And he showed up unannounced ... after I tried to help him.

[MungoforPresident]

This is the first thread I have created, so be gentle, ha.

Okay, I saw a post on Facebook from a neighbour I did not know at all, saying how lonely he was since the death of his wife six weeks ago. Lots of people were saying nice things but I know, having suffered many deaths, that what he probably needed was company and a mind diversion for a few hours.

I said he was welcome for a cuppa at mine, stressing it would be friends only, that I am not looking for a relationship at all (and I hoped that as he was only six weeks bereaved, finding someone else would not be on his mind).

He came over the next day, and spent a massive eight hours here, by which time I was way past my work start time but as I am self-employed and we were getting on great and with many interests in common, I didn't make an issue of it.

After he left, I very quickly received a message asking, 'Please please, can we do that again as soon as possible?' and by the next morning, a message saying, 'I am waiting like a kid at Christmas for your reply!'

He also told me he was going to be working next door to me on the Monday morning, obviously dropping this news into the chat so I could say, 'Why don't you pop in?' Of course, I did not say that or give any encouragement, from which he should have deduced I wasn't into the idea of meeting again so soon.

I also had the feeling he had somehow 'engineered' the work next door to me as he never mentioned that during the Saturday meet-up.

The first time I had seen him was on the Saturday, when he'd arrived at 1pm and left at half past nine in the evening. Bit long for a cup of tea!

I reponded to his messages without showing the same ardour (the ardent messaging was already giving me the heebie jeebies, giving vibes that he saw me as more than a friend) but I said we could meet up again when I was next free, but that he should be aware I worked a lot.

I stressed I'd let him know when I was off work, and that we could go out and do an activity. I again stressed 'It is nice to meet local friends.'

Incidentally, I really do work a lot, usually around 12-14 hours a day, each day, except Saturdays when normally, I go out with an archaeology group. After that, I always work through on the Saturday night/Sunday morn to catch up.

I also told him that I was about to work an all-nighter from Sunday eve to Monday morning, and that on Monday, I was going to be out on a job all night so needed to catch up on sleep between Sunday night and Monday daytime.

Anyway!

It came to half past nine this morning and there were a few knocks on the door. I had expected it to be a parcel delivery so I answered. AAAAGH! There he was, standing hopping foot to foot, waiting to be invited in!

I was bloody angry and said I had just worked nights and he'd woken me up, which was true, and I'd dragged myself from bed looking like Worzel Gummidge. I must have looked both horrific and horrified!

He was waving two coffees about, which he'd bought at a local garage. I don't even drink coffee and said so, then that I had to go as I needed sleep because I am tonight working all night on a difficult task just as I'd told him. And I closed the door on him.

I was both mortified and embarrassed that he'd put me in that position. What a $$$$ing idiot!

To top it off, I checked the members' names, and he has gone and joined the same club I am a member of, where we go out on Saturdays. So now, I have to expect him to show up there as well. He actually was a member of it two years ago before I joined, and he did not like it. The first thing he told me was how bad it was, trying to get me to opt out of it.

I am in two minds about whether I should message the organiser and ask them to boot him out as he only rejoined the minute after leaving here on the Saturday night!

That's the last time I feel sorry for a bereaved male neighbour which is a shame. I have several male friends who don't behave like this and have never shown up at the door. They wouldn't dream of it!

AIBU to have no tolerance for him showing up like that, and to not contact him again despite his messages still coming on Facebook?

I feel sad that he's lost his wife but it doesn't give him a ticket to stalkerish, creepy behaviour. It's even worse that we have a few good friends in common, and I wonder if he will try to blacken my name for not continuing with the contact.

Having seen how he tried to get me to opt out of the club I am a member of, I would not be surprised.

Urgh. 😖 What a revolting specimen. Sadly, this behaviour is quite common in many men. They just don't like it/can't handle it, that many women are absolutely FINE without a man! And yes, many of them won't take no for an answer, and the attention and 'flattery' from them, turns into something dark and sinister if you have the audacity to turn them down.

