MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

[Hideousfrump]

DS has just turned 1 and MIL has started asking if she can have him for the day on her own as she feels like she doesn’t get any quality time with him (we see her every 1-2 weeks) and to ‘give me a break’.

I’m not really sure how I feel about it - 1 feels very young for him to be doing this and MIL is v pushy so if I say yes once then she’ll constantly expect it and I know she’ll be pestering for sleepovers as well. I also love spending time with my little man and don’t need or want a break anyway!

DS still naps in his cot for hours at a time so it’s not like she can take him out for the day anyway so it will mean MIL taking him to one of his toddler classes which selfishly I really like doing with him. She looks after SILs children 3+ times a week so she gets to do all of that anyway albeit not with DS.

MIL took about a decade to accept me as part of the family as well so I do feel like this is her way of managing me out of the picture as well.

AIBU to not want her having DS on her own yet?

Couldn't be arsed to read past the silly first couple of lines.

Hyperbole is a sign of a weak argument. Nobody has called the woman "evil". Presumably OP will be pleasant and friendly to her own future DIL, thus avoiding any of the unpleasantness that these "evil MILs" create and attract with their behaviour.

MIL is v pushy so if I say yes once then she’ll constantly expect it and I know she’ll be pestering for sleepovers as well.

She wants a day with him regularly without the parents there. She feels she doesn't get enough time with OP's child.

That's a de facto custody day. I call it what it is. She wants him in her charge with no bio parent around. Of course that's about playing parent. OP knows she'll be pushing more and more and even for sleepovers.

She can take a seat. She had her turn.

Adding, I call it a custody day to help point out how unreasonable her asking this could be seen, especially as she's pushy according to OP.

Only on MN is there this huge push by grandparents to have 1 on 1 and sleepovers from a really young age.

I wasn't in a rush to be away from my first child when very small, so wouldn't have been interested, particularly not with someone who took 10 years to tolerate me and will likely badger you for more.

Best say thanks, but no thanks.

Honestly, the interaction between me and each of my DGDs is SO different without their parents. When we come together as a family, of course they look to their parent (or their auntie and uncle!) a lot of the time. But when it's just them and me, the chat, the interaction, the playing together is entirely different and we're so focused on each other.

I consider myself really lucky to have had the opportunity for regular one on one time, and sleepovers at my house with the DGDs, just us.

When the littlest DGD had an emergency admission to hospital for nearly a week, with her parents at her side, the older one (just about 4) came to me, and her familiarity with grandma days and sleepovers made the whole thing far less stressful for her. And if course she'd stayed with me similarly when her mum gave birth to her little sister in hospital.

So yes, not only is it lovely for grandma, you're setting up a situation where your child is comfortable and confident being looked after by a grandparent in a 'second home'.

Unless there's something going wrong, the child should be entitled to a relationship with wider family. The OP could decide that she isn't allowed 1:1 but hopefully her DH would overrule that.
As long as you are going to be a constant support of what your DC want and need. My Dad took against my GM, because of that I didn't have the support system or financial help my half sister had. I didn't have the relationship with my cousins she had/has. My Dad died when I was 16, I'd lost my paternal GP's, so unlike my sister, I was pretty much alone in my grief. It's cruel to cut a child out of a family, when a MIL does it she's a bitch, when the Mother does it, it's her choice and fine.

It's very different when you're there to when grandparents have them alone. They bond so much more.
If you trust her, I'd let her. How is she with the other grandkids?
It would be really sad for the other kids have the built a great relationship with her, but your child has not be allowed to do so, unless there is good reason to.
Be happy she wants to be involved!

Absolutely say no if you have any reservations even if it’s just you don’t want time away from him. He’s your baby, MIL has had her time, and at 1 he’s still so young. If it’s helpful for you and something you want then great but no way would I want to do that yet and my son is nearly 2, I love my mum and mil but I just don’t see the need for him going off for a day without me. I would at a push do a couple of hours with my mum now he’s older but wouldn’t have at 1. She can bond with him when you are seeing her every week which is plenty, and she has years when he’s older and will actual want to go to her to do fun things with granny.

More inhibited?!

You haven't met my grandkids. They are super comfortable at my house, send absolutely confident in being themselves and making their needs known. We have a ball.

But kids are never going to reach that point if they don't regularly spend time with their grandparent, alone. And waiting until there's a family emergency for a child having to go and stay at Grandma's, is a really bad idea

No! And your husband can deliver the message- his parent his problem

When my GC arrived I didn't expect one to one time while they were small. With my DD's DS I was asked if I would have him from time to time as they had work and house issues to deal with. I loved it and was more than happy to have him whenever they needed to. When my DS's children arrived it was very clear that they did not want or need grandparents to have them in that way.

In both cases it was their choice and I was absolutely fine with it.

For the record we now have lovely relationships with both sets of GC.

One to one should be at the need or discretion of the parents not the needs or wishes of the grandparents

I'm a grandmother, just say no if you don't feel comfortable with what she's proposing, she sounds pushy. It's not about what she wants, it's about how you feel about the situation and whether you think that your child is ready for a whole day apart from you, maybe a few hours would be more appropriate, but only if you're agreeable, go with your gut feeling. She should not be trying to usurp your position as a mother, she's had her crack of the whip at being a mother.

