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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most mums end up a 'burden'....

160 replies

LittleWhiteFlowers · 17/11/2025 18:35

to their adult children?
Not necessarily needing a lot of care etc just in day to day life.
I see it on here all of the time, mentioning 'duty' visits and phone calls, talking about eye rolling when mum perhaps strays to a well worn but favourite topic of conversation. Preferring Christmas with 'their own little family' but inviting mum out of guilt etc.
How do I avoid this with my own children? I would rather they saw/spoke to me less than felt the need to talk to me out of duty or pity!!
I have no real frame of reference as I was nc with my own mother until she died fairly recently and she was standoffish in life and really couldn't care less if she saw us or not.

OP posts:
LizaRadleywasonthespectrum · 18/11/2025 18:11

Just off to top myself before any one suffers my presence 🙄

MissFancyDay · 18/11/2025 18:54

LizaRadleywasonthespectrum · 18/11/2025 18:11

Just off to top myself before any one suffers my presence 🙄

Why...are you awful?

EmmaWotsit · 18/11/2025 20:59

I'm the mother of a young adult DD and no way am I going to be squirming around suppressing my personality and opinions as some of you are suggesting! I've raised a lovely, kind, confident young woman with whom I have a great relationship so I reckon I know what I'm doing.

We all get old and lose independence at some point, no matter how much Pilates we do, weights we lift or hobbies we have. It's part of the circle of life and I hope my daughter will do her duty by me. And I know duty is a dirty word on here.

ticktockitsNCtime · 18/11/2025 21:04

@EmmaWotsit You hope your daughter will do her duty by you? Ouch. That was uncomfortable to read.

EmmaWotsit · 18/11/2025 21:39

Ouch. That was uncomfortable to read

😂

Told you some of you would find duty to be a dirty word!

TheGoddessFrigg · 19/11/2025 09:15

There is another thread where a mother is told that she should bow to her 20 something children's wishes and NOT invite a friend to Xmas dinner. So when are women supposed to make friends? In their 60s and 70s when the children are not dependent but then the friends might have their own ill health and issues?

Sartre · 19/11/2025 09:24

I think lots of people are close to their mums, I don’t know if this is due to them being close growing up or what. I don’t like my mum too much so don’t opt to spend time with her all that often. She made lots of mistakes when I was a child, some I have found difficult to forgive. We also have incompatible personalities for many reasons so it doesn’t work.

My NDN’s mum is practically there every single day helping out so I know some adults clearly depend on and appreciate their mothers. No idea what the trick is, not being a dick when they’re kids helps though.

TeachMeSomething · 19/11/2025 09:51

My mum died 12 years ago and she's still the first person I want to call when I have news to share - good or bad.

JHound · 19/11/2025 10:22

My mother is my one of my best friends so she would never be a burden to me - but I know a lot of friends who do view their mothers as “burdens” typically because she is a taker (of time, money, emotional support and labour) and feels entitled to these things for having supported their children growing up. A lot are also divorcees / widowers.

I would say to avoid this, simply invest in your life outside of your children and make sure you build a strong loving relationship with them.

Kreepture · 19/11/2025 10:56

i think its a matter of nurturing a friendship once they're fully fledged adults, and maintaining being self sufficient as long as you can.

I have a very good relationship with my mum, the only time i feel its any kind of 'burden' is when she starts complaining about being lonely like its my responsibility to be her social life since Dad passed away, or when she tries to tell me how to parent my kids/judges me for something.

Flowerprince · 19/11/2025 10:59

Jamjarcandlestick · 17/11/2025 19:31

My mum recently passed (I was often moaning about her on MN and I was regularly told I’d miss her once she was gone…)

I honestly feel she was the rudest guest to host. She couldn’t help but make comments… our mugs should be in a different cupboard, the windows could do with a clean, I had to go down the shop that instant as she couldn’t bare the idea of using spreadable butter (well, use something else then!) If we slept past 8am on the weekend we’d have comments on how could we be like those lazy people…

Then there was the minor incompetence, any form of new technology she’d refuse to get it out the box to even try to set it up. Refuse to use her satnav and generally refuse to drive anywhere.

We’d go out for coffee (I did try to suggest meeting out than having to deep clean my house AND still get comments she’d literally check under the rug) and she’d make conversation on ‘ugh look at that woman scoffing cake with her coffee, no wonder she’s that size’.

This is my mum to a t. Also turning every conversation back onto herself and things that happened in the past we have already discussed a million times.
She wants me to act like an adult/parent figure to her (paying for things, giving advice etc) but didn’t do that for me when I was a child. She’s never been a responsible independent adult really.

MidnightPatrol · 19/11/2025 11:02

TheGoddessFrigg · 19/11/2025 09:15

There is another thread where a mother is told that she should bow to her 20 something children's wishes and NOT invite a friend to Xmas dinner. So when are women supposed to make friends? In their 60s and 70s when the children are not dependent but then the friends might have their own ill health and issues?

TBF - I have many friends but would not insist upon inviting them to a Christmas dinner, particularly if my family weren’t keen.

There are 364 days a year she could see her friend that aren’t Christmas Day with her family?