Like the bloke/neighbour (in his mid 60s) that I spoke about in my post further back in the thread. I just lent him a stepladder for 10 minutes and he wouldn't leave me alone. Started love-bombing me, and showering me with gifts and compliments, despite my protestations, and insistence he stops coming around, and leaves me alone.

When he came around for the 7th or 8th time (in the same day!) pestering me in the garden, I saw him coming and pulled my husband outside quickly, pretending I had spotted something he would be interested in - (I think I said a big bird of prey) - and this bloke seeing my husband was the only thing that got rid of him. I shuddered to think how things would have panned out had I not had a husband (and was single/living alone.) The bloke gave me the collywobbles. (I didn't tell DH, as he would have gone off on one at him and I didn't want a scene.)

I had quite a lot of this when I was much younger (like most women,) men pursuing me, and not fucking off when I told them I wasn't interested, but it hadn't happened since I was about 39-40. (I am in my late 50s now.) And I didn't like it, at ALL. It reminded me what utter creeps some men are, and how some of them will NOT take no for an answer. They act like we owe them our attention, and time, and affection. Grim. 💀

.

I feel sorry for any men (or women) who write it innocently not knowing the code!

Thank you, I am sorry you also had that experience.

What I still dont get is- how on earth can lending a step ladder or taking someone's post in be interpreted as "she totes wants to have sex with me!". Like, HOW? how do they even arrive at that conclusion? It's madness to me, an absolute mental delusion.

I presume these men think every woman serving them at a coffee shop also fancies them because she says please and thank you or that the woman on the checkout at Tescos wants to bang them because she put some of their stuff in a carrier bag for them.

What kind of monumental arrogance does it take to assume such things- it blows my mind.

I made the mistake of chatting politely to an acquaintance many years ago. Coming back from the loo my friend nabbed me. While I was away, he'd been telling the group how he 'was getting somewhere' with me despite being told by everyone that I didn't fancy him.

I asked her what made him think that. She said, because you're talking to him......

I was still very young and my mind was blown that a pointless chat about nothing had been interpreted like that. So I said, I can't even talk to a bloke without him thinking I fancy him? She said that was pretty much it, yes.

30 years later it still blows my mind.

Yes completely concur with you 💚😢

I'm sorry I'd responded to the wrong comments - Meant to comment that I completely concur with whomever mentioned the red flags being how this male stressed he misses cuddles so much, so immensely soon, following his wife's passing - How unfeeling & disrespectful towards his poor deceased wife & her memory 😢
Reminds me of some of the awful husbands, on some Lifetime Movies, where some husbands even go so far's to get life insurance on their poor wives, to wickedly benefit themselves 😥🙏

See, here's my theory or perhaps just a brain fart I don't know.

Men want to be women, essentially they want the attention that they give to women from women... they don't have that experience of harassment and fear that women grow up with so they have little to no understanding of why we refuse partners or sex.... they don't comprehend the danger of that.
Instead they think we are deliberately withholding sex ( because that's what men would do ) to control men.

They don't even consider that women have a different pov because to them we are not people. They deliberately appropriate their own interpretation to the way women behave as if we are tiny men with holes instead of a meat stick because everything is a competition to them.

They talk to us on DMs or dating sites in overtly sexual ways because that is what they want from women.

The BFF had one that was clapping between strokes (gym bro).
Poor simple creatures.

Sorry you've been through this. I had a similar experience @MungoforPresident. During the pandemic, I offered to do the shopping for the elderly couple next door. The husband (in his 80s) emailed their shopping lists to me, then we started exchanging news. All very friendly. However, he started dropping in inuendos - and then his wife died and the emails became more personal and explicit. He even sent me a Valentine's Day card. It was horrible. He didn't stop until I told him my DH was reading all the emails.

