To think most mums end up a 'burden'....

[LittleWhiteFlowers]

to their adult children?
Not necessarily needing a lot of care etc just in day to day life.
I see it on here all of the time, mentioning 'duty' visits and phone calls, talking about eye rolling when mum perhaps strays to a well worn but favourite topic of conversation. Preferring Christmas with 'their own little family' but inviting mum out of guilt etc.
How do I avoid this with my own children? I would rather they saw/spoke to me less than felt the need to talk to me out of duty or pity!!
I have no real frame of reference as I was nc with my own mother until she died fairly recently and she was standoffish in life and really couldn't care less if she saw us or not.

My step mums no burden. She financially independent has a boyfriend and enough help. I see her when I can as I live abroad. Kids and grandkids all enjoy her. She has 4 of us step kids who are closer than her son.

The trick is to be truly financially independent I think. And set up all the necessary permissions in good time. Grandkids are set to inherit all being well - 9 of them.

Of course they do on average, women live longer than men.

I adored my wonderful mother. Yes, she needed more support before she died, but I never regarded this as a burden. I miss her so much.

Totally agree! Her role is to facilitate for everyone else and when she can’t do that effectively anymore, it’s only then that she becomes a burden,

My DP are in their 80s. Neither is a burden and I hope I don’t become a burden to my DC. I have a very full life, and so did my DP. However, it is very noticeable, now their friends are gradually leaving their lives, that they depend on each other a huge amount and I am not looking forward to one of them being left on their own.

You need to have your own life, friends, hobbies, career etc and be a full and active person - for yourself, not for your dc. With a rich life of interests you are able to contribute and retain identity, it’s also healthy and good for you. Spending time with your dc, being interested in their lives and passions and stepping up when needed is how you continue to remain in a good relationship.

I agree that these days there is often a problem with terminology and reciprocal has become "transactional."

I have always had a lovely relationship with my mum, Left home at 17 and never lived at home again as did all my siblings (them were the days!). My mother never interfered in our lives and was always interested in every thing we did and friends etc.. I hear so many friends talk about difficult relationships with mothers, I guess many fathers are dead (?), in particular.

I agree that one of the biggest factors is for parents of adult children to have busy active lives themselves and that certainly helps when parents are together and happy. Seperated parents can sometimes turn an adult child against the other parent and also means there are two parents in two houses to provide care for. I have seen this so many times.
My strongest memory of my mum when I was a child was that she was happy and really socially engaged so this is how I try to at least come across to my kids(!).
My mum has advanced alzheimers now and myself and siblings (and carers) care for her at home which is so tough but the love from the past 58 years certainly helps

My Mum wasn’t that bad but I can relate to this! It was almost like everything revolved around her. Didn’t matter that I’d been working 50 hour weeks on the trot, there’d be a comment about the scruffy garden or the dirty windows. It makes for a stressful life and it would put me off inviting her.

I think my advice would be to build your own life that they are a part of. Mix with a range of people of varying ages not just your old cronies. Don’t judge. Don’t offer advice unless asked. Lend a listening ear when needed. Make suggestions to meet or go out. Don’t just expect to be asked then grumble like a child when you’re not invited. Always try to solve problems yourself first and ask for help if you’re struggling. Plan in advance how you want your old age to pan out and be realistic in what help your children can give you if anything. Be direct in your communication and don’t engage in passive aggressive hinting nonsense. Dealing with a mother who acts like a helpless child can wear thin pretty quickly.

One of the things I find very hard about my MIL (a very social, active neatly 80 yo) who lives with us is that everything is for show and showy. If we run out of butter and she gets some from the Co-op it translates into loud conversations with her friends about how
she does all the shopping and is a glorified housekeeper. She makes no adjustments for our autistic boys because her son (also autistic) did exactly as she wanted all the time as a child (he’s on his third breakdown and has spent his entire adult life in therapy). She interrupts constantly and doesn’t listen but tells other people off for doing the same. And get conversation topics revolve only around her and gossip about people she knows, mostly intimate health details.

So have an interest, adjust to the needs of a changing family, don’t discuss the continence issues of strangers at the dinner table

Why does she live with you if things are so difficult??

If your dh is in therapy after his third breakdown as a result of his childhood and her parenting it is extremely unhelpful that she is living there, and probably significantly adding to his poor mental health.

I was worried about this - my own relationship with my stepmother (my mother died when I was a baby, she raised me) is one of guilt and duty. I didn’t want my kids to think of me like I think of her.

but they are now young adults. Ds lives with me still and we get on perfectly well day to day, and whilst he’s practically independent and pulls his weight as a housemate, he still comes to me for emotional support.

DD lives a hour away and calls me every couple of days because she just wants to chat. And we meet up for lunch and drinks and shows. I love the relationship we have, and know she doesn’t feel I’m a burden

Most young people I know - including most of my wider family - are completely self absorbed. Talk about themselves endlessly, and never ask a single question in return.

Gosh, you need to put in some boundaries to stop her doing this.

“Yes, four days Mum as we’re away from Tuesday.”

Don’t feel guilty if four days is your limit. She’s terribly rude for assuming it’s just okay to do whatever she wants.

I adore my mum and don't see her as a burden. She will have all of the support she needs from me in her time of need. That women would give her life for me.

OMG how cheeky were your DS and DIL! Did they apologise to you after your conversation? You must be saving them a fortune and not only were they ungrateful, they actually criticised your behaviour in your own house.

