And he showed up unannounced ... after I tried to help him.

[MungoforPresident]

This is the first thread I have created, so be gentle, ha.

Okay, I saw a post on Facebook from a neighbour I did not know at all, saying how lonely he was since the death of his wife six weeks ago. Lots of people were saying nice things but I know, having suffered many deaths, that what he probably needed was company and a mind diversion for a few hours.

I said he was welcome for a cuppa at mine, stressing it would be friends only, that I am not looking for a relationship at all (and I hoped that as he was only six weeks bereaved, finding someone else would not be on his mind).

He came over the next day, and spent a massive eight hours here, by which time I was way past my work start time but as I am self-employed and we were getting on great and with many interests in common, I didn't make an issue of it.

After he left, I very quickly received a message asking, 'Please please, can we do that again as soon as possible?' and by the next morning, a message saying, 'I am waiting like a kid at Christmas for your reply!'

He also told me he was going to be working next door to me on the Monday morning, obviously dropping this news into the chat so I could say, 'Why don't you pop in?' Of course, I did not say that or give any encouragement, from which he should have deduced I wasn't into the idea of meeting again so soon.

I also had the feeling he had somehow 'engineered' the work next door to me as he never mentioned that during the Saturday meet-up.

The first time I had seen him was on the Saturday, when he'd arrived at 1pm and left at half past nine in the evening. Bit long for a cup of tea!

I reponded to his messages without showing the same ardour (the ardent messaging was already giving me the heebie jeebies, giving vibes that he saw me as more than a friend) but I said we could meet up again when I was next free, but that he should be aware I worked a lot.

I stressed I'd let him know when I was off work, and that we could go out and do an activity. I again stressed 'It is nice to meet local friends.'

Incidentally, I really do work a lot, usually around 12-14 hours a day, each day, except Saturdays when normally, I go out with an archaeology group. After that, I always work through on the Saturday night/Sunday morn to catch up.

I also told him that I was about to work an all-nighter from Sunday eve to Monday morning, and that on Monday, I was going to be out on a job all night so needed to catch up on sleep between Sunday night and Monday daytime.

Anyway!

It came to half past nine this morning and there were a few knocks on the door. I had expected it to be a parcel delivery so I answered. AAAAGH! There he was, standing hopping foot to foot, waiting to be invited in!

I was bloody angry and said I had just worked nights and he'd woken me up, which was true, and I'd dragged myself from bed looking like Worzel Gummidge. I must have looked both horrific and horrified!

He was waving two coffees about, which he'd bought at a local garage. I don't even drink coffee and said so, then that I had to go as I needed sleep because I am tonight working all night on a difficult task just as I'd told him. And I closed the door on him.

I was both mortified and embarrassed that he'd put me in that position. What a $$$$ing idiot!

To top it off, I checked the members' names, and he has gone and joined the same club I am a member of, where we go out on Saturdays. So now, I have to expect him to show up there as well. He actually was a member of it two years ago before I joined, and he did not like it. The first thing he told me was how bad it was, trying to get me to opt out of it.

I am in two minds about whether I should message the organiser and ask them to boot him out as he only rejoined the minute after leaving here on the Saturday night!

That's the last time I feel sorry for a bereaved male neighbour which is a shame. I have several male friends who don't behave like this and have never shown up at the door. They wouldn't dream of it!

AIBU to have no tolerance for him showing up like that, and to not contact him again despite his messages still coming on Facebook?

I feel sad that he's lost his wife but it doesn't give him a ticket to stalkerish, creepy behaviour. It's even worse that we have a few good friends in common, and I wonder if he will try to blacken my name for not continuing with the contact.

Having seen how he tried to get me to opt out of the club I am a member of, I would not be surprised.

He has sent me several messages on Facebook. But I can only see the first line of one of them, and have set it to mute for now.

I am not keen to look in case he declares he can't live without me!

Thanks so much. This is really useful input!

Ugh he is being awful and I do think he might look back some day and cringe!

That said, when he said he was missing his wife, especially the cuddles and that he wants a new partner someday, but not yet...and then you said "come over for a cup of tea with me...just friends though".... do you not think he was putting out feelers saying "I want sex but not a relationship yet"? And then you inviting him over for tea to him was you saying, "come and have sex with me"!

He probably thought he'd smoothly sorted out a FWB situation.

