To think most mums end up a 'burden'....

[LittleWhiteFlowers]

to their adult children?
Not necessarily needing a lot of care etc just in day to day life.
I see it on here all of the time, mentioning 'duty' visits and phone calls, talking about eye rolling when mum perhaps strays to a well worn but favourite topic of conversation. Preferring Christmas with 'their own little family' but inviting mum out of guilt etc.
How do I avoid this with my own children? I would rather they saw/spoke to me less than felt the need to talk to me out of duty or pity!!
I have no real frame of reference as I was nc with my own mother until she died fairly recently and she was standoffish in life and really couldn't care less if she saw us or not.

The people I know with the most successful relationships with their mums as adults have mums who dont think their word is law or that their opinion always needs to be heard because they are the 'mum' (same goes for dads) it must be tricky, to transition from the parent-child relationship to a more friend dynamic, but that seems to be what works best in my experience. Always there in a heartbeat for a shoulder to cry on, and occasionally a 'are you sure about that' but never guilt tripping, or laden with expectation.
Basically mums who actually want to be good company and try to be - that doesn't mean never being grumpy, or sad, or overstepping, or getting it wrong, but it does mean never falling into the trap of thinking 'I can behave differently (worse) around them because they are my daughter and I dont have to try to be good company, I can do and say what I like and they just have to put up with it'
Sometimes we are all selfish in our relationships and others are there to pick up the slack, the but the bad parent child relationships I see is when a parent seems to decide they gave so much good in their child's early years they dont have to bother when their child is an adult.

Social life and hobbies don’t alleviate being a burden IMO. If visits are expected, or the mum/gran just isn’t all that warm and pleasant to spend time with, it’s still a drudge. Hobbies etc. just means visits may be required less often.

I don’t think my mum could ever be a burden to me, I’d just be so sad to see her unwell or struggle. I’ve moved out and have my own family but call her (usually twice and day) and see her at least once a week. I’m not spending Christmas Day with her this year but have lots planned with her for the festive season. I just really really love her and enjoy her company.

I spend a lot of time with my parents but I’m not close to my parents, particularly my mum and in a way spending time with her does feel like a burden now I think about it. She never really asks me how I feel or engages with what I tell her. She just wants to talk about so and so’s illness or who is having a baby. I often feel more lonely in her presence than if I were actually alone. She doesn’t know me well, isn’t open minded and doesn’t like to try new things so being around her can be a real effort. That said I love her and I know she loves me in her own way. I worry a lot now that I’m having a child that our relationship will be like the one I have with my parents.

I think you are projecting your experience with your mother and assuming it’s the norm, when it really isn’t.

From my limited knowledge, the only way you can achieve what you want is by building a happy, fulfilling life for yourself.

You will also be less emotionally depends on your adult children, you will have more experiences and perspectives for you adult children to be interested in and at times of need to seek your advise.

According to my observation and experience, those self proclaimed selfless mothers end up driving their adult children away.

This.

I'm in my late thirties with 2 young kids and my mum is a massive burden. She hasn't looked after her own health, expects me to sort out her life for her, interact with the world on her behalf, she spends 2/3 nights a week here and we have to make the kids share a room when she's here. She turns up with all sorts of plastic tat for the kids that we don't have room for, makes a huge mess everywhere, eats in the middle of the night so I'm constantly running out of food when I don't expect it. Will finish a loaf making herself late night toast so there's no bread left to make the kids lunches etc etc. She has regular health crises when she neglects her diabetes and I have to get her to hospital, visit her twice a day while she's there then have her stay until she's well enough to go home. She lets every cat in a 5 mile radius move into her house, feeds them on the floor then doesn't clean up. Her house is such a mess I can't take the kids there. I could go on for DAYS. She's not depressed, I promise. It's just how she is.

But, she's massively the outlier amongst my friends. Most of my friends look forward to seeing their mums who are independent, supportive, positive influences on their and their families lives. Sitting outside DDS ballet lesson this evening another mum was telling me how her mum is coming next week and the kids are looking forward to seeing granny etc. A school mum mentioned today that she's going away to some Christmas markets with her mum and really looking forward to it. I think it's just the negative relationships get more press.

I worry about this too.
I have an excellent relationship with my adult DC. We do things together as friends and equals. I can be of support and help to them.
However, with the best will in the world in 30 years or so, I'm going to be slower, duller, less capable, less helpful, less equal.
The dynamic will shift and because they are generous, loving and kind, I fully expect they will tolerate me with good grace, but I fear it will be from love and duty rather than genuine desire for my company.
I dread the surreptitious glances at the clock, the exchange of looks that communicate things they won't say to me. The conversations too quiet for me to hear, about me, no longer with me. The way i see other older people treated.
My best hope is that I stay reasonably well in mind and body so its not too dull and onerous. Or failing that I lose my self awareness entirely and am none the wiser.

This! My own children are on the verge of adulthood so I'm almost the older mother myself, but for decades (at least since my children were born) my mother has turned everything around to how much better everything is where she is than wherever I'm living!

I've always thought it's a kind of doubling down because they moved us all to a chocolate box village full of locals who's families had lived there since the stone age plus incomer wealthy-ish retirees when we children were late primary and parents were late 30s. It was kind of a mad thing to do and has always been an impractical place to live, and of course we never really fitted in and my sibling and I all left for uni and jobs and only went back to visit...

But perhaps all mother's who's children move away do it even if they live in a normal place without the back story...

