To think most mums end up a 'burden'....

[LittleWhiteFlowers]

to their adult children?
Not necessarily needing a lot of care etc just in day to day life.
I see it on here all of the time, mentioning 'duty' visits and phone calls, talking about eye rolling when mum perhaps strays to a well worn but favourite topic of conversation. Preferring Christmas with 'their own little family' but inviting mum out of guilt etc.
How do I avoid this with my own children? I would rather they saw/spoke to me less than felt the need to talk to me out of duty or pity!!
I have no real frame of reference as I was nc with my own mother until she died fairly recently and she was standoffish in life and really couldn't care less if she saw us or not.

Yes, possibly but we all get old if we don't pop our clogs first. People should be careful how they treat their parents as their own children are learning how it's done.

There is a difference between a mother who is striving to engage with life in the face of the challenges of aging, and a mother whose body has reached the point of decrepitude where that engagement becomes impossible. Being a burden to someone, whether paid or family, becomes inevitable eventually for many.
I think it is important that there is recognition of when that point is reached and the mother should not be judged to have stopped trying when they might simply have reached the end of normal life as they might know and wish it to be.
Aging is characterised by an inexorable catalogue of losses.
It's a total pain in the arse, take it from me!

This is so true and excellent advice on handling a difficult relationship with ones parent(s) from childhood.
I have a cousin who had a terrible childhood due to parents alcoholism and many other issues/abuses and I can tell she has been through a lot of (good) therapy and is at a place where she sees her mum (no longer drinking) couple of times a year but very much on her terms and has gone on to have a fabulous relationship with her own spouse and kids.
Therapy is key to recover from a childhood damaged by abuse or neglect.

Well, my mother is a raging narcissist, another country, upbringing of the eighties and nineties.
I was an only kid, both of them were really absent.
Of course she's a burden now, at 83, sitting in her massive family apartment in one of the most lucrative cities in Europe.
She was no mother to me and I only keep it civil for the inheritance.
Here's your eye roll. 🙄

How to avoid it? Be a better, more involved parent.
Don't try to change your childrens' personality.
They tried, but didn't succeed with some of us. 😊

You get the problems on here not the families that work well

Exactly - if you read this forum you will have an impression that most of British daughters don't even want to spend Christmas with their mothers. But I don't think this is what it looks like in most of the country.

This worries me too OP although my daughters are still young children. My own mother is fun and we talk every single day. I see her at least once a week. However, she does stress me out a lot. It started when I had kids and she couldn’t really get past this idea that because she’s been around longer she knows more by default, and is therefore above me on the totem pole of authority and expertise. Her little criticisms grind me down and have damaged by self esteem. I am confident she doesn’t realise.
I hope that if my husband and I spend time making sure our partnership stays strong and happy over the years, that I won’t crumble when the girls leave home, stuck with someone I actually don’t know or like anymore, when family obligations no longer take so much of our time.

You can't guarantee anything but if you are present for your children and they tell you they love you ever day then you're on track.

My child says she loves me as soon as she wakes up. I actually believe she will want to look after me, but I'm spending the next few decades ensuring she doesn't have to and knows it.

Well you say that, but even a fantastic Mum can become dependent and time-and-energy consuming eventually, just because of the realities of old age. My strategy to minimise that for my kids is to keep as physically fit as I can.

Ermmm... so mothers are a burden but fathers are what?

I think references to mothers is because older women are often widowed/divorced and live alone.

The old boys seem to move on from the late/ex-wife a lot quicker - so dad becomes the burden of his new partner!

I most certainly am not a burden to my adult sons, in fact the opposite, and they both live abroad so I'm even less of a non-burden burden!

No one in my close friend group of five, all 70-somethings, is a burden either, in fact two are still doing child care. We are all active and in good nick, and only recently gave up work - one day we might become dependent/burdensome, who knows.

I totally agree. There seems to be an emphasis on mothers remaining 'useful', able to participate but not ask anything in return. To always be upbeat and positive- and deal with problems on their own. It's a rather bleak view of the human beings closest to us.
When you think most of us will be disabled or incapacitated at a point in our life- Im glad I never had children! At least if people find me boring, they keep it to themselves

Wow. Lets hope she doesn't spend her money on care home fees- she might just find out how much her family actually care for her...

My parents aren’t ‘old’ yet but I do find my grandparents hard work at times. One is very judgmental and makes comments about my weight (which isn’t that bad!). The other must watch GB news on repeat as has generally negative views about everything and everyone- people who work from home, immigrants, GPs (you get the picture). I don’t find conversing with them enjoyable but I do still try.

