned into unwanted sexual harassment.

I remember one thread in particular a woman said she felt uncomfortable with her older male neighbour who told her how lonely he was and kept knocking on her door for chats. It was about 50/50 split with 50% telling her to be wary and 50% berating her for being so cruel to a poor lonely old man who just wanted a cuppa and some company. Most of us told her that women arent support animals for men.

She came back to the thread later to tell us he had tried to make a pass at her. It was what most of us had suspected.

This man is already treading all over your boundaries by outstaying his welcome and knocking on your door when you havent invited him. NEVER invite him around again. He may be bereaved but if he is truly lonely then why doesnt he try to make friends with other men his age, or join the many social groups we have these days? why is it that it always has to be women to relieve men's loneliness?

This is exactly why I keep male neighbours at a distance, polite but not too friendly. I don't need this shit where I live. And before I get the Not all Men'ers coming for me I have enough lived experience to have learned from my mistakes and come to this sensible decision.

He wants sex.

It's very obvious- the "cuddles" reference when his wife has only just died doesnt really mean cuddles, it means sex.

He sounds like a very unpleasant man to me who doesnt respect women at all.

I find it hard to believe you didn't realise over nine hours had passed. It must have been dark for hours. I don't wear a watch either (none of my family do) because we have the time readily available on the front of our phones. Did you not look at your phone once, or even have a wall clock in your house? Did you not feel hungry when a meal time had passed?

Thank you so much!

He is definitely not coming over again. That line was drawn the moment I saw him dancing about just outside my door, waving coffee at me. I mean, as I had already said that I needed to sleep in the daytimes to prepare for night shifts, what he thought a caffeine-laden coffee would do for me, only he knows.

Plus, as he discovered on Saturday, I have a really good kettle and a cafetiere.

It showed me in that one action (well, two ... coming unannounced and buying coffee) that he did not listen to a word I'd said.

I usually tend not to think 'man' or 'woman' if that makes sense.

I haven't encountered weird men really, never been harassed by any, and have some great friends who never tried it on with me. But there always has to be one!

I just saw someone whose lifelong partner had just died. I don't treat men any differently than women.

Note, once, I had a female stalker who, when she found my gates locked, hitched up her skirt and climbed over them, then spent an hour knocking at the door and peering through windows!

I’d 100% notify the Sunday group that you were getting stalker vibes from this man who coincidentally has just signed up, and don’t want to be alone with him.

YANBU OP

Keep him at arm length and when he turns up to the club I would tell a few people that you felt sorry about his loss and offered a cuppa, then couldn’t get rid of for 8 bloody hours.

Has he tried to contact you since you shut the door on him? Fingers crossed he's got the message.

I avoid phones. Always hated them! Because I do two pressured jobs, I keep the phone face down and tend to conduct my life on the laptop. I didn't feel any time pressure at all until that last hour, mainly because I was getting sick of endless brews!

It must have been dark for hours but the time flew by. I also have a male friend in Cambridge, where we meet at lunchtime in a Cambs pub, and have both been shocked to see it is late when they kick us out at closing time.

That's the thing when you have lots in common, in this case, lots of interests shared. Time just whizzes by. I was shocked to see it was half past nine when he departed because the last time he'd looked at his watch, he'd said 'is that the time?' and it was four, just pre-darkness.

No clocks in view either.

The only sense of 'it must be getting late' came when I realised how often I was putting the kettle on, and also, one of the cats needed an eye clean which is usually every five hours.

And my regular mealtime is about 10 pm because I work nights. :)

Yeah, so have I. So many posts on here from the daughters of widowers suddenly introducing them to Catherine from church or Sue from the golf club. My uncle met and married the receptionist at his vet within about 8 months.