Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

[Artien]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years, we have 3 children, 2 daughters who are 31 and 27 and a son who is 29.
This week my lovely son and his girlfriend took me away for 6 nights, my husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.
I’ve had the mostly lovely time, we went to some museums, had wonderful meals, spoke to new people in pubs, spent one night in an Airbnb just playing chess. There was no plan, just a hotel or Airbnb booked for each night and the freedom to do what we wished in the day. My husband would never have a holiday like this, he is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan with a departure time, restaurants pre-booked, there is just no spontaneity. He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub. My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears (my husband hates crop tops, short shorts, short skirts etc.)

Now I am home, and as always it’s straight back to routine. I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it “awful”. I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is to have to live without any spontaneity, the same routine on constant repeat always. I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing.

So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”.

Exactly. It doesnt matter - if the OP is deeply unhappy then she is deeply unhappy. She doesnt have to sacrifice herself because of it.

Also, I know quite a few men who have become like this as they age, they cant all have ASD.

I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable to question your marriage but I don’t think you’re at the leave your marriage stage and all that entails, it sounds like you just want a more excitement and fun. Obviously it’s important to try and talk about it but that’s not always easy. How about slowly introducing small changes to get out of the rut? See how it goes, then perhaps put a time on it. Eg in three months think back, is anything changing etc, then if nothing is changing, reconsider your options?

Sometimes marriage is like the frog in the pot isn’t it? And your week away let you hop out of the pot for a bit and now you realise how uncomfortable that water is.

If you aren’t happy then leave. It does sound utterly stifling

Can you do your own thing a bit more? Listen to the music you want, go to bed when you want, have regular holidays without him? Divorcing seems a bit drastic. Is there nothing about him that you like? If he knew how you feel, would he bend a bit?

By that time you have made friend groups.

I think it is easier to make friends in London if that is what you want than it is to make friends anywhere else (lived in many places in the uk)

Go. Go. Go!
And don't look back.

Having lived in London for a very long time, people are generally not friendly and keep themselves to themselves especially when out and about. So it would surprise me if you managed to speak naturally with anyone in pubs etc in London like you did on your trip elsewhere. And if you did, it is extremely hard to convert such conversations to actual friendships.

London is fantastic for short trips, but living there is entirely different. I found it incredibly difficult to make friends there and the friends i did make was through work and then built on those outside of work. If you are working remotely, I think you would struggle. On the other hand, i have moved away to a different city and been able to make friends much easier as people are more friendly and open to friendships.

Bloody hell the replies telling you to jump shop after a fun weekend away are insane.

You love your husband (I think), you're both committed to each other etc, there is more to consider beyond how the pensions are divided.

OP start getting out and about on your own. You can sign up for dance classes, book weekends away, catch up with friends alone.

If in a year's time you realise you have an increasing sense of dread everytime you're returning then certainly leave him.

Being happy is your own responsibility. You are two separate people and you have 50% input into how your marriage is conducted.

I think you need to consider this as the start of a new phase in your life. Your children are grown, you’re on the ramp to retirement, you may have another 20 or so healthy years left. How do you want to spend those? What do you want to do? Is that the same as him, and if not can you happily do things separately and see each other when it suits you? You can’t expect every day to be like a holiday, but if you’ve worked hard for a comfortable retirement you deserve to decide for yourself what that looks like. If you really feel you’d be happier alone in a flat in London doing theatres, joining clubs, travelling ect then go for it. You don’t owe him your happiness. It doesn’t have to be acrimonious unless he makes it that way.

This is very dependent on where you live, I live in an area of London which is like a village, you cannot walk 100 yards without meeting someone you know, everyone is on first name terms with all the shopkeeper/cafe & restaurant owners etc. There are loads of social events for all ages and you can meet and socialise with as many or few people as you want. I would research and choose your area carefully

Your husband is very set in his ways/old fashioned it seems, and people do change as they get older. Does he have any health issues as that can stop people living life as they have previously?

He sounds a bit like my dad was in that he never really participated in family time, my mum took me to museums, shows, etc and he never came.It was more relaxing when he wasn't around (he's been dead a long time now!) as he put me on edge. My mum said he wasn't 'like that' when they got married.

What if you just did some things separate from him like meet friends/go to galleries, etc. Upping sticks to London is quite dramatic, I assume your DCs have their own lives/families so it won't be a case of being with them 24/7 and unless you have a lot of friends there it may be lonely.

DH does stuff without me, mainly sports things, but we do a lot of things together as well. I think that is healthy, ,but it's not healthy to do everything separately really.

I would definintely talk to him though, say you are not happy and are going to do X, Y and Z and see what he says. Maybe he will agree to a separation but you def need that conversation.