My in laws love making negative comments too. I generally find it all exhausting.

Honestly don’t know how it gets avoided. Try not to be the mother than constantly refers everything their adult child says to their own possibly limited experience? Listen, less comment.

She lives too far away to visit for the day and pretty much just sits at home alone when she's not here, so yeah, the visits aren't stopping unfortunately. I'm trying to get her into a retirement flat nearby as that would be better for everyone but her house is such a state that we can't really sell it with her in it. I've tried going and sorting it out but she's so destructive that it's one step forward and two steps back every time.

I've got a brother, he lives in the states and because of her health it's really difficult to get travel insurance for her to visit him for any length of time. We're hoping to send her out for 3 months in the spring, she can't travel alone, even with special assistance so I'll have to take her and pay for both mine and her airfares, he'll cover the insurance. Then I'll get the house sorted and sold while she's gone. While also working, and caring for 2 kids, with a husband who travels a lot for work.

Yay 🤦‍♀️

I wouldn't mind if she was really old and genuinely needed support but she's only in her 60's, she's just pathologically lazy.

I do think a lot of people become too reliant on their children for company/help as they get older despite everyone seeming to claim otherwise on threads like this. Being infertile, I’ve read a lot of the childfree forum and threads to look for some positives of not being able to have children. The amount of posters asking and saying things like “aren’t you worried about being lonely?? Who will look after you when you’re old?? You’ll be a drain on society” etc etc. So I do think despite everyone claiming when they’re younger that they won’t ever rely on their kids, they do actually expect this will happen.
I also think a lot of people become quite obsessed with their own “little family” and think they don’t need any outside friendships. I’ve seen threads on here saying that that’s all the woman wants/needs. I remember a thread where a woman said she was totally bored and uninterested in her childfree friends since becoming a parent. Had no interest in seeing or speaking to them anymore. She only wanted to talk about her child with other people who knew how she felt. I myself lost a lot of friends after they had children as they only wanted to socialise with others who had kids as well. And there’s plenty of threads saying the same. The childfree people are always told to “wait until the kids are grown up and start the friendship again”. But why should they? Why would I wait 20 years until someone has the inclination to talk to me again? In those 20 years I’ve made other friends. So I think people who drop friendships easily will struggle in later life as their only source of company may well be their kids. Especially if they end up divorced/widowed. Their little family now has their own little family that might not always include them.

Any individual (female or male, parent or not) is only a "burden" if they allow it to happen.
Don't complain to your adult kids, don't ask them to help you with stuff, cultivate lots of interests and friendships.

But also, don't feel obligated to pass on an inheritance. Enjoy what you have and, if you need practical assistance, use your funds to buy that in.

Each stage of life and age has its own characteristics.
A baby is a huge burden by nature of its dependency.
A toddler is a burden because they are fighting for their rights
A school age child is a burden because their needs are simply endless: love, lifts, money
A teenager is a burden in so many ways!
And so it goes on ......
We don't deprecate these humans. We recognise that people make demands on those around them commensurate with their stage of life.

My mum did a lot for me - in every way it's possible for a mum to do a lot.

I feel very fortunate to be able to return some of that now she's elderly. None of it is burdensome.

I read that as men die before women

Bloody hell, no-ones allowed to ask family members for help now? I'm more than happy to help

Don’t make your children your whole life; nurture your own friendships and have hobbies, interests and a social life aside from your family. Don’t do so much for your adult children that you neglect to maintain your own social circle. Then you will never be a burden on your children and they, and you, can enjoy each other’s company without ever feeling like it’s a burden or a duty.

That is so rude of them!! I'm shocked. Good for you!

Gosh I would have been furious HelenaWaiting.

Especially after you had been so kind to allow both of them to live with you!

Glad you put things straight.

I love my darling Mum and wouldn’t want to have Christmas without her. I check in on her most days because she’s in her 80’s and I’d worry if I didn’t.
She’s always been loving, caring, wise, kind, supportive, generous, funny, clever, calm - my rock basically. So, no she’s never a burden.

She has hobbies and friends and is fairly self sufficient. She knows she can come and live with us if she ever needs to. But we agree it’s better she retains her independence for as long as she can.

The kids adore her. She has been on holiday with us, she comes every xmas and is round here for dinner at least once a week.

But I do understand that I’m bloody lucky to have her and some of my friends’ mothers, well let’s just say they are high maintenance and leave it at that!