Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

[Artien]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years, we have 3 children, 2 daughters who are 31 and 27 and a son who is 29.
This week my lovely son and his girlfriend took me away for 6 nights, my husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.
I’ve had the mostly lovely time, we went to some museums, had wonderful meals, spoke to new people in pubs, spent one night in an Airbnb just playing chess. There was no plan, just a hotel or Airbnb booked for each night and the freedom to do what we wished in the day. My husband would never have a holiday like this, he is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan with a departure time, restaurants pre-booked, there is just no spontaneity. He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub. My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears (my husband hates crop tops, short shorts, short skirts etc.)

Now I am home, and as always it’s straight back to routine. I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it “awful”. I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is to have to live without any spontaneity, the same routine on constant repeat always. I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing.

So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”.

They can, if they want to. That doesn't necessarily mean they always should. Not all relationships are worth saving.

I certainly think the OP should have a very serious conversation with her husband, but I don't think the onus is on her to change or do the work to improve things. She is already being far more flexible than him by giving in to his rigid demands. He is the one who needs to bend here. Currently, everything has been the way he wants things, right down to the music she's allowed to listen to.

The OP's children are adults, the youngest being 29. She doesn't need to stay with her husband for them. In fact, her son actually told her on their trip away that he preferred seeing her without his father there because his father literally makes him feel uncomfortable with his weird attitude to his partner and their relationship.

Unless you know OP intimately, you're talking out of your backside based on a bias snapshot.

My adult DC and GDC live in London and I love visiting them but I wouldn’t live there permanently for a million pounds. Unless you have a really good income, it’s bloody expensive to spend lots of time visiting places and buying food out.

After a visit, I really enjoy the journey back home to nowhere’s ville and seeing all my friends.

I can understand the fun of doing things spontaneously but what’s really stopping you doing that now, by yourself?

Do you not have a vibrant busy friendship group where you live currently?
If not, why not?

Maybe take a month or two and book an Airbnb in London to see how you get on? Although I’m not sure simply changing your location is really the solution. 🤔

before upending everything, maybe take a short term let up in london for 3 months and try it out. invite DH or dont.

do it through the colder months rather than than summer as summer is too fun and everyone's up for an outing. try in the colder boring months, january etc

So? He’s obstinate, inflexible and controlling. The length of the marriage is irrelevant.

Have you tried talking to him about it?

It seems very sudden to go from "I'm happy in this marriage" to contemplating divorce without even having a discussion with him to let him know how stifling you're finding things and giving him the opportunity to change.

It depends where you live but London isn’t more expensive than other places in the SE. And you don’t have to eat out if you need to live frugally. There are so many amazing food shops - delis, patisseries, Thai, Korean, Japanese, French, Polish, Turkish supermarkets etc - you can eat very wide range of food that you just can’t get outside London without even going to restaurants.

Ok, not every ‘single’ aspect of life *eye rolls, but a hell of a lot more than a couple of things which can be changed easily if she gains a bit more independence. She doesn’t say anything about not loving her husband, and throwing everything away without even trying is rash behaviour. No, I’m not unusual. On talking to many people about my situation, I’ve come to believe working on a relationship and having compassion for my partner of 30yrs and seeing him struggle and wanting to help is a good thing and a normal thing to do. I’m not saying ‘give up the dream’, I’m saying remembering what brought you together and hoping to rekindle it all with some hard work and faith, is the first port of call, surely! Having a good dependable man with all that brings isn’t a thing that should be thrown away on a whim of a week.

And what’s she going to say? Hi, how would you feel about changing your whole personality?

I have lots of friends in London and I have a grumpy husband also but kids at home. My new years resolution is going to be to have a weekend in London and see my friends or just mooch about at least every 2 months but maybe more. If you book a budget hotel room ahead they have free cancellations etc. You could try that and if that's not enough you can think again about separating and just buying a little flat in London.

