To think most mums end up a 'burden'....

[LittleWhiteFlowers]

to their adult children?
Not necessarily needing a lot of care etc just in day to day life.
I see it on here all of the time, mentioning 'duty' visits and phone calls, talking about eye rolling when mum perhaps strays to a well worn but favourite topic of conversation. Preferring Christmas with 'their own little family' but inviting mum out of guilt etc.
How do I avoid this with my own children? I would rather they saw/spoke to me less than felt the need to talk to me out of duty or pity!!
I have no real frame of reference as I was nc with my own mother until she died fairly recently and she was standoffish in life and really couldn't care less if she saw us or not.

Cheeky buggers!!! I hope they are young enough that this was just a stupid thoughtless push to be 'grown up!!!'.
Hopefully they will remain a little more humble now you have pointed out the error of their ways💐

I try not to be demanding,of their time ,but to be there when they need support.i try not to require anything from them.
It's a fine line though
But also agree with a previous poster who said those with good relationships won't be posting about it on here

I’m scared I’ll end up with my only child feeling like I’m a burden because I don’t have a big circle.

No, they do pay me something. It barely covers their food (as they now know) but it is something. DS has recently changed careers so his wage is rather lower than it will be iyswim, and DIL is woefully underpaid for her skills but won't contemplate changing jobs. And it turns out they're really rubbish at saving.

Create one. I was widowed pretty young so once the kids were old enough to be a little more independent, I made a conscious effort to widen my social circle. I joined a book club, a walking group (although I wheel rather than walk), made every effort I could to get involved socially at work. It's a shock to adult kids when they deign to pay a duty visit and find that you're busy, but it's good for them and good for the relationship. We're not just mums, we're also people. Sometimes we need to remind them.

My mum recently passed (I was often moaning about her on MN and I was regularly told I’d miss her once she was gone…)

I honestly feel she was the rudest guest to host. She couldn’t help but make comments… our mugs should be in a different cupboard, the windows could do with a clean, I had to go down the shop that instant as she couldn’t bare the idea of using spreadable butter (well, use something else then!) If we slept past 8am on the weekend we’d have comments on how could we be like those lazy people…

Then there was the minor incompetence, any form of new technology she’d refuse to get it out the box to even try to set it up. Refuse to use her satnav and generally refuse to drive anywhere.

We’d go out for coffee (I did try to suggest meeting out than having to deep clean my house AND still get comments she’d literally check under the rug) and she’d make conversation on ‘ugh look at that woman scoffing cake with her coffee, no wonder she’s that size’.

The more I read on Mumsnet the more I realise how lucky I was with my Mum. She was always there for you but never interfered. She would give her opinion but never pass judgement. She was supportive when my siblings and I had problems.

She had some real sadness in her life but she never complained and was always busy, right up until she died. She also enjoyed having a laugh and was game for anything.

I miss her all the time.

I'm in my 30's and can't imagine ever seeing my mum as a burden.

If it helps, she has always been very interested in my life but in a nonjudgmental way (so she will absolutely ring me to find out how anything went, but she never questions my decisions and only offers advice when I ask for it. She's my biggest cheerleader and I can't imagine not wanting to call someone who's always on my team).

She doesn't guilt trip if I'm busy or turn down invites, she's always been warm and lovely to my husband, and she still actively wants to see me now I've got children (instead of treating me like a provider of grandchildren!).

My mum and I were close and she absolutely was not a burden. She was a busy sociable independent woman who travelled but adored me and her grandchildren.

Then she became ill with Alzheimer’s and our relationship did change as I had to take on responsibility for her, provide and/or arrange care until she died. Even then she was never a burden. It was an awful time but I was always so glad I never moved over 40 mins drive away and was able to be there.

My mum died young so I guess I will never know what she would have been like if she’d lived to the age where she could have possibly been ‘a burden’. I can’t imagine thinking like that about her as she was always much more of a help to me eg with small kids than I was to her. I like to imagine that if the tables had turned naturally as she got older and she needed me more then I would have taken it in my stride and thought of all she’d done for me.

That’s the way it was with both my grandmothers who lived to their 80s and 90s and in their last years had a lot of support from my parents but no more than all they had given in babysitting us, school runs, household errands whilst parents worked etc etc.

It’s a quid pro quo thing in a loving family is what I’d hope. I’ll always be there for my DC and I hope that if I get a bit boring in conversation in my old age that they will still love me enough to put up with it. Lord knows I wish my mum was still here and she could be as boring or needy as she liked if she was.

My dad is still alive and quite independent. I have more trouble trying to get him to ask for help or call me than the opposite.

That’s just what my mum was like. No wonder I miss her.