My mum is very elderly (90), feels like a burden and one that I am resentful of. I have friends who are more cheerfully willing to care for their elderly parents so it’s something I am thinking a lot about, mostly to avoid the situation with my own children.

The lessons I have learned are not to get ‘old’ before your time. My mum was as fit as a fiddle but wanted to be fussed over from about the age of 60. It’s been a long 30 years since then!

Also don’t show favouritism towards your kids. Or if you do, don’t expect the less favoured one to do all the running around when you need help just because she’s a girl. And don’t show blatant favouritism for one set of grandkids over the others either.

And look after yourself physically as best as you can. Go to the doctor, be honest about your symptoms. Don’t let minor things become huge because you tried to pretend they weren’t happening. If your hearing goes, get hearing aids and bloody wear them. If you refuse to, don’t complain that nobody visits you because why would they when they can’t have a conversation because you can’t hear them.

I think (hope) if you make an effort to help yourself while you can, your kids won’t find it such an effort to care for you when you can’t.

I don't share the negativity. I know a lot of women who were treasured matriarchs in their final days. Not difficult burdens. I know a disabled elderly lady who is fairly estranged from her son, she won't be anyone's burden too.

My dad is being treated like a burden by some of the family, which is unpleasant :(. I live too far away to do a lot for him but am trying to improve my contribution.

OK ..... here's the other side of the equation. I am a pensioner, widowed and living alone, have heart and mobility problems. It is shit. I would give antything to have my life's partner and my health back. I hate it. I did not choose it, as indeed I am sure that all you younger folks on here do not wish for this for yourselves and would not choose it .... but it creeps up on you inexorably and you have to make the best of what you have.

I do all I can to maintain as active and independent a life as possible and to contribute to my community. I run a choir, sing with another, do the village hall bookings, take on design projects .... all a massive and painful struggle. Above all else, and on my mind constantly, is my strong desire not to be burdensome to my wonderful DDs and their families. I get people in to help me at home and take taxis when I am not well enough to drive, in spite of DDs offering to help. I do what I can for them mainly in the form of supporting their musical efforts (this is where my skills lie), being a listening ear and helping with child care occasionally.

But inevitably there are now times when they offer and I need to accept help from them. It seems to be freely and genuinely offered. I guess this will increase as time goes by.

Just to say .... it is bad enough losing your life as you knew it to the inevitability of getting older and losing a loved one, but to also have to be minding one's ps and qs in order not to be a pain to one's AC is an added burden. I am doing my best ..... I hope I succeed but I have never done this before!
Sadly this will come to everyone as time passes.
I know some of you will have mothers with whom you have a difficult relationship, and I can identify with that. But I guess that as they get older they have battles to fight that consume much energy, both emotional and physical and that underneath there might be sadness. That does not let them off the hook as regards trying not to be a burden, but might explain why they are not always the hoped for ray of sunshine.

Me and my sister are 39 and 37 respectively. We have careers, partners and friends and I have children. But our mum is an absolute rockstar. We love her, we love spending time with her. She never has chance to miss us. She will never be a burden. Cheeky city break. Ask mum. DIY disaster. Ask mum. Need enablement for some questionable but fun life choices. Ask mum.

I would say be aware of how much of your DD’s time you are taking - you are old with some health issues, can’t get out much so bored, friends in similar predicament or passed away, widowed?, lonely compared to previous life.
But this comes to most people and you mustn’t expect DD/DCs to be able to fill that huge void.

And Dads don't?

What a cheek of them @HelenaWaiting!

Even when it comes a time that my mum (or dad) need more help, I won't find them a burden. They wouldn't have me do an actual caring role but if it came a point that they perhaps needed support with an appointment, shopping or cleaning I'd absolutely do what I can to help out. My parents have helped me so much over the years it's the least I could do.

I know all families are different, but that's how it is for me and my parents.

Well, I’m not to my kids. I don’t need daily phone calls, visits etc or help with care. 🤷‍♀️

I’ve got my own life going on.

Amazing :D

Brilliant. Well done to you.

I guess this is one benefit of not being able to have children! I don’t need to worry about being a burden to them!

Yanbu. My mums coming to visit this week, I told her a long weekend (so 3-4 days max) and she “accidentally” booked it (uses public transport) for 6 days.
Shes lovely, but after a few days her real self starts coming through and I honestly struggle with her behaviour, snd yes she does have her own life! Makes me jealous of my brother as she wouldnt dream of staying at his let alone for nearly a week.
I will never do this to my kids, if they want me to visit I will just stay for however long they say!
The bizarre part is that her mum is still alive, and she moans to me if she has to stay a few days with her for various reasons! 🤣 I went down to see them and planned to stay at my nans for 3 days and my mum moaned and said we could only stay one night as it was “too much” for her?! Yet she does it to her own daughter.

I wonder whether there’s a big element of misogyny here?

I think people generally - including other women sometimes - take women’s time, labour and help ( particularly that of older women) for granted and as their due, rather than valuing it and being grateful for it in the same way as they would for men. There’s a lack of recognition that continues beyond childhood of mum as a person in her own right, rather than a resource whose wishes and needs are at worst irrelevant and at best always to be secondary to those of the wider family and in particular grown up children and grandchildren.

I love my mum and look guard to spending time with her. Reading others posts, I guess it's true that she's never, or very rarely asked anything of me. Lately she has taken to commenting on how grateful she is that I like spending time with her. I guess she can see how some others are faring, but w truly get on well and are interested in each other's lives.