My mum had my DC regularly from around a year old, including overnight stays. It's one of the joys of parenthood for me to see the bond between them and know that my children are so comfortable with her and in her home. DD quite regularly tells me she loves Grandma more than me, I feel no bitterness or jealousy at that as I'm secure in our own relationship and am just really happy that they get to make so many lovely memories together. It's also come in super handy as she provides free childcare while I work and has been able to step in for many emergencies without DC batting an eye.

I suspect it's the IL bit that is the difference? My MIL was never in a position to provide childcare so I never had to deal with it. I suspect I would have felt a bit differently about it which is probably natural - but I would ask myself how I would like my DS's future hypothetical partner to treat me and have tried my best to act accordingly.

Where has anyone said about cutting her out? She spends time with her every 1-2 weeks! A lot of mental gymnastics going on here...

Depends what shes like OP. My in laws hate my children showing me any affection or being close to me etc it makes them angry haha. so I still dont send them over alone etc. If they weren't so weird I probably would.

So the child gets to miss out due to the parents issues?

I think people forget your DC has a father too and therefore 2 people who can make a decision. It never ceases to amaze me that so many on MN think it is only the child’s mother who gets a say in what happens.

@Hideousfrump what does your DH say? Does he want her too have some time alone with his DS?

@Fargo79 If it helps, the Evil MIL is a MN trope. For every thread complaining about a mother, there are 20 about entitled, overbearing, selfish, unsympathetic, mean, greedy and downright dangerous MsIL If the history of mankind was written by DsIL, Bloody Mary, Typhoid Mary and Lucrezia Borgia would be the MIL, and the DsIL would be Mother Theresa, Princess Diana and Grace Darling.

The truth is that these two adult women ought to establish the family relationship that best meets the needs and interests if the child. And just maybe that means putting their mutual dislike to one side. Almost certainly the MIL should have been more welcoming 10 years ago, but now is not the time to hold a grudge. A child's love isn't a limited resource that has to be rationed. Having a close relationship with Granny doesn't take anything from Mummy.

Some grandparents just love spending time with their grandchildren, I would encourage it as long as she loving a caring towards him. My parents are amazing grandparents to all of their grandchildren and our children absolutely love the time they spend with them (tea after school twice a week while me and my sister work, and on the odd ‘special occasions’ a sleepover. My MIL is a different story, she makes no effort with them whatsoever, so they have no bond with her! Which is sad and I think she regrets it now that they are teenagers!
having the grandkids keeps my parents active and gives them purpose too. & I know for a fact that one day, when I have grandchildren, I’ll want to have an active role in their lives and in helping out my son and daughter an their parents.
at the end of the day though it is your choice and if you feel it’s too early for him, she should respect your decision.

YADNBU! You don’t want the help or any time away from your DS and that’s understandable and perfectly fine. Your DS would also miss out on classes and you feel he might be a bit unsettled. This is all perfectly reasonable.

Just thank her for the offer and say you’re fine and enjoy spending time with your son. If she pushes, just say you’re fine and feel he’s a bit young and maybe you’ll feel different when he’s a few years older.

Yes, the op's post has been twisted.

The GM is getting time, just not on her specified terms.

This was an interesting post because I just asked DH what he would think if a GP asked to spend time alone with our dc.

His answer: "What's wrong with the parents being there if they choose to be? That'd make me uncomfortable."

I didn't get on particularly well with my MIL, and our boy was adopted at 3.

But they doted on each other and sadly she is no longer with us, he was about 15 when she died. He remembers with much fondness the time he spent with his nanny. She used to collect him from nursery and then from school one afternoon a week, and give him some dinner.

We kept to this arrangement through the school holidays as well, unless there was something else that couldn't be moved.

To know there was one day in the week when neither of us had to be at the school gate at 3.00 was great. We often went for a nice long lunch and a mooch round town on those afternoons 🤩. We didn't do "date night" but definitely did "date afternoons"

I didn't get on with her that well, and there were things that she did that weren't my way of doing things, but there is no way I would have wanted to have deprived DS of that relationship and those lovely memories.

Having said that, you need to do it your pace, so decide how you want it to look like in the future, and start to work towards it.

Not all grandparents are like this though, unfortunately. I have similar memories and wanted the same for my kids.

But ours doesn't have unsupervised time with DH's parents because she doesn't particularly like seeing them, they don't make her feel good (even when we're there) and we both feel like we need to be around to end the visit if their behaviour makes her uncomfortable. Neither of us are happy with the situation, we thought they'd be great as grandparents, but sadly not everyone is.

Obviously OP has given no indication that MIL is problematic, just that she doesn't feel comfortable with the 1:1 time yet.

My MiL was super pushy for this (amongst many, many other things). I wasn’t ready and there was no respect for that.

Gave me lots of lectures (and tears) about my DC needing to get used to spending time without me. One day she slipped up when she accidentally confessed that she’d never left any of her kids with anyone until she had to when they started school.

She resorted to sneaking around for “alone time” with her precious son and DC when I popped out. I then doubled down and never left DC with him either.

Eventually, I sent him back to her and lived happily ever after.

Why wouldn't you leave your DH with HIS OWN SON? Surely he gets an input