LizaRadleywasonthespectrum · 19/11/2025 19:06

@MissFancyDayNo I’m lovely. I can give you lessons if you like 😉

TheTwitcher11 · 19/11/2025 19:47

Flocke · 18/11/2025 12:32

I do think a lot of people become too reliant on their children for company/help as they get older despite everyone seeming to claim otherwise on threads like this. Being infertile, I’ve read a lot of the childfree forum and threads to look for some positives of not being able to have children. The amount of posters asking and saying things like “aren’t you worried about being lonely?? Who will look after you when you’re old?? You’ll be a drain on society” etc etc. So I do think despite everyone claiming when they’re younger that they won’t ever rely on their kids, they do actually expect this will happen.
I also think a lot of people become quite obsessed with their own “little family” and think they don’t need any outside friendships. I’ve seen threads on here saying that that’s all the woman wants/needs. I remember a thread where a woman said she was totally bored and uninterested in her childfree friends since becoming a parent. Had no interest in seeing or speaking to them anymore. She only wanted to talk about her child with other people who knew how she felt. I myself lost a lot of friends after they had children as they only wanted to socialise with others who had kids as well. And there’s plenty of threads saying the same. The childfree people are always told to “wait until the kids are grown up and start the friendship again”. But why should they? Why would I wait 20 years until someone has the inclination to talk to me again? In those 20 years I’ve made other friends. So I think people who drop friendships easily will struggle in later life as their only source of company may well be their kids. Especially if they end up divorced/widowed. Their little family now has their own little family that might not always include them.

Those mums you mention are always boring bastards too lol

TheGoddessFrigg · 21/11/2025 13:45

MidnightPatrol · 19/11/2025 11:02

TBF - I have many friends but would not insist upon inviting them to a Christmas dinner, particularly if my family weren’t keen.

There are 364 days a year she could see her friend that aren’t Christmas Day with her family?

Show quote history

'simply invest in your life outside of your children and make sure you build a strong loving relationship with them' So... invest in your life but still remain available to all your children's whims and wants no matter their age? Quite difficult to build friendships then isnt it? And do their childcare when wanted,

I dont see this sort of criticism directed at fathers. So much internalised misogyny. A mother's place is still in the wrong

EleventyThree · 21/11/2025 13:55

MidnightPatrol · 17/11/2025 18:39

People are more likely to share posts about difficult relationships than easy ones. The people who have positive relationships with their mothers won’t be posting asking for advice on how to deal with them etc.

I suppose all you can do is foster a good relationship with them, and be supportive and don’t judge them.

The ‘well worn topics of conversation’ - I think the risk there is that people’s worlds can get very, very small post-retirement. So - remind yourself to be open-minded, learn new things, and express interests outside of your daily routine and memories of the past.

I second all of this.

ginasevern · 21/11/2025 14:16

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast " It’s not that hard but it does rely on good health I think. Once older people become poorly they always get rather self centred and it’s usually at this point they become a burden sadly."

Absolutely. They become a total fucking nuisance once they're completely knackered. One good reason to vote for euthanasia I say!

kittywittyandpretty · 21/11/2025 14:17

I don’t mind being involved in their lives out of pity duty or obligation
Their motivation is irrelevant. I get to spend time with my grandchildren and that’s literally all that matters.

Goldenbear · 21/11/2025 14:24

I have a good friendship with my Mum but I would say that has mainly been since I turned 40 and she can be more frank with me about her relationship with my Dad who she divorced as a result of affairs, the reality and fun parts of having children. I think people to that she wanted to protect me from emotional upset.

I am trying to be good friends with my DC and we all share a good sense of humour, plus I have an adult teen and DH and I are early to mid 40s so we don't feel like it was that long ago when we had young experiences, it certainly helps as we are relatable, we are going to the pub and food tonight with him for example before he goes out with friends, we are laid back but at the same time I'm hoping both DC think they can rely on us for emotional support not the other way around though. DS and I have lots in common so it's not really hard to talk with him which obviously helps foster good relations. My youngest is a bit, 'Rebel without a cause' but tbh I was similar at her age so I think that helps diffuse any challenges.

Goldenbear · 21/11/2025 14:25

Before then not "people to".

noidea69 · 21/11/2025 14:29

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 17/11/2025 18:57

Ermmm... so mothers are a burden but fathers are what?

just life's perpetual givers...?

🤔

I think you raise your child with family values and to understand relationshops are reciprocal.

Edited

Generally i think fathers are less likely to make children feel guilty if they don't spend time with them.

Fathers also don't mind if things aren't done "their" way as generally they dont have "their" way, they have the way their wives way and just go along with that.

Polyestered · 21/11/2025 14:32

HelenaWaiting · 17/11/2025 18:44

I had this. My DS and DIL live with me, whilst they save for a deposit. They started acting like I was living with them, making little comments about my "dependence" on them (I'm disabled but I still work full-time and I have a life of my own). Finally I sat them down with some hard truths. Showed them the bills and pointed out the extent to which I am massively subsidising them. Explained what my life would be like without them there (pretty busy, actually) and told them that whilst I sympathise with the difficulties young people face getting on the housing ladder, and they are very welcome, it is my house, I paid for it and I would really rather they had a place of their own. There's a lot less "burden" and "duty" talk now.

This is fascinating! Why on earth did they think they were doing you the favour and not the other way around?!

Friendlygingercat · 21/11/2025 15:08

Many truthful posts in this thread. Adult children who have posituve relationships with their parents do not post. Unleaa a parent dies/is ill and they need a hand hold. You will see far more of negative relationships on mumsnet because they can poison the entire life and development of a child. Even into adulthood.

MissFancyDay · 21/11/2025 17:24

LizaRadleywasonthespectrum · 19/11/2025 19:06

@MissFancyDayNo I’m lovely. I can give you lessons if you like 😉

I am also lovely, and not in the habit of making passive aggressive remarks to my kids 😏

Mary46 · 21/11/2025 17:39

Your kids should not become your social life though. Our mam is quite needy and negative. It is very draining. Keep yourself a bit independent..

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