Such a tedious stereotype of that PP to assume most saying “LTB” are single or miserable (which is one and the same in their eyes I am sure).

If everyone took this illogical approach to marriage, the divorce rate would be 100%.

Well, yeah. Maybe not in a one liner like that, but

"I've realised that I'm feeling very stifled in our marriage, we have no spontaneity, no excitement. I'm honestly questioning whether I want to remain married. I'd like to try and work on this with you, if you're willing, but I understand that it's me that wants change, not you, so if you'd rather we discuss separation, then that's on the table too."

Whatever she says is going to blindside him, but in theory, she's loved this man for decades. He's not cheated, he's not done anything "wrong" as such, why not at least see if he's willing to try and salvage the relationship.

Take a break.

Week staying with one child, a week or even two in rented accommodation on your own.
Repeat Three times..once for each child.
That will give you chance to see if the grass is greener.
On your own.
In london.
And have a look at areas of london you might want to live in.

It will also give your husband the opportunity to see what his inflexible ways are going to cost him and what life on his own is going to be like.

It should give you a solid starting point to start considering life changes. A holiday with other attentive adults and non of the mundanity of everyday life has obviously been enlightening, but its not, sadly real life. Its more a holiday romance with a different lifestyle.

I do think it's asking for trouble if he's already this closed-minded.

The very idea of having to play his music over and over would drive me absolutely nuts, and it's just a sign of more entrenchment that will inevitably happen as he gets older.

I think it sounds very stifling, but if you have only just noticed this I would give it a bit of time and try and work out what you can and can't bear. I totally agree with the idea of spending more time in London, and I think a conversation along the lines of "the week I had away made me realise I need more new experiences and to have a bit of me time, so I am going to start going up to London more to see the children and to visit some galleries, go and see some live music (add in whatever you will do) and live a little. It would be great if you would join me but I understand it might not be your cup of tea" and then relate to him all the great things you have been doing and see if he comes around.

If not, that would be the time to be having the conversation about splitting up I think. You may find that doing just that is enough, or you may feel that you really want it full time! I would suggest getting a regular Air bnb in an area you might want to live in as a hotel is not real life IYKWIM.

Can you start the process of 'decoupling' and see how it goes? So you make time to do those things you want on your own - whether it's shows, exhibitions, joining a group whatever. And then see where that leads you. I'm sure London isn't the only place with all that stuff available. You could also buy yourself a decent pair of headphones so you can listen to music as you chill at home.

In my first post on the thread I asked if he’d consider moving to London together. She could live the independent life she’d like, see her kids etc, and he could go on in his narrow groove. That way they could stay together.

However, it’s not very likely that he’d agree to it. And presumably she’s pondering moving alone as she knows this. Equally, it wouldn’t end the stifling straitjacket - which she may want out of it completely.

I think this is less straightforward than some replies would suggest. To break up an almost 40 year relationship over a week's holiday does seem a bit extreme. There is usually a bit of a comedown and sense of feeling unsettled after a really nice holiday and the former day to day can suddenly seem very wanting and dull.

Could you first try living more seperate lives? Holidays on your own, turning a bit of your home into a second living room just for you, having your own bedroom?That would give you the chance of new experiences and more freedom day to day to listen to whatever music you like in your own designated space and to keep your own bedtime hours etc?

Having said all of that if you know in your heart that wouldn't be enough for you then you seem to be in an excellent position to strike out on your own. I would however urge a note of caution about assuming how involved your children would want to be in your new life. They have all carved lives for themselves and may not want to have you more omnipresent, however well you get on.