My siblings and i have a great relationship with our mum. We'd never ever see her as a burden.

Bloody marvellous @HelenaWaiting

I've obviously been lucky. I have a lovely elderly Mum who would do anything for me if she could. She's never a burden and even though I live away, she never guilts me about stuff. She's always there on the end of a phone, as I am her. But she brought me up independent and has as always had her own life too.
My Mil is lovely too.

And that's why he needed a reality check! Pompous isn't pleasant so good for you, i would do the same. Xx

I think a lot of the parent relationship is about conversation and willingness to listen and engage in new things. I can’t really speak for my mum because she has early stages dementia and is bedbound so our relationship isn’t wildly reciprocal, but my dad is brilliant. His fun, he’s interesting, he’s willing to let me talk and he’ll empathise and sympathise.

My mother-in-law on the other hand- the conversation has always had to be centred around her or about things she likes & it comes back to her. She’s one of these people who always dominate the conversation and it’s exhausting. My husband doesn’t have that much of a relationship with her for this reason.

I think a lot of it is just being flexible, kind, but also open to having proper conversations with your children as adults. And also being a bit interesting. People who want to talk about themselves all the time can be tiresome & a relationship can be strained, no matter who they are or their age/generation.

Depends. Mine is quite needy but she 80. Negative tones. So yes a burden sometimes but its more her negativity. My friend said her mam wasnt like that as joined clubs. Some parents just easier I think

My Mum is the Queen in our family. My 3 Dbro and I all love her to bits, my SIL love her too. She has to rotate herself each Xmas and is never and will never be a burden on any of us. She has given us a wonderful life full of love, happiness and unwavering support. I would feel totally ashamed if i ever considered her a burden.

With my own young adult DC I am yet to go down that path but I hope they would feel the same about me.

My mum isn't a burden to me, my MIL isn't a burden to my husband and my grandparents weren't burdens either.

My mum even when I was growing up has always had an active social life and hobbies that continue into her 70s and I think it was one of the best things she modelled to me. Too often I read on here on parents who feel "lonely" as their teenagers don't need them any more and want to be with their friends and I think it's so unhealthy to be relying on your children for companionship and to allievate your loneliness. I suspect its these mothers who are the ones that end up burdens to their children!

When I reflect on the older members of my extended family, past and present my advice would be

• keep your views to yourself most of the time. Don’t like the new sofa? Don’t say anything, think the new holiday is too expensive? If they aren’t asking you for subsidy keep it to yourself. Nobody likes their life choices being criticised
• Try and keep a broad level of interests and people you talk to in order to not just have one or two people you chat with. Religious org, social group, interest group, whatever.
• have a broader interest in life, learn new things. U3A can be good for that.
• try and largely have a positive mindset. A constant stream of complaints about health/neighbours/local council bin collections to exclusion of neutral or positive topics make people dread calls. Subset of this - don’t always bang on about how shit everything is these days and how thing used to be better in your day.
• try to move with the times - new tech can be your friend.
• if you have a partner don’t let them be solely reliant for eg finances, how everything in house works.
• Be willing to accept help from third parties before it becomes a crisis

My mum was never a burden. She was so independent and didn’t need any emotional support. MIL is a massive burden though. She is demanding and meddling, and has to be involved in everything or she sulks.

Be their friend, not just their mum. My mum was lovely, she never pushed opinions onto me, she let me make my own mistakes, she gave me space to breathe. Never judgemental (though sometimes take the mick), she always seemed to be on my side. She was kind and also fun, she seemed to like life and didn't try and live it through her children. Until we ended up living 300 miles apart, I hung out with mum a lot because she was great company and not as a chore.

Sure, she had a few faults but as mums go my brothers and I agree that mum was fab and my brothers and I never agree on anything!

This isn’t the case with my elderly mother or mother in law. I desperately miss my dad.

Be helpful but not overbearing.
Keep in contact but not too much.
Ask questions and show a real interest.
Understand that your children have their own life and that you aren’t going to be number 1.

Growing up my mum was often miserable because she wasn’t happy with my dad but stayed with him. She is still miserable now and moans about him but won’t do anything about it. She doesn’t have much independence or many hobbies.
When I had my son she didn’t help out but also didn’t with my nephew so I didn’t expect it. She now wonders why they don’t have a relationship now he’s 8 as he barely knows her despite her living around the corner.
She is very negative about most stuff and takes on other people’s worries then moans to me about them!

I now avoid seeing her too much! Which is a shame but I find she brings me down.

Don’t be that mother/grandmother!! But if you are already or have given your children a rubbish upbringing, try and rectify it before it’s too late!

Some of these are lovely to read, I will just try really hard to be like the amazing mums out there!