MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

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DS has just turned 1 and MIL has started asking if she can have him for the day on her own as she feels like she doesn’t get any quality time with him (we see her every 1-2 weeks) and to ‘give me a break’.

I’m not really sure how I feel about it - 1 feels very young for him to be doing this and MIL is v pushy so if I say yes once then she’ll constantly expect it and I know she’ll be pestering for sleepovers as well. I also love spending time with my little man and don’t need or want a break anyway!

DS still naps in his cot for hours at a time so it’s not like she can take him out for the day anyway so it will mean MIL taking him to one of his toddler classes which selfishly I really like doing with him. She looks after SILs children 3+ times a week so she gets to do all of that anyway albeit not with DS.

MIL took about a decade to accept me as part of the family as well so I do feel like this is her way of managing me out of the picture as well.

AIBU to not want her having DS on her own yet?

I never really understand why people are so anti the grannies having the grandchildren alone without the parents. This happened with both sets of grandparents here since our children were babies. Our children have a great relationship with their grandparents. Yes one set of grandparents don't follow the routine as much as I would like but at the end of the day the kids are safe, very happy and very loved.

If it were just about getting to see him and having a close relationship with him, it wouldn't matter whether you were there or not. There's no good reason why she needs to take him off on her own, without you. And certainly not for full days all of a sudden when he's not used to that.

It's ok for you to say you don't want her to do this. You're his parent, not her, you don't have to justify it. Your feelings come first.

If there's any push back and you do feel like explaining yourself just say you don't feel the need to have a break from him and she is welcome to visit all of you when she wants to see him.

You made a very good point about maintaining boundaries. It's really hard to close a door once it's been opened.

I would have been happy with 2-3 hours every couple of weeks at that age.
my in laws wanted to have my 4 yo for a week this summer, I said no. There’s nothing wrong with not feeling comfortable being away from your babies for a length of time you don’t want

in laws wanted our 3 dcs with them without me or dh around so they can parent their way eg unlimited chocolate, nap the toddler at 5pm and then give them back to us hyper exhausted and deregulated. It’s because they don’t like our family structure (and we are pretty chill! Just don’t want a whole day of tv and junk. And to stick to the lunchtime nap…)

Do the grandparents do eye rolls and snide comments?

Why do so many people put pressure on women to override their instincts and their bond with their baby? Babyhood really isn’t long, and there’s nothing weird about not wanting to leave your completely dependent and preverbal child alone for hours with someone you don’t 100% trust, I don’t know why some people are so keen to pile pressure on mothers to do so. A three or four or five year old can build a great relationship with a grandparent without having had to follow some rigid alone-time schedule first.

Because you can easily tell the maternal in law how things are, honestly. I tell my mum exactly how it is, no sugar coating. So then she parents as I wish.
The in laws do snide comments and eye rolls and then completely disregard our family rules and values. A coat pocket full of chocolate just given every 5 from breakfasts onwards. No set meal times, no meals at all just junk food. No nap as it’s too much effort to facilitate and then complain our child is ‘badly behaved and screaming’ at 4pm and they have no clue why!!

I'd be perfectly happy if I was asked round every week or two to see my dc aged 1.

If my DIL expressed a desire for me to babysit, I'd be happy, depending on my own circumstances at the time.

But I cannot imagine I would expect to have a day to myself every week unless I was actually needed.

I thought the arrangement referred to by a previous poster of a supper once a week for the parents to go out was rather nice. But a day with a pre-schooler is a lot for a little one to not be with mum - and a big gap for mum who might have taken a step back in her career in order to be able to do the childcare.

It takes a village and all that, but the more people in a child's life who love it and want to devote time to it the better surely?

Is she not going to love it if she can't have her day a week to herself?