My Mum will never be a burden, she's done an awful lot for me and I appreciate her. She's still in her sixties and very lively so we go out together at least once a week. I don't much care for her partner but she adores him but he'll probably get shown the door like the previous two. I hope my DD never thinks I will be a burden I would hate that.
My Father died when I was 20 so no question of him being a burden.

I’m sorry that life is tough. I do agree that it will come to all of us, however, it sounds like you are doing you’re best to engage with life to the best of your ability.

I don’t honestly think you are the type of parent we are talking about. If you know you know!

Do you have to have her to stay 2/3 nights a week? She sounds utterly unbearable. Do you have siblings to share the burden with?

Yeah, I think you're spot on and I've caught myself being this way with my own mother, unfortunately.

I had a rubbish childhood both parents pretty useless. I'm very low contact now. I always had to be the parent. My mother has always defaulted to me to do emails/banking/organise house repairs etc anything remotely technology based. Even in her 40s 50s. She provided lots of childcare for one sibling then none to us. She is always the victim. Unfortunately the relationship is all one sided. It's not one I want to pursue.

The biggest gift I gave myself and my children is doing all the therapy I needed so I am free to be a positive independent person. Not seeking validation or wanting to tear anyone down. Not wanting to control anyone. I know what healthy boundaries look like. I can have the uncomfortable conversations. Take critisms reflect on them. I'm self aware. I have healthy expectations of my children and our relationships as we both grow. I also have healthy passions and interests that I'm very excited to pursue when mine are older! There is nothing me or my husband can't do that the other can so that won't hold us back. We also plan to keep ourselves as fit and able bodied as possible. Fingers crossed for health for as long as possible.

I think knowing what healthy relationships look like is a great place to start. I had to learn as I was never shown them. I was however shown all the what not to dos that's been helpful too.

I had quite an open and honest conversation with my DM as she’d started to dwell a lot on painful past memories, and they were all she wanted to talk about. I found it very depressing and draining and it made me want to spend less time with her.

I pointed out she’d hated it when her mother did this, and also it was just going to depress her to only focus on sad memories. She took it on board and now makes a real effort not to (and to actually ask how I am, which she’d stopped doing!) If she drifts it, I give her a gentle nudge like “let’s talk about something more cheerful”, and she’ll move on.

It’s made our time together much more pleasant, and I actually look forward to talking to her now.

I think the time that an elderly parent (mum or dad, but we know that women tend to live longer, so it's more likely to be mum) really becomes a difficult burden to carry is when they become entirely dependent (emotionally, practically, socially) on their child. From my own experience and discussions with friends who have been there too, there will often be other family members who drop in very occasionally and are full of ideas of things that 'someone' should do for the elderly person but have lots of reasons why it can't be them. No matter how much you care about your parent, it is stressful and exhausting to be the person who is expected to be available 24/7 for a chat or to deal with crises (real or imagined), organises all their finances, arranges and takes them to every medical appointment, does all their shopping/washing/cleaning- whilst also trying to work and look after your own family. It is easy to feel resentment when the person you are looking after refuses to make any changes that would make things easier, won't consider trying hobbies/passtimes at home or going to social groups, gets angry at the suggestion of finding outside help and complains constantly (to you and to anyone else who will listen) that you don't visit often enough/haven't done [insert non-urgent time consuming task] yet. It's very easy when your parents are fit and well to assume that this could never happen to you but I know too many people in this situation and I think it often destroys the previous relationship. It can feel like your own life is on hold and there is nothing you can do about it short of walking away and letting them fend for themselves (which clearly you won't do).
The things I plan to do, to hopefully avoid being in this situation with my own children are

• don't become entirely dependent on my partner. Keep up a social life of my own, including trying new hobbies/social clubs etc if the I find I can't manage the things I did when I was younger. Try to include people of various ages in my social circle so I don't end up knowing no-one if I outlive my friends from childhood.
• Make sure that I live somewhere that makes it easy to maintain independence and see other people even if I couldn't drive (or have plans for how to do that when the time comes).
• Actively work on not falling behind with the 'modern way' of doing things, whatever that is when I am older, so that I don't become dependent on other people to do simple tasks just because they are not done the same way that I did them in my 40s.
• Ask for help from family if I need it, but be open to changing how/when I do things to fit around their lives. Accept external help where I can so that more of the time I have with my family can be spent doing nice things.
• If/when I find myself alone, I plan to accept all invitations to socialise whether that is from family, existing friends, new acquaintances, local community events etc. Even if I'm not particularly interested in the activity on offer, or feel a bit tired, I have learned from my elderly relatives that being socially active has a huge impact on maintaining health and independence as well as providing something interesting to think about instead of worrying about tiny issues. I will prioritise socialising over everything else, so for example will never refuse to go out for lunch because I have too much washing to do.

I think there's definitely something about older women in particular having framed their identity around their children.. but I don't think the dynamic is always quite as you describe. I think often it leads to those older women just being ridiculously over involved in their children's lives and then being pushed away because of that behaviour

My mother gets upset if I make any purchase that I haven't involved her in. Any purchase at all. Like a pair of gloves last week she got upset about. I know so many people who have mothers like this. No one who has a dad who sweats the small stuff in the same way

I felt the burden of expectations in my teen years. But as an adult we got on well and visiting was never an obligation or burden.
She died at 63 before more care became necessary though and I might have felt differently if there had been expectations of help there.