And he showed up unannounced ... after I tried to help him.

[MungoforPresident]

This is the first thread I have created, so be gentle, ha.

Okay, I saw a post on Facebook from a neighbour I did not know at all, saying how lonely he was since the death of his wife six weeks ago. Lots of people were saying nice things but I know, having suffered many deaths, that what he probably needed was company and a mind diversion for a few hours.

I said he was welcome for a cuppa at mine, stressing it would be friends only, that I am not looking for a relationship at all (and I hoped that as he was only six weeks bereaved, finding someone else would not be on his mind).

He came over the next day, and spent a massive eight hours here, by which time I was way past my work start time but as I am self-employed and we were getting on great and with many interests in common, I didn't make an issue of it.

After he left, I very quickly received a message asking, 'Please please, can we do that again as soon as possible?' and by the next morning, a message saying, 'I am waiting like a kid at Christmas for your reply!'

He also told me he was going to be working next door to me on the Monday morning, obviously dropping this news into the chat so I could say, 'Why don't you pop in?' Of course, I did not say that or give any encouragement, from which he should have deduced I wasn't into the idea of meeting again so soon.

I also had the feeling he had somehow 'engineered' the work next door to me as he never mentioned that during the Saturday meet-up.

The first time I had seen him was on the Saturday, when he'd arrived at 1pm and left at half past nine in the evening. Bit long for a cup of tea!

I reponded to his messages without showing the same ardour (the ardent messaging was already giving me the heebie jeebies, giving vibes that he saw me as more than a friend) but I said we could meet up again when I was next free, but that he should be aware I worked a lot.

I stressed I'd let him know when I was off work, and that we could go out and do an activity. I again stressed 'It is nice to meet local friends.'

Incidentally, I really do work a lot, usually around 12-14 hours a day, each day, except Saturdays when normally, I go out with an archaeology group. After that, I always work through on the Saturday night/Sunday morn to catch up.

I also told him that I was about to work an all-nighter from Sunday eve to Monday morning, and that on Monday, I was going to be out on a job all night so needed to catch up on sleep between Sunday night and Monday daytime.

Anyway!

It came to half past nine this morning and there were a few knocks on the door. I had expected it to be a parcel delivery so I answered. AAAAGH! There he was, standing hopping foot to foot, waiting to be invited in!

I was bloody angry and said I had just worked nights and he'd woken me up, which was true, and I'd dragged myself from bed looking like Worzel Gummidge. I must have looked both horrific and horrified!

He was waving two coffees about, which he'd bought at a local garage. I don't even drink coffee and said so, then that I had to go as I needed sleep because I am tonight working all night on a difficult task just as I'd told him. And I closed the door on him.

I was both mortified and embarrassed that he'd put me in that position. What a $$$$ing idiot!

To top it off, I checked the members' names, and he has gone and joined the same club I am a member of, where we go out on Saturdays. So now, I have to expect him to show up there as well. He actually was a member of it two years ago before I joined, and he did not like it. The first thing he told me was how bad it was, trying to get me to opt out of it.

I am in two minds about whether I should message the organiser and ask them to boot him out as he only rejoined the minute after leaving here on the Saturday night!

That's the last time I feel sorry for a bereaved male neighbour which is a shame. I have several male friends who don't behave like this and have never shown up at the door. They wouldn't dream of it!

AIBU to have no tolerance for him showing up like that, and to not contact him again despite his messages still coming on Facebook?

I feel sad that he's lost his wife but it doesn't give him a ticket to stalkerish, creepy behaviour. It's even worse that we have a few good friends in common, and I wonder if he will try to blacken my name for not continuing with the contact.

Having seen how he tried to get me to opt out of the club I am a member of, I would not be surprised.

No, he won't be mortified because he's clearly inappropriate and boundary trampling, and after a few months, he'll have probably got a new girlfriend. I have seen it happen so many times with men, they prefer to grieve with a new woman to listen to their issues, rather than be single, deal with them and then launch into new relationships. The stats of marrying after bereavement for men vs women bear this out. He'll just do this to several women til he finds a new one.

Jesus, what on earth? Am sorry you experienced this. I think creep perhaps too kind a description.

What a sad story. For everybody.

PS. I'm coming up for 66 and I'm no oil painting...but you should see him. (Sorry.)

I've said elsewhere on Mumsnet that he claimed to be in his 50s until he found out my age (via a conversation about pensions - outside the local shop) when he rapidly aged upwards. As I told the other widows "50? His teeth - maybe!"

I never told my husband - didn't want to increase his blood pressure. (He had a heart condition and had had a stroke.)

He used to feel sorry for the bloke because he was a widower.

Just felt compelled to offer my method for politely 'evicting' people from house visits when reasonable hints haven't worked. Especially if they're local and haven't come far.

Wait for a slight pause/ relatively natural lead-in and then gently prise yourself out of your chair with a sigh, smiling saying, "well, on that note, must get on, I suppose. Thanks so much for stopping by. It's been such a long time [other genuine pleasantry assuming you actually want them to still feel liked]. So lovely to see you." Combining it with collecting their teacup or similar and moving gradually in the direction of the front door while keeping up the pleasantries is ideal.

