To think most mums end up a 'burden'....

[LittleWhiteFlowers]

to their adult children?
Not necessarily needing a lot of care etc just in day to day life.
I see it on here all of the time, mentioning 'duty' visits and phone calls, talking about eye rolling when mum perhaps strays to a well worn but favourite topic of conversation. Preferring Christmas with 'their own little family' but inviting mum out of guilt etc.
How do I avoid this with my own children? I would rather they saw/spoke to me less than felt the need to talk to me out of duty or pity!!
I have no real frame of reference as I was nc with my own mother until she died fairly recently and she was standoffish in life and really couldn't care less if she saw us or not.

People are more likely to share posts about difficult relationships than easy ones. The people who have positive relationships with their mothers won’t be posting asking for advice on how to deal with them etc.

I suppose all you can do is foster a good relationship with them, and be supportive and don’t judge them.

The ‘well worn topics of conversation’ - I think the risk there is that people’s worlds can get very, very small post-retirement. So - remind yourself to be open-minded, learn new things, and express interests outside of your daily routine and memories of the past.

I think those who have a difficult relationship with their mother often feel this way (myself included)

if I had a fantastic, loving, mutually respectful relationship then I would never see her as a burden and would want to include her at every opportunity.

Sadly that isn’t the case

This is not the case for each elderly mother and her adult children

I had this. My DS and DIL live with me, whilst they save for a deposit. They started acting like I was living with them, making little comments about my "dependence" on them (I'm disabled but I still work full-time and I have a life of my own). Finally I sat them down with some hard truths. Showed them the bills and pointed out the extent to which I am massively subsidising them. Explained what my life would be like without them there (pretty busy, actually) and told them that whilst I sympathise with the difficulties young people face getting on the housing ladder, and they are very welcome, it is my house, I paid for it and I would really rather they had a place of their own. There's a lot less "burden" and "duty" talk now.

Try not to make them feel guilty for being themselves, and thinking differently to you.

They are not your possessions once they are adults they have their own lives

I am dd to a mother who really struggled to let me go and live my life mainly because she was very unhappy in her own life for a variety of understandable reasons. Nevertheless, I felt obligated and it has taken a long time to create some boundaries and out myself first. Some examples, I didn't go travelling when I finished Uni and didn't move away due to her poor mental health. As a parent now I do see how suddenly teenagers grow up and how bereft I will feel when mine leave. I am preparing by making sure I have a life for me. Building my own social circle, hobbies and career. As I get older I entend to have a full life. I survive life before them and I will need to survive without them being such a big part of it too.

I think you just need to foster a relationship of mutual respect. I love hearing from/seeing my Mam, I'd be lost without her and could never see her as a burden. I imagine there are lots of people like me but of course we have no need to make posts asking for advice etc

I adore my mum. We speak most days and I spend every Saturday with her (I’ve done this since DF passed away 4 years ago). I will drop everything if she needs me.
I owe her for the amazing upbringing I had and for the support she continues to give.

You evolve from mother to friend as they become adults. That’s how you stay relevant. As you age you don’t over share minutiae and steer every conversation to yourself. It’s not that hard but it does rely on good health I think. Once older people become poorly they always get rather self centred and it’s usually at this point they become a burden sadly.

I think you get a skewed view from looking on here as those of us with parents who weren’t perfect but loved us and were broadly speaking pretty much exactly what we needed in a parent are not posting about our parents.

From my experience with mine and my partner’s, how to avoid it is to be loving and communicative, accepting, and present. My mum drives me mad sometimes and I’m sure she would say the same about me, but I never begrudge seeing her and I invite her to do stuff with us because I want to include her because she’s my mum and the kids’ grandma and we all love each other. Since my lovely Dad passed away, at my request she messages me every morning when she gets up so we can have a little check in as I don’t want her to feel lonely. It’s not even a 10th of what she would do for any of us if we let her.

This post’s sickly sweet tone is why you rarely get this sort of post. It’s cringey to send it and I wouldn’t normally say these things in a public forum but I just want you to see that lots of parents are highly loved, valued and cherished.

Personally, absolutely not! I would do anything for her because is the most wonderful, caring and amazing Mum. She would never expect anything and doesn't like to ask for help.

