To think most mums end up a 'burden'....

[LittleWhiteFlowers]

to their adult children?
Not necessarily needing a lot of care etc just in day to day life.
I see it on here all of the time, mentioning 'duty' visits and phone calls, talking about eye rolling when mum perhaps strays to a well worn but favourite topic of conversation. Preferring Christmas with 'their own little family' but inviting mum out of guilt etc.
How do I avoid this with my own children? I would rather they saw/spoke to me less than felt the need to talk to me out of duty or pity!!
I have no real frame of reference as I was nc with my own mother until she died fairly recently and she was standoffish in life and really couldn't care less if she saw us or not.

My Mum has avoided it by being a really nice, kind and considerate Mum. She has never been annyth7ng other than lovely to me. I do things for her because I want to. This afternoon my brother and I were at her house doing chores together. We enjoy it. I’d do anything for my Mum.

Genuine question- whilst your mother is visiting your brother, are you really going to sell her house?
What if she doesn't agree to it?

I said to my adult child "I wish I wasn't such a burden".

They said "you aint heavy, you're my Mother". (A play on the words of a song lyric for the information of younger readers)

In the same way my child wasnt a burden when they were young. I wasn't just happy to carry them but doing so just increased my love for them.

Yes absolutely, with her permission and encouragement. She wants to move into a retirement flat and recognises it's much easier to sell the house empty and that we can gut it for sale if she's not living there.

We're not doing anything behind her back!

That's quite a list of expectations and requirements.

Is a mother allowed to have a similar list for how adult daughters should behave if they want a good relationship with their mother?

We live on the same street as my parents. We moved deliberately as close as we could when I got pregnant, they are both amazing and my mum is one of my best friends.

Now yes. The very rare time we would clash heads but generally she’s nothing but loving, supportive, kind and helpful, and we very much match that energy with her and my dad.

My husband gets on brilliantly with both of my parents, because things are very open and honest, with no pressure and a lot of love, support and understanding. It’s something he notices and comments on regularly as he came from a very broken family dynamic with a lot of abusive behaviours. Both his parents are still alive and live 15 and 25 minutes away but we are no contact with both after a few years of failed attempts of reconciliation and communication.

I think family commentary is a bit like reviews. You’ll see more negatives than positives as people tend to only vocalise things when they have a problem. But I think it’s totally possible to have a healthy close relationship with adult children and their families. It’s all down to communication and really understanding one another!

I don't think all, but I can think of an Aunt for example. Although she passed her driving test when young, she would never drive anywhere even when a lot younger. Her DH would do all the driving. In fact in my whole life I've only remembered her driving once, when her DH was in hospital.

Inevitably, her DH died and she was left stranded. Got her DC to sell the car and deal with all DH's possessions, lifts all the time from her DC although they don't live local.

Now she has a health condition that needs regular hospital appointments. Lifts every time from her 2 DC, one moreso than the other. Problem is it's not local for them, they both work full time as do their partners, have young children, commitments etc.

A burden, I don't know, but I can see how it's a pain when you're part of a "sandwich generation" and can't fit in time for family life as it is due to work, etc.

It depends quite a lot on whom they will marry - I have a dear friend, she has two sons. One married a taker, empty-headed Insta girl, he has been massively influenced by her (like all of us are influenced by the people we spend time with). He has an arms-length relationship with her now. The other married a decent, properly brought up girl, who understands duty goes both ways (parent-child, child-parent). She is the driving force (as my friend tells me) behind his phone calls to his mum, the cards, the money he forces on her for her holidays and a policy of 'our house is your house at any moment'. Having said that, the girl/woman in question is a lot wealthier than his mum and she is also a very kind individual. This woman also teaches respect towards gran and teaches her children to put gran (and elderly people overall) first, but she is a devout Christian, this woman.

Where did I say they were expectations or requirements?

The OP expressly asked for advice as to how her kids actively want to see her as opposed to duty visits, not what actions she should take as a daughter. This was just a list of areas where I have seen strain on relationships with older people so things I personally intend to be mindful of as I am aging. Spend time on the elderly parents board and you’ll see these topics come up again and again as things elderly parents do that grind gears with adult children.

Many of them certainly apply at all ages if you want to have good family relations and friendships - because who actively wants to be around highly critical, relentlessly negative people who don’t engage with the world?

Sorry op, but your experience has shaped your perception of this. If you had a very loving and involved family then that is all you would know and spending time with your family would just feel normal and natural rather than a burden. It’s really as simple as that.