A person with reasonable social graces will immediately realised they're in danger of properly overstaying their welcome and be slightly mortified and in a hurry to leave you in peace (I have been this person - we all have!) but 'Must get on' is a classic phrase for a reason, just in case.

It's nice and non-specific so that the dense can't mistake it for an invitation to join in and the CFs can't try to argue you out of whatever activity you specify. Don't be tricked down that path if they ask exactly what you're getting on with! It's "oh, so much to do you wouldn't believe - it never ends, does it?"

CLAIM YOUR HOME BACK! :-)

I’ll be generous and say that this, frankly bizarre, behavior is a manifestation of his grief.

He is not thinking rationally, so the safest thing to do would be to shut this nonsense down completely.

@MungoforPresident There's no issue with pushing someone away if you need time and space for yourself.

What many people don't realise is that men are far more emotional than women. Men fall in love very easily, and feel love very intensely. Men are desperate to find relationships and to have someone to keep them company. Men are hurt far more by heartbreak. Unfortunately, this is the reason why so many men may exhibit desperate and clingy behaviour, when not being mindful of how women might perceive them.

What many people don't realise is that men are far more emotional than women. Men fall in love very easily, and feel love very intensely. Men are desperate to find relationships and to have someone to keep them company. Men are hurt far more by heartbreak. Unfortunately, this is the reason why so many men may exhibit desperate and clingy behaviour, when not being mindful of how women might perceive them.

Bollocks.

No, it wasn't worth upsetting hubby for sure, plus sounds like you can look after yourself just fine with handling this sort of stuff! It's just the bloomin cheek of him, the no respect for a fellow human going through one of the toughest times that can be had and he had to think through his dick instead. Ugh.

Sorry, that really made me chuckle. Succinct reply!

He's a horror. I felt better once I'd spoken to the other women.

At the gym, another neighbour mentioned him...she was worried that he'd not been seen for a while. After I explained why I wouldn't be checking up on him, she told me that he'd spoken in an inappropriate manner to her teenage daughter!

OMG OP how horrendous. I really feel for you. Now Im in my 60s Im horribly blunt and would tell him outright that his behaviour is completely over the top and unacceptable.
Im afraid this is what you will have to do.
Does this fuckwit really think its ok to spend 8 hours at your place on first meeting and then turn up unannounced. I'd be livid. Just yuck.
Its fine to be horrible about it to him because he has a hide like a rhino and no self awareness whatsoever.
Wife or no wife I'd let him have it.

Omg, teenage daughter?! He is a total sex pest, ugh again, gross. Will keep fingers crossed that he moves out of your neighbourhood soon 🙏and glad the other neighbours have stuck together.

I can’t get over the fact you let him stay for 8 hours!!! I spent 1.5 hours with my husband on our first date and that was more than enough!!

He's a lonely, recent widower- not Jack the Ripper.

I find some of your responses quite weird…..the suggestive ones. I think you’re actually enjoying all this.

Wasn't there a thread on here recently where a woman in her 50s was nice to the old bloke (80s) next door, he had just been widowed and she liked his wife and she went over for a chat because "he must be lonely". And the next day, he came to her door with a pair of his wife's knickers and said she should wear them when she came over and they'd have some fun 😬 😬 😬

My stepfather was also dating within 6 weeks of my mother's funeral. It felt really off and disrespectful and I've never looked at him the same since.

Funnily enough I was wondering this morning if I should maybe go on a few dates but this has put me right off.

Oh dear OP

Hes definitely taking the piss and advantage of your kind nature

YANBU

I'm sorry but I have just pure laughed for 5 minutes solid at the phrase "fucking limpet"
😆 🤣 😂
That has massively cheered me up after a bastard of a week.
Then I read your username and that set me off into chuckles as well 😆 so thank you for that 😇

No, it’s not her fault.

Just told my hubby about this. He said some men want attention, and can be thick and mistake kindness for an invitation /flirting, as they want more attention. 🤦‍♀️
His advice?

1. Be straight and tell him you are not fucking interested.
2. Dont sugarcoat it, as these types of men do not understand subtlety or hints.
3. If that fails and he still thinks you're keen tell him you are a lesbian or to royally fuck off.

😆 🤣 😂

AI has also confirmed what my hubby said....
Men may mistake kindness for flirting , where they are more likely to interpret friendliness as a sign of romantic interest. This bias is likely influenced by factors such as low self-esteem, desperation, and a lack of exposure to non-transactional kindness, which can lead to miscommunication and frustration. It's important for individuals to be aware of this bias and to clearly communicate intentions to avoid misunderstandings.

YABU to invite a total stranger into your house then allow him to stay for 8 hrs.

Get a ring type doorbell which will enable you to monitor who is at the door. Then you dont have to answer if you dont want to. Or you can answer, tell them you are on the app and away from home. Ooooooh you are breaking up ........

My grandmother was a past mistress at getting rid of overstay visitors. She had a clock which did full Westminster chimes on the hour and half hour. When it chimed she would jump up in mock surprise and exclaim "Goodness, is that the time? I really must get on now. Thank you for your visit. I will see you out.!" And she would bring their coat or hold open the door. Even relatives were booted out after a maximum of two hours. No one ever argued with my grandmother.