Everyone has different relationships so many factors to consider how willing you are.

I have two toddlers who I worship. My biggest concern is they will feel about me the way I feel about my mother . Sometimes when I hold them tight in bed at night I try and memorize it . This magic . Knowing soon they will grow up and possibly one day they’ll feel dislike to me! I think this is because I had such a difficult relationship with my mother that I worry.
I pray I can be a great parent and they will like me but I’m not sure I will definitely succeed !
My own mother is quite spiteful and I know I will never be spiteful to my children. I hope to live a full life so as not to become boring , spiteful and reply on / expect to be entertained by my children !!!!

Sad you had to point this out to them but glad you did! Xx

Ermmm... so mothers are a burden but fathers are what?

just life's perpetual givers...?

🤔

I think you raise your child with family values and to understand relationshops are reciprocal.

I do think this over-sharing of minutiae and bringing every conversation back to themselves is one of the big parent-child relationship strains in adulthood.

It’s very odd that it is so common really.

My mother has started doing it, you could be recounting having broken your leg bungee jumping off Victoria falls - and she’d say ‘we have a very good local hospital. It’s a shame you didn’t break your leg there. My neighbour just had his hip done there” or whatever and it just… arghhh.

I’m gearing up to drawing attention to it in the hope she becomes more self-aware, so I do not end up being frustrated with her!

The dads don’t bother getting in touch, and the kids don’t feel guilty about not reaching out to them either (probably!)

Ah well @LittleWhiteFlowers perhaps I'll.do my dc a favour and die young.

I’m annoyed ok your behalf! If they both work full time, they are saving at least £3k per month. I would have turfed them out, but good on you for being mature and talking it through!

A pp mentioned hearing mainly from those who didn’t have the best upbringing etc and I agree with that, in that these threads appear the most (as peoples are asking for advice understandably)

Having said that, those who have difficult childhoods and not very good relationships with their mothers will often be NC or low contact. I certainly don’t think it’s that demographic who will feel their mothers are a burden because the relationship won’t be that close.

The ones who are more likely to fee burdened are the ones who had nice childhoods and feel they ‘owe it’ to their mothers in whatever form the burden is felt. For example I’m NC with one of my parents and feel no burden whatsoever because they were a shit parent. Had they been a good parent I’d likely feel differently

I don't think all do, but I agree with other posters pointing out that there are a lot of us who are terrified of being the kind of mother that we had.

My DC have gone off to uni now and I'm finding this stage quite hard to navigate - I'm concurrently scared of being overbearing or appearing disinterested. My own DM is very opinionated and quite manipulative/critical of me and I do not want that for my DC, but I am at risk of overcompensating as a result.

I definitely don’t feel like this about my mother! And I’m 99% sure she never felt this way about her mother, nor do my cousins feel that way about my aunts. So I guess your question would be why not? Never thought about it before, but now you’ve asked the question, mulling it over:

My mother is always pleased to hear from me and to see me, but there is no expectation that makes me feel guilty if it is a while between calls. So anytime I ring, she’ll say “lovely to hear from you” but there is absolutely no sub-text of “and about time too” or “why has it been so long since you rang”.

She is interested in and loves me and my kids, and always asks about me/them and genuinely cares about the answer, but she is also living her own life with friends and hobbies, so there is no sense that she is only living through us.

She will give suggestions or advice if asked, and occasionally suggest things, but doesn’t get offended if I don’t follow them.

Finally, she has an excellent sense of humour and is a fun and kind person, who I really enjoy talking to and spending time with. I like to think I’d want to spend time with her even if she wasn’t my mother but was an elderly neighbour or retired former work colleague.

Hope that helps!

Or perhaps I was writing from my own perspective as a mother.
I can't really put myself in a fathers shoes and worry about his hypothetical future with his children.

I love all my children but even I have to concede that my eldest is a little bit pompous!

I think in the generation of parents where the mothers were mainly SAHMs and the dads worked, often (not alway but often) the women have very small worlds when their children grow up but the dads have more in common with their children once they become adults.

It's really sad but I have a few friends whose dads are interesting and good company whereas the mums just want to talk about "oh you remember Janine from school, her mum's in hospital with shingles"