And he showed up unannounced ... after I tried to help him.

[MungoforPresident]

This is the first thread I have created, so be gentle, ha.

Okay, I saw a post on Facebook from a neighbour I did not know at all, saying how lonely he was since the death of his wife six weeks ago. Lots of people were saying nice things but I know, having suffered many deaths, that what he probably needed was company and a mind diversion for a few hours.

I said he was welcome for a cuppa at mine, stressing it would be friends only, that I am not looking for a relationship at all (and I hoped that as he was only six weeks bereaved, finding someone else would not be on his mind).

He came over the next day, and spent a massive eight hours here, by which time I was way past my work start time but as I am self-employed and we were getting on great and with many interests in common, I didn't make an issue of it.

After he left, I very quickly received a message asking, 'Please please, can we do that again as soon as possible?' and by the next morning, a message saying, 'I am waiting like a kid at Christmas for your reply!'

He also told me he was going to be working next door to me on the Monday morning, obviously dropping this news into the chat so I could say, 'Why don't you pop in?' Of course, I did not say that or give any encouragement, from which he should have deduced I wasn't into the idea of meeting again so soon.

I also had the feeling he had somehow 'engineered' the work next door to me as he never mentioned that during the Saturday meet-up.

The first time I had seen him was on the Saturday, when he'd arrived at 1pm and left at half past nine in the evening. Bit long for a cup of tea!

I reponded to his messages without showing the same ardour (the ardent messaging was already giving me the heebie jeebies, giving vibes that he saw me as more than a friend) but I said we could meet up again when I was next free, but that he should be aware I worked a lot.

I stressed I'd let him know when I was off work, and that we could go out and do an activity. I again stressed 'It is nice to meet local friends.'

Incidentally, I really do work a lot, usually around 12-14 hours a day, each day, except Saturdays when normally, I go out with an archaeology group. After that, I always work through on the Saturday night/Sunday morn to catch up.

I also told him that I was about to work an all-nighter from Sunday eve to Monday morning, and that on Monday, I was going to be out on a job all night so needed to catch up on sleep between Sunday night and Monday daytime.

Anyway!

It came to half past nine this morning and there were a few knocks on the door. I had expected it to be a parcel delivery so I answered. AAAAGH! There he was, standing hopping foot to foot, waiting to be invited in!

I was bloody angry and said I had just worked nights and he'd woken me up, which was true, and I'd dragged myself from bed looking like Worzel Gummidge. I must have looked both horrific and horrified!

He was waving two coffees about, which he'd bought at a local garage. I don't even drink coffee and said so, then that I had to go as I needed sleep because I am tonight working all night on a difficult task just as I'd told him. And I closed the door on him.

I was both mortified and embarrassed that he'd put me in that position. What a $$$$ing idiot!

To top it off, I checked the members' names, and he has gone and joined the same club I am a member of, where we go out on Saturdays. So now, I have to expect him to show up there as well. He actually was a member of it two years ago before I joined, and he did not like it. The first thing he told me was how bad it was, trying to get me to opt out of it.

I am in two minds about whether I should message the organiser and ask them to boot him out as he only rejoined the minute after leaving here on the Saturday night!

That's the last time I feel sorry for a bereaved male neighbour which is a shame. I have several male friends who don't behave like this and have never shown up at the door. They wouldn't dream of it!

AIBU to have no tolerance for him showing up like that, and to not contact him again despite his messages still coming on Facebook?

I feel sad that he's lost his wife but it doesn't give him a ticket to stalkerish, creepy behaviour. It's even worse that we have a few good friends in common, and I wonder if he will try to blacken my name for not continuing with the contact.

Having seen how he tried to get me to opt out of the club I am a member of, I would not be surprised.

Well I'm very allergic to mosquito bites, so that's pretty threatening in my book 😆😂

Hopefully not funnel web spider

Given your background, I'm astonished you would have sent a message like that to this so very recent widower?
I'm honestly not trying to victim blame, but really?
Such nievity!

That is actually true! I once slept on the floor in a historic house and ended up with massive swollen spider bites. Maybe he is dangerous after all!

I have mozzies in the house, they are a bloomin' nuisance. They come through the air vents. (Blocking up vents now in case he slides through!).

I rather suspect he is a bit scared of me now.

That is daft. Inviting a neighbour to a cup of tea is hardly naive. I do not know why it is that on Mumsnet, every thread starts off sensibly and gets derailed by people who see men as a threat.

There's nothing threatening here.

Really? You think so?
I'm glad you've apparently had a life where no man has ever threatened or manipulated you.

I don’t think it started sensibly though.

you’ve said in your updates that you were enjoying the time with him in your home and that time went by quickly because of how well you got on.

now after that he’s taken the chance of coming by with two coffees in the hope of another get together. And this part you’re appalled and angered by. I think he’s been confused. He clearly likes you and hoped you enjoyed his company too. Which you did.

this is why I say it’s dangerous to have invited him in. It’s too personal.