It’s the fact that - OP wasn’t accepted into the family by MIL for ten years and now she wants to take her baby and makes snide comments and eye rolls which undermine Ops mothering so there is lack of trust

you would build trust

it’s also odd to say I want to see baby without you there I

If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. And that’s okay. Your MIL should take your lead on this as, to be honest, post partum women are vulnerable and their MH/wellbeing matters more.

It sounds like they have plenty of time together so you’re not withholding your DC from having a relationship. You shouldn’t feel guilty as you’re giving them everything they need to form a wonderful relationship. To be honest, the relationship they have is not about 1:1 time away from you but how much effort your MIL puts in when you are together. My parents see my son a lot less than my in-laws but he adores them because they totally enter his world when they are together.

It’s hard but it’s time to gently say that you’ll let her know as soon as you start doing solo time. You just have to say it and then it’s done!

Ultimately it's your child op, not a library book to send out on loan.

It's lovely to have close relationships with grandparents, but most grandparents don't require weekly rights of exclusivity to forge strong bonds.

Exactly this

If I didn’t have to go back to work when DS was one, I know I wouldn’t have done it either. I also didn’t want or need a break from him and going to work broke my heart. BUT… years down the line I’m so glad for those days he spent with his grandmothers as baby/toddler. They have such a close bond now and you can’t have too much love in your life. Wait until you’re ready though, there’s no rush.

Not rubbish at all. Not taking care of the mother after childbirth, especially after a traumatic one, leads to PPD and other health problems. Bad outcomes for mothers often lead to bad outcomes for newborns.

Who hurt you?

Exactly this.

Would you let your own mum have him 1:1 for the day (assuming you have a mum, and aren’t low/no contact - my apologies if I’ve assumed incorrectly and this isn’t relevant)? If so, MIL shouldn’t really be treated differently - your DP might have had past issues with your mum AKA his MIL but not stood in the way of her relationship with your DC. I know it’s different when it’s not your own mum.

I do think grandparents enjoy having 1:1 time because it is nice to feel like you’re not being watched, and - yes - to a certain extent it is like reliving parenting again in as much as it’s a lovely reminder of those days (and all the best bits, like none of the costs, sleepless nights, close relationship worries, working etc that you have when your own are little). I think it’s unusual for a grandparent to actually believe they are the parent again. Most genuinely aren’t trying to overstep - they love your child just as they love their own and want to care for and help out.

It can be a really beneficial relationship for all generations. Would you feel comfortable with a compromise of a few hours and build up to longer if it works well? You might find when you get used to it that a few hours to yourself is lovely

But irrelevant as that didn't happen and the child is over a year old

Absolutely, but that doesn’t mean that mum has to be exiled because her MiL has decided that she wants the village to herself for the day.

I was talking about when we were together and our DC was very young, not after we separated.

YANBU. Just because she wants it, that doesn’t mean she has to have it. Tell her you have friends at the sessions you take him to, and don’t want to miss going.

However, I would compromise by asking her to look after him for a few hours once a week, perhaps in between naps. It’s good for him to have a good relationship with her and could be very useful in an emergency or if you were ill.

I certainly wouldn’t allow any overnight stays at the moment - it would be purely for her benefit, not his, and he is not a toy.

Yes I understood that

Not irrelevant. The fact that it is possible makes it relevant because that level of cruelty to a new mother is something to be avoided. Especially if it's the MIL's own new grandchild. Moreover, it might not have been something OP chose to mention, and it happened anyway.

Can't stand to be wrong?

I’ve never understood people who seek to see a baby away from its mother or father. It’s so strange. And a red flag imo.

shes defo trying to cut you out - trust your instincts

Peak Mumsnet. Along with 'trying to get custody' and 'baby's mother being exiled' and 'a red flag'.

Meanwhile, in real life, most little ones are having a lovely time with unadulterated and unshared attention from a grown up who loves them dearly.

Oh for Goodness sake, it is your child, not the grandmothers. She has no rights here. I wouldn't dream of demanding this from my daughter in law and I would think it odd if she requested it.