Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

[Artien]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years, we have 3 children, 2 daughters who are 31 and 27 and a son who is 29.
This week my lovely son and his girlfriend took me away for 6 nights, my husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.
I’ve had the mostly lovely time, we went to some museums, had wonderful meals, spoke to new people in pubs, spent one night in an Airbnb just playing chess. There was no plan, just a hotel or Airbnb booked for each night and the freedom to do what we wished in the day. My husband would never have a holiday like this, he is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan with a departure time, restaurants pre-booked, there is just no spontaneity. He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub. My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears (my husband hates crop tops, short shorts, short skirts etc.)

Now I am home, and as always it’s straight back to routine. I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it “awful”. I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is to have to live without any spontaneity, the same routine on constant repeat always. I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing.

So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”.

Yes, that stood out to me as well. It's incredibly strange and inappropriate to police what another adult is wearing, unless there is some missing context (e.g. something daft like turning up for a 10 mile hike in heels!). But that doesn't sound like it's the case here.

I thought the same- this is very clearly controlling, rather misogynistic behaviour and not an indicator of ND at all. Why is he policing what a young woman is wearing?- thats creepy AF to me- who on earth does he think he is?. Yuck.

This is true to some degree. I live in a similar area. But I’ve lived all over London and the shortcomings of a particular area can be mitigated by the wealth of activities available across the whole city.

If you compare mundane day to day life against a weeks holiday, it’s always going to look a bit glum, there’s a reason people tend to make life changing decisions following a holiday. If you leave your dh life probably won’t be one act of spontaneity after another as life admin, your pt job etc will get in the way. So I’d take stock and maybe have a week or two in an air bnb whilst working and see how you feel after that.

But your dh does sound stifling and that kind of behaviour will only get worse the older he gets. I’d not want to live with suc a right and ridged structure.

After a lifetime together, I think I would feel like I owed him a conversation about why I was unhappy and the changes I wanted to make. I’d probably suggest marriage counselling to try and rectify the issues or to split as amicably as possible. I really understand why you want to leave and I really think it would be best for you in the long term if he’s unwilling to change. I left a very unhappy marriage, I never thought I would be as happy as I am now. I got used to being on my own, I didn’t want to venture into another relationship as I always used to pick complete disasters and was really happy on my own. After doing loads of work on myself to ensure I picked a winner for a change, I ventured into online dating and have genuinely met my person. He is the kindest man alive, he has the same interests as me and brings me utter joy. If I was still with my ex-husband, I would be so desperately unhappy.

Yes and that won’t be an isolated case.

No. You've had a taste of what life could be like without the restrictions and dampening impact of his personality and behaviour. Its entirely reasonable that this has highlighted to you how much 'smaller' and less enjoyable your life is when you're living it around him.
Whether you should leave your marriage over it is a different matter. A long marriage is about more than how much you enjoy yourself with the person. You have to factor in any other value, support, financial stability, companionship outside of weekends away it brings. And importantly would you be better off alone? Do you have enough of a network to live a better life with? Or could you realistically build one?
Personally I'd take the middle ground if unsure, and gradually build a life outside of him while still with him. Do more things alone with DC or friends. Countless middle aged women with Hs like yours do this.

As someone who was born and bred in London and only moved away in my 40's, what's the point in living in London if everyone's just in your bloody face all the time? Just move to a cheaper village for that! The thing I like about London is that it is anonymous. I have my friends and family. I can't be bothered to make any more. The most annoying thing when I moved out of London ( although I'm used to it and like it now) is that everything takes so bloody long because you have to chat to people everywhere- at the bus stop- the bus driver you go into town and see about 5 people you know and have to stop and chat all the time... In London I can wander around, no one cares, no one knows you. They mind their own bloody business! I'm only half joking!

But Hons makes some good points. Perhaps put a bit more harshly than I would have but they are useful things to consider nonetheless.

OP sounds a bit like me when I was 20. I went to Paris for the first time and then decided it was the best city ever and I had to move there because the bars were cool and it was sooo lovely walking around and it would just be amazing to be here in the middle of all this amazing culture etc....