It's very common to go on holiday and think I wish I lived here! Especially if your son and his partner are on holiday with you, so you are all relaxed and just mooching around instead of the daily grind.

If you did move to London, your DCs would be working so you'd spend a lot of time on your own. Are you OK with that? Presumably you have friends and other commitments where you currently live, which you'd need to leave behind.

That said, you haven't really said anything positive about your DH. Does he make you laugh / do you feel like a partnership / can you trust him to look after you when you're ill? It sounds like you're not short of money so I think you should be honest with him: you feel your lives have become too predictable and you'd like to spread your wings a bit. How about the two of you rent a flat in London for a trial run of 3 months and see how it goes? Either he will embrace the change and the two of you have a great time together. Or he won't, in which case you'll have a big decision to make.

so he tells people what to wear? forget the rest thatd controlling-no wonder you kids dont want to be around him

@OldieButBaddie I live in quite a nice part of London too but it's def not like that!! I do sometimes see people out and about that I know but def not on first name terms with shopkeepers! Agree you would need to chose your area carefully, you can go 2 miles up the road and it's a totally different scenario!

Maybe just start doing more of what you want to do, and see if you feel better.

You don’t have to live your life the exact same way he wants to live his, just because you’re married to him.

Speaking as a guy probably similar age to this man, the behaviour described sounds extremely controlling in that things have to be done in his very specific way and it doesn't sound like there's any flexibility. Also the control around showing affection, clothing choices. He sounds awful.

On the face of it it seems obvious .Ditch the frightful old bore ,Set up an exciting new life ,flat .friends, new life in London.Sometimes it can look greener on the other side of the fence! DC ,even if grown up and independent can still be affected by a break up.Quite often friends are not often as avaliable as you would like .Its just to weigh things up really before you jump ship.

Which part? Genuine interest.

I agree with this. Living with someone controlling and miserable sucks the energy and joy out of life. It makes it harder to make your own life. It's difficult to explain but they take up all the space with their complaints and disapproval.

I don't think a halfway house would work for you or you would have done it already OP. Don't be dissuaded and listen to your heart.

Is it possible he has anxiety or is ND in some way? Not that that should impact on whether you want to stay married to him, but I wonder if there could be a root cause to the change you have seen in him?

I ask about anxiety/ND as my DH needs routine and predictability, he also has crippling anxiety, and is definitely (undiagnosed) ND, and for him the two are very much linked. He needs to control variables to help with his anxiety. It can be difficult to live with at times as I am a somewhat chaotic person and useless at sticking to a schedule or making a plan. He would also find talking to strangers difficult (I love stuff like that) because his anxiety is triggered by social situations and he needs to get to know people before he feels able to open up. He doesn't see the point in "small talk", etc. its just how he is. He can do it, but he doesn't enjoy it (luckily I talk enough for both of us).

I sometimes feel as you do, about finding the need for "a plan" suffocating. I recently went away with a couple of friends for a long weekend and had a similar revelation about how free I felt. We did plenty and saw lots, but it was all spontaneous and lovely, I felt so much more relaxed.

However in other ways my DH is open-minded, kind, funny and fun to be around... and he certainly wouldn't make me turn music off or the other things you describe, like policing clothing or affection.

Thank you. It's amazing how many people can read words the OP typed, yet understand something else - something closer to their own experience, perhaps? They seem fixated on preserving a stranger's marriage to a very unpleasant-sounding man. It's odd.

Living on your own can be lonely, especially as you get older and may need some mutual support. If you still basically love/like your husband, I would aim for a compromise. You're not joined at the hip. Have a discussion with him, explaining where you're coming from. If he trusts you and is reasonably happy with his own company, he may not have much of a problem with you going out several times a week, having weekends away with friends, going on holidays on your own or with your children, etc. You could use a spare room in your house as your "snug", listening to music you like, watching TV you like, etc. And you could have agreed days / evenings that you spend with him, doing things that he is happy to do.

As a lifelong Londoner I fundamentally disagree with this. It’s a very sociable city and the sheer volume of people means you should be able to find like-minded friends.

You do need to put yourself out there though - museums, concerts, lectures, classes, societies, walks, volunteering etc. But OP has her kids which will help.

Yes, that stood out to me as well. It's incredibly strange and inappropriate to police what another adult is wearing, unless there is some missing context (e.g. something daft like turning up for a 10 mile hike in heels!). But that doesn't sound like it's the case here.

OP, he sounds very rigid. There's nothing wrong with liking routine and being a homebody (that's me!). But it does become a problem when it tips over into overbearing rigidity, and refusal to compromise or to ever try anything new or spontaneous.

Have you challenged your H on his thinking? For example, why he thinks it's appropriate for him to try and control another adult's clothing choices?