MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

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DS has just turned 1 and MIL has started asking if she can have him for the day on her own as she feels like she doesn’t get any quality time with him (we see her every 1-2 weeks) and to ‘give me a break’.

I’m not really sure how I feel about it - 1 feels very young for him to be doing this and MIL is v pushy so if I say yes once then she’ll constantly expect it and I know she’ll be pestering for sleepovers as well. I also love spending time with my little man and don’t need or want a break anyway!

DS still naps in his cot for hours at a time so it’s not like she can take him out for the day anyway so it will mean MIL taking him to one of his toddler classes which selfishly I really like doing with him. She looks after SILs children 3+ times a week so she gets to do all of that anyway albeit not with DS.

MIL took about a decade to accept me as part of the family as well so I do feel like this is her way of managing me out of the picture as well.

AIBU to not want her having DS on her own yet?

Why is it always paternal MIL that is the problem?????
Food for thought

I do agree - and always think that on most DIL threads.

However, I do think pushing to take a young child for a day without its parents is just off - whether it be maternal or paternal GM .

Oh wow lots of responses!

Just to clear a few things up, I’m absolutely not saying MIL isn’t allowed a relationship with DS (when she comes over, I take a step back and she gives him his tea, bath, changes nappies, reads his bedtime story etc).

But I do think it’s odd that she’s so keen to see him without me being there when he’s still a baby really - I would feel the same if it was my mum wanting it.

I know she was very put out that I wasn’t going back to work and I am concerned that she will push for weekly 1:1 time and then I may as well have gone back to work anyway! I also don’t trust that she would respect my routine etc as I parent very differently to SIL and there’s been eye rolling & snide comments about it.

I’ve taken on board everyone comments and of course having a boy myself means I am mindful to make sure MiL is included but I think it needs to happen more naturally rather than her demanding it. I thimk I’ll put it off for now but the next time I’m having a haircut or something then I will see if MIL would like to look after DS.

@RubySquid I assume there was much more going on there as DH is now an ex.

Sometimes you do have to restrict GPs access. MIL was an absolute nightmare when DS was born. She hated me having any time with him if she was around, would cry if we visited another GP. Her hatred of me took over her life and she couldn't see things clearly, so when we found out DS had a milk allergy that was obviously me being controlling, as who had ever heard of a baby being allergic to dairy. It was me being ridiculous and over protective mother and obviously I was doing this for spite as we could never leaver her with DS alone as we couldn't trust her not to give DS milk. And DH was in full agreement that his mum was a nightmare.

Thank god she calmed down after a few years, and we all now have a good relationship, but my god those early years were tough

He may be an ex but he's still the child's father. She stated that he wasn't allowed to look after the child as he allowed MIL to see them when she wasn't there

Hahaha is she related to my MIL. Mine kept banging on about how she NEVER EVER left her kids with anyone, not even FIL. Then I got pregnant and she realised her mistake cos I was the exact same and enjoyed having my kids 24/7. She just would take my DC into her kitchen, or sit with her back to me with SIL, creating a huddle around my baby. Actually hilarious now but gave me PPD.

Sounds good. Trust your instincts - you sound like you’re really doing right - stepping back and letting her do stuff

do not let yourself be put under pressure - he’s your baby!!! She’s had her turn

I think it depends on what you think of how she lives her own life. Is she a stable reliable sort who was a loving parent to her own kids, then ya, I don't see why you couldn't give her to her for a day. They would get a chance to bond. If she is the sort that would keep her phone on and stay contactable. I had anxiety about leaving mine when they were small too

You would think!

He would watch TV and fall asleep on the sofa leaving his mum looking after DC.

She’d done a lot by that point, including taking over my baby shower and upsetting my friends. They’d planned things that they knew I would have loved. She changed the theme, colours, venue to what she wanted it to be. She was rude to people that she wasn’t happy had been invited.

She turned up to the birth after being asked not to, refused to go home/go away from outside the room, kept a running commentary on Facebook of my 20 hours of labour/emergency surgery and then announced when DC arrived. She was in the SCBU holding my baby before I got out of recovery.

She would cry because I wouldn’t wean at 3 months, when I didn’t want to go to baby groups, because I wanted Christmas at home (even though she was invited) as I was still recovering, because I didn’t dress DC in outfits she got whenever she came round.