DH and I put so much effort into making sure he and his wife were looked after during the pandemic. We did their shopping, picked up prescriptions, dropped round homemade food... And in return, I received horrible messages from a dirty old man. It still makes me feel sick to think about it.

It has put me off helping people I don't know. That phrase 'No good turn goes unpunished' is so true.

@TheRemainsOfTheDayCream That is utterly horrific, but sadly extremely believable. When my friends (who I used to 'play' with) and I were around 12-13 years old, there were 3 or 4 men in our 34 house street we lived in, who used to shout stuff at us.

When we were on our bicycle, one of them would say 'oooh, I can see your little titties bouncing up and down,' and when we walked past the garden 'oooh, yer a healthy looking lass, won't be long til you get a boyfriend, and let me know if you can't find one. Bet you're a nice kisser!' And one man said to my (11 year old) friend 'have you started your periods yet? Let me know if you want them stopping for 9 months.'

This was the late 1970s/early 1980s, and these 'men' were between 55 and 70. All married. We never told our parents though, as we just thought this is how they speak. We didn't know it was so wrong....... We did know however, that all these men made our skin crawl. Also though, we didn't know if we'd be believed, and that we may be thought of as trouble makers and liars and fantasists, and we were worried that people would very likely believe the 'adult' over the child. (I'm not articulating this very well sorry. I hope you all get me.)

Also, there is a man in my niece's road where she lives with her friend (they rent a 2 bed house together, and have done for about a year..) He keeps making comments about how he likes to see 2 girls together, and it's his fantasy, and do they snuggle together in bed at night, ha ha ha, snigger snigger. 😂

This man is about 82. Also married.

Their poor wives honestly. I reckon they know (on some level) that their husbands are like this, they just ignore it, as they're too afraid to leave, or maybe unable to.

Who the F would be a woman eh?

So true! 9 months after my exh and I separated, he was already actively house hunting with his new victim, and they were married I think 7 months after that (or maybe it was 1 year and 7 months at most. Being alone simply not an option for him.

Send him a message along the lines of “I enjoyed spending time with you, but I feel that you have misread the situation and are now coming on too strong. I’m happy to have an occasional cup of tea to support you through this difficult time, but showing up at my house and group etc is too much and is making me uncomfortable.”

Men often try to jump into a relationship after loss to avoid their grief, but you need to draw a firm line

Don't do any of this or ever let him in your house again.

Noooooo! Do NOT do this - telling him you’re happy to have an occasional cup of tea will be a green light for him to come around every flipping day requesting it. You can’t give men like this even a tiny bit of encouragement, he has already proven he’s becoming a pest.

Well clearly it's not, going by the example we're discussing in this thread.

This is not a man deeply in love with OP and heartbroken. He has spent one day with her. He wants "cuddles" (a shag). I will give you that he is desperate.

Yeah this was Ted Bundy's tactic.

Stop helping men. They just take advantage.

Yes, that's what I'm saying. Men love far too easily. He has gotten this idea into his head that OP is his next partner, just because she was nice to him one day.

But it's not what you're saying!

He clearly would have anyone who would have him. That's not love, it's boredom. And it's certainly not a sign that men are "more emotional" than women. Most women who were 6 weeks out from a bereavement wouldn't be hanging out on the doorstep of a male neighbour with 2 coffees when they knew that person worked nights - they would be at home coping with their grief either alone or with friends/family.

"Men love far too easily"

It's not love, it's dependency. It's not at all personal to the woman being targeted, it's just wanting a woman-shaped thing to look after them and have sex with. That's not love.

It's not love in the mind of the woman who is the centre of the man's affection, but it is love in the mind of the man. Men feel loving feelings for women very easily. That's why men are so keen on relationships and marriage.

The example we are discussing in this thread is some horny old guy in search of "cuddles" who thinks OP is the answer to all his problems. It's not fucking love, ffs.

Men are so keen on relationships and marriage as they want a steady root and a live-in maid and/or nursemaid.

Don't feed the MRA.

Yep 👍
I've seen this poster do this before