Anyway, you are kind. He is being a tit. Don't take pity on strange men onlinr from the local area you've never spoken to before and invite them to your house. If you were my friend I'd be giving you a lecture about personal safety tbh

Oh I'd be exactly the same! I've deleted messages without ever opening them before as I don't want to give hope through seeing I've read them.

Ha. Who knows what this man was thinking! To be honest, in the eight hours he was here, he did not try it on once, and we never discussed relationships or anything personal like that so I do think he did not set out with that intention.

But after he had been here, maybe that intention popped up. Or something else did!

We mostly chatted about what we had found on our digs in archaeology, and he showed me his (ooh er), and I showed him mine.

We talked about antiques, houses, and cats as we both have three. Then we discussed our mutual friends, and the developer of my house who did a runner before finishing the development, and who has been kicked out of the county by angry people.

When he left on Saturday, I had only would-be friend vibes. Even though he scoffed all the cake.

Just a PS as I saw your extra bit ... I think I was safe enough as I work with the police for Job 2, and I worked as a close protection operative.

Exactly this! I picture him at his screen, watching, lurking ...

I’m intrigued by your job OP!!!

I agree with this.

That is soon

Thank you! I am a book editor and ghostwriter in the day, surveillance contractor by night nowadays.

I used to work in close protection until the income from book editing and ghostwriting became a better way to fund most of my outgoings.

I was wondered how men find someone immediately after death of obviously not so beloved wife, especially on here....on mn...so that is how - with pushing to the limits

Yeah, this was weird to me too.

Me too, I am like that to any neighbour, male or female until I got the feel

me too - I have tried so many groups and being open to various people - good deed never goes unpunished

It was a case of making clear that I was not looking for more as he had already said in the group that he missed cuddles as well as someone to talk about his day with, and so on. I was not going to be offering any of those but could do plentiful mugs of tea and chatting!

I am very used to having to make clear that I am open to friends but nothing more as I work almost solely with men (in the job where I do meet colleagues. My day job is one in which I meet no one at all).

He was already saying he would foresee a partner again eventually, and I did not plan to invite him for a cuppa without absolute clarity that only friendship would ever be on the menu.

This is surely an occasion, if ever there was one, when the immortal MN phrase, "Off you pop, Cuntychops!" could be usefully employed?

(Runs off to wash mouth out with soap)

It’s madness to invite a strange man into your home and then to let him stay for 8 hours.

you really need to have a bit more sense about you. You can be friendly and supportive without putting yourself in this vulnerable position.

he’s misunderstood your actions. That part is not your fault. But the reality is it’s bloody dangerous to have invited him in. As you’re finding out. That’s a bloody awful situation you’re in now. Keep your wits about you from now on and get some people from your group onboard so they can help you if needed.

I will try that if he reappears! Made me chuckle ... But he may find the word 'cunty' a turn-on! Especially when combined with 'chops.' He would imagine getting his mouth around one.

Ugh!

It wasn't in the slightest bit dangerous. Only as risk-bearing as allowing any contractor in!

I think the fact that you initially suggested the romantic angle was a mistake. Although you were mentioning it because you didn’t want him to have the idea, by doing that you’ve put the idea in his mind.
it’s kind of like a joke thing I’d say with friends- so if a male friend said shall we go for coffee? And I said yes but I don’t want you to get ideas because I don’t want a relationship- it’s kind of a joke because who would even be thinking that?

I strongly disagree. You’ve invited a strange man into your home. And allowed him to stay for 8 hours. Very risky. A tradesman would have a clear purpose for being in your home. This is completely different.

I've cut so many people out of my life for this sort of crap.

It's possible he had that feeling but he was a perfect gent during the eight hours. Nothing to make me uncomfortable or on guard at all, nothing to hint at him taking it that I was interested.

Not even any questions about if I was single, what do I do in my spare time and all that tedious dating stuff that I can't stand.

I think he is just a prat who after we had separated, didn't put his brain in gear.

I do not get any sense of potential harm or threat from him aside from the risk that he makes up a story to counter how badly he's behaved today, in case I tell our mutual friends. He's like an annoying wasp.

I was just interested to see if people thought I'd be unfair/unreasonable to just ignore him now and to give him the message he is no longer welcome.

He is a neighbour known to a lot of people here. There is no risk, only that he became a bit carried away afterwards! I work with men and train men. He wasn't any threat but is an over-zealous twit.

Also, we have a close friend in common. I do not think he would have any intention to alienate everyone by being stupid. It was one of those times, I think, where he just acted impulsively but he is about as threatening as an insect.