My own experience is that for decades I had wanted to relocate to the Hebrides from a Scottish city. My husband was turning into Victor Meldrew as he aged and was starting to wear me down as I am still fairly lively and positive in my early 60s. Our marriage was in serious difficulties when I got the chance to take over a cottage in an area I love. I jumped at this chance and for the last 5 years I've been living on my own in the middle of nowhere and living my best life. We sold the former family home and DH now lives somewhere much smaller which suits him much better. We talk every day on the phone and actually now spend more time communicating than when we lived together. We see each other every 6 weeks or so. I'm not sure if we will continue like this or go back to cohabiting once DH retires in 2 or 3 years. We get on quite well now we hardly see each other but it's nice to still have each other in our lives albeit in an unconventional sense.

At the end of the day only you know what might work for you OP. I am just thinking there may be options other than a full spilt that you could try first if you still love your husband.

Sounds like my dad! But if it were me, I’d not divorce but communicate. Marriage is bloody hard work and people (including myself!) can be bloody pains in the arse to live with. In order to deepen together you must communicate. Also sounds a bit like he might have some kind of ND going on (again like my dad). V rigid. Part of loving him is telling him clearly how the time away made you feel. Free, exploring, trying new things, meeting new people. If you feel courage enough tell him it’s even made you question marriage, because you find so much life from all this new stuff. It sounds like you just need to make room for that in your life - book time away with your son and his GF. Book trips on your own. There’s a great version of your life where you are exploring all these things but invite your husband into it (rather than keep it separate) by just telling him all about it, what you love, what you’ve enjoyed. Bring both him and this part of you are into who you are rather than feeling a tension or needing to be all in one way and not the other. It’s ok to be both. He may see the wonder in it, he may not be capable of that way of thinking in his brain, but that’s ok. Command who you are and live authentically in that! Personally I believe when we marry we do make a commitment, and it’s worth respecting yourself and him enough that you just tell him all this stuff. Enjoy it. You sound v like my mum and the dynamic she has with my dad - the best holidays I’ve ever had are with her and I. My dad’s always been detached, but I love him. Now he’s nearing the end, and mellowing; but I’m so glad we have our own ways of being with him even though my mum and I are much more similar and like you! We always just listened to the wild music when he was out 😂 Keep life simple and love him and do what you love. Wishing you a life of fullness xxx

I think, as others have said, you should test this idea by staying with family or whatever for a while, weeks or even months. However, would your husband be concerned that you're having an affair if you do that? Could you have more regular visits to see your family on your own? Is your husband autistic? Mine almost certainly is- he likes to plan everything etc- and I'm terrible at planning/very spontaneous so we're actually very compatible.
I tend to see my family independently from my husband because he'll be working, or he just wants time at home to himself (which he loves but I find boring). We're in our thirties but I don't think either of us will change.
I can't imagine wanting to leave him because of this, is there something else wrong in your relationship?
I think if all it is is the lack of spontaneity, you can address your needs by spending more time with your family.
You should talk to your husband about all of this and how you feel. Don't just spring a separation on him, he probably thinks everything's fine!

My DH isn't as fond of some of the things I want to do - but he's 100% fine if I just go and do it, which I do anyway.

This seems sensible

I don't know if your husband does have underlying ASD or if he's just a grumpy, uninspiring person that's happy in routine and monotony. However, it's clear that you are fed up with the way your husband wants to live, and want more out of life (I can't say that I blame you!). I think a conversation with your husband is needed, if afterwards you can see that he's not willing to even meet you half way, then you have choices. 1. Divorce. 2. Stayed married, but have more or less separate lives where you do all the things you want. 3. Carry on as you are. Life is short, even if you decide not to divorce, don't allow your husband's narrow outlook on life suck the happiness and the ability to do things solo out of you. My husband has a friend, who's married and has an adult son. They literally do zero. If they do venture out it's within a 3 mile radius from the house - he hadn't been to a town less than 8 miles away for 30 years!!!! If I had their life, I'd be depressed. Life is for living, not sitting in and watching endless Netflix series!

Don’t want to sound cruel but if he does have ASD how does that change ops decision? Is she then obliged to sacrifice her remaining years because his behaviour is the result of a condition? The reason for his behaviour is irrelevant surely?