I’d made it clear that she was being rude and disrespectful. I was very unwell from a traumatic birth, she exasperated it and he allowed her to. In the end I couldn’t trust him either so just took DC everywhere with me instead.

No this sounds absolutely ridiculous. Truly ridiculous. What do you think a MIL is trying to do? Get custody? In nearly all cases she just wants time with her GS where she's the first port of call & when DGS goes up she'll tidy the shitpit he's made of her house & she'll treasure the peace, quiet & cup of hot tea rather than the tepid, snatched ones you have when the grandkids are round.

And then she'll look forward to the next time.

& why is it always MIL? My dad is just as keen to have all the grandkids (7 in total over a period of 20yrs) round every week as my mum is. Family means the world to him!

Last week they even looked after their 2yo GREAT grandson for the evening 🤯

Give over with this creepy implication that's something nefarious going on, it's bizarre!

What did she actually do that was harmful to your DC

OMG yes - Why the fuck do they do that? Mine used to walk off in restaurants too so I couldn’t see her.

Did you read anything she wrote?!

Yes. Mostly stuff that passed her off. Didn't see that she actually did anything dangerous to the child. Perhaps you'd like to enlighten me if ive missed it

As a Step MIL can I give my take?

I never ever ever wanted children

I met a man who had a 2 and 3 year old , they lived 500 miles away so my only interaction was holidays - where they would spent a week or two with us - they have only ever known me and their dad together

So now I have 3 grandchildren - 4 to 19 - same parent - 2 fathers - me and granddad have been their constant

DGC 1 - I raised for the first two years of his life - never in my life having had a child of that age in my care in my life before

I made mistakes

But I love that child and I wouldn't put any child in harms way

DGC2 , DH wouldn't have them with us over night till they were 2 - because of the way they had been bought up and our age - we were a lot older and coping with a toddler was looking to be too much - and it was hard the first few times we had over nighters

DG3 we have over night since aged 2 - because we have DGC 2 stay as well

Our grandchildren love coming to us, well the 19 year old has backed off a bit as he is working, has, a GF etc

We offer a different experience to what they have as "normal" and some things we might clash on but mostly the children are happy to accept the rules - meals at tables , some sort of fruit or veg has to be eaten, bed time is bedtime and tablets are taken away

We cherish the time we have together without the parents. There's no clash about what the rules are - they are here and its our rules, and we are perhaps a bit stricter then their parents , but there's not a lot of kick back

Your MIL can actually bring a lot to a childs development so dont say forever it's not happening. Yes I was knackered having to put the needs of a small child baby before my own, but it came natural - even as a non birth mother

Your MIL will look after that child if it was the most precious possion - which it is

I do see this sort of behaviour quite a lot and think it is probably less intended as a wind-up than it might seem.

I think it makes the adult feel more comfortable because babies make it very obvious if they are unhappy with someone - and often babies DO prefer to be with mum. I think the adult wants to bond, but they find it hard to relax if they feel the baby's reaction is being observed and will be noted by onlookers if it cries, reaches for mum etc.

I think this lies behind wanting to take the parents away and is twofold: the reaction is not observed by others, and also the mother isn't nearby to distract the baby.

From that comes the idea that it helps the bond to develop, but in reality it is really just making the adult feel less awkward and overlooked. I'm not sure the child actually bonds any faster.

Interfering with the mother's recovery after childbirth IS harming the DC.

Exactly the same experience for me hahahahahahaha. Everyone says oh its always dils complaining about mils. I let my mum and mil have the exact same time and ... freedom? I dont know the right word but yes mum and mil are both handed baby as soon as I see them, im relaxed and will catch up on my phone/emails, pop the tv on, make myself a cuppa yet why does my mum never feel the urge to go into the kitchen and close the door with my DC lol. Also supermarkets,we would go together sometimes and MIL would just WALK OFF and I wasn't able to find her in and baby in a larger one so would have to go checkout and wait at the exit !!

Do you think her MIL's behaviour was normal? Do you think having a GC that behaves like that fosters a healthy environment for a child?

Is that you Maureen?

Rubbish

No idea who Maureen is

One day you’ll be the mother in law to your son’s partner. What will you hope for?

It isn’t rubbish

what planet are you on!!!!

I think go with your instincts OP

shes defo trying to cut you out - trust your instincts

and to other posters - MIL sees baby every week and gets to change etc so no lack of contact