I did move there a short time later but the day to day reality of living there was a million miles from my 4 day holiday strolling around eating croissants and chilling. I was 20 and naive. OP is a good deal older and needs to think sensibly about what moving to an incredibly expensive city of almost 9 million at her time of life will actually entail.

Could you afford a flat in a nice area of London close to your children that has the lifestyle you want?

As a lifelong Londoner I wholeheartedly disagree.

Compared to other areas in the UK, Londoners are less friendly and more to themselves - in part, due to the huge volume of people.

Shirley Valentine springs to mind.

Well maybe perception of London depends on your personality as well as the areas you’ve lived. I’m outgoing and like meeting new people and making friends so I do and I always have.

I do choose to live in friendly areas though - there are some areas I’d avoid as I find them quite soulless.

I think you need to try and expand your life with DH before throwing away your marriage. Even if you move nearer your DC, they won’t necessarily be able to spend as much time with you as you might like.

Maybe start spending more weekends in London in an air b’n’b. Spend some time with DC & some time visiting museums etc on your own - or with DH if he’ll come.

Also expand your social life & hobbies at home. I feel there is capacity for getting more enjoyment out of your life without divorce being the first option.

Also disagree. Born and bred here and my friendships are primarily made up of childhood friends (although very few can still afford to live here), people I’ve met through work and I’m lucky enough to live on a lovely street with nice neighbours which might be because I now live further out now and no longer in central London.

It is very difficult to make lasting friendships through the activities you describe. Most people taking part in volunteering will already have embedded friendship circles. They will be friendly to a point and polite to OP but that’s it. You are also not going to make friends in London by going out for walks or popping into art galleries and museums. It’s just not that kind of city and anyway the vast majority of people OP will come across in those places will be tourists.

Her children can’t be expected to facilitate her social life.

could you go and do housing sitting in London to be nearer to your dc for periods of time, go on solo holidays, live your own life at home some more and leave your dh to his own routine?

You are also not going to make friends in London by going out for walks or popping into art galleries and museums. It’s just not that kind of city and anyway the vast majority of people OP will come across in those places will be tourists.
Her children can’t be expected to facilitate her social life

Agree with this. I adore London and have spent many an hour browsing museums and galleries, going to concerts or for long walks. I'm very social and have not met a single friend through this route (nor would I expect to!) as these are tourist heavy things to do. I dont know of a single person who met their best friend via bumping into them in a museum for example.

Friendships usually form based on proximity and time spent together which is why so many people make their friends at school/college or work.

I also dont think OP can expect her children to be arranging her social life for her- they will have their own lives to live and whilst they spent a lovely time together last week, that was specifically for a holiday.

And hence the reason many people outside London don't want miserable unsociable Londoners moving into our villages and towns without integrating

Have you tried talking to him?

I would take heed both of what you felt, and also what your son said.

Your DH has absolutely no right to be policing your son's GF's outfits. That's ridiculous.

If that's a serious relationship I'd be thinking you won't having many visits from them going forward - why would she have any interest in visiting a rude man who thinks he should judge her clothing ?

I have also known many national and international friends to leave London because so it is so hard to build a community here.

Yes you can "meet" lots of people. But you will struggle to make longterm meaningful connections. I've been here my whole life, I know this be true.

When you travel to other parts of the UK or the world, you feel the difference. A

If you're in the enviable position of being able to vastly improve the quality of your life I'd take the opportunity and run skipping off into the sunset. What are you waiting for? Life is far too short to live by someone else's restrictive rules and regulations. I highly doubt at this late stage that he's ever going to change.

Good luck! 🍀

You’ve listed lots of undeniable pros.
Here are some cons
London can be quite unfriendly, everyone is busy and most people are reluctant to chat to a stranger. When DGC come along your family may have less time for you. You could be quite lonely.
How will you feel if DH struggles on his own? He might need support and company and if you don’t give it this falls to the DC. Will you be ok if your DC tell you their DD isn’t doing so well and they are taking turns to visit him at the weekend - my scenario.
Similarly If you don’t support each other as you get older then your DC will shoulder more of the burden as time goes by.
There will be less money in the pot and less left for any care needs. Ditto inheritance.
If your