I don’t mean to victim blame here- I’m saying this because I’ve made lots of stupid mistakes like this before. I’m very kind too. But you need to learn to protect yourself.

Inviting a neighbour over for a cup of tea is not an 8 hour session
He trampled all over any boundaries you might have put up

Exactly. And a stranger too. And first of all talking about romantic angle.

🤔

Totally

Please don't do anything because you feel sorry for him..
Other than that, no. No respect for boundaries, he's too much and totally the sort that you give an inch, he'll take a mile. I expect to that he doesn't do hints either, so be strong and firm.

I know that there are some lovely widowers out there, but I tend to avoid them.

I was widowed nearly 5 years ago and the old creep across the road from me even hit on me before my husband died.

I just avoid him now.

He's trampled all over any normal social constructs for an invitation for a cup of tea by staying more than an hour or so, and you let him, turned up unannounced when he has been told you would be sleeping, amped up the interest level in you to an uncomfortable degree - is clearly an obsessed needy clinger wanting more and thinking he will get it, whether that's sex, marriage, or a suffocatingly needy pseudofriendship, regardless of your stated lack of interest in such things. I call that dangerous. Men who behave like this often do become more than just nuisances. And I do think you have been absurdly naive.

Same.

These days kindness gets you nowhere because people are so unused to it that they don't really know how to handle it.

Agreed. You stated very clearly your intentions so it's completely on him.

God, how disrespectful he is to her memory and how awful of him to be latching on to any woman who shows a bit of friendly concern.

I guess grief does funny thing to people and I shouldn't judge that perhaps.

He wants more than 'friends' . Shut it down now completely. My new neighbour moved in in the summer, and while walking through the park with my earbuds in and sunglasses, he started questioning me 'Was I a teacher? How long had I lived here? Did I go out much? I did not answer his questions. I said 'Please leave me alone' That did it; he hasn't so much as looked my way since (too scared). Stop being nice, op. Shut that shit down. He'll get the message. If he doesn't tell him to fuck off, time to stop being so lovely with these intrusive, entitled men.

Oh op, what a ‘mare! The amount of stalkers/strange people I got lumbered with in my 20’s & 30’s because I felt sorry for them and didn’t want to upset them.

I think you need a zero tolerance outlook
now, it works for me! Like someone upthread said, no good deed goes unpunished!

He does sound odd so I would block & ignore.

Mind you, my late husband's ex goes looking for another man any time a partner dies or looks to be on the verge of shuffling off this mortal coil.

Her affair partner died and she had a widower well within a year. As soon as he died, she was hunting for former male colleagues on FB.

She got a message from the son of one of them explaining that, unfortunately, his father had dementia.

She eventually bagged her late sibling's neighbour - again, well before a year was up. Good for her, I guess.

When we first heard of the new chap, DH scoffed...I told him 'He's just a friend...She says he's cutting the grass for her.'

'Aye...cutting the grass... I know her.'

Dh was right.

When the newest bloke landed in hospital, she then set her sights on a previous partner's relative - whose wife had just gone into a care home.

Some people just refuse to be on their own.

It is very weird. I can't get over how he stayed eight hours when he first came round! I'd have said I have to say goodbye to you now, I need to do such and such. A couple of hours would have been enough.

He's making a nuisance of himself. Don't let him back in, please.

If he is a genuine guy, he'll realise he has overstepped the mark and back off, maybe even apologise, but he does sound strange at the moment.

You must put boundaries in place, Mungo. You made a kind gesture but have to protect yourself.

Good luck.

I know that at that stage of bereavement, I was desperate to hear from people. (It was Covid, so all communication was via phone.) Don't recall having an urge to find another man, however!

My dad got engaged to a neighbour 3 months after mum died. What made matters worse is she had the same name as my mum! My dad was not someone who could stand to be alone, but god, it was awful, but not as awful as when he phoned me up, stressed, to tell me he couldn't get it up and where could he get viagra. I am so not joking.. I tactfully said that perhaps it's because mum just died and his 'grieving' was stopping him. Never did like my dad much! 😁

When I had problems with the old goat across the road, I let two other widows on the street know. They'd had similar, it turned out.

He wants more than 'friends' . Shut it down now completely. My new neighbour moved in in the summer, and while walking through the park with my earbuds in and sunglasses, he started questioning me 'Was I a teacher? How long had I lived here? Did I go out much? I did not answer his questions. I said 'Please leave me alone' That did it; he hasn't so much as looked my way since (too scared). Stop being nice, op. Shut that shit down. He'll get the message. If he doesn't tell him to fuck off, time to stop being so lovely with these intrusive, entitled men.

Oh dear. Sorry you've had to go through this OP. This is exactly why I give zero encouragement to any man who shows the slightest interest in me now. I have come to realise that if I give them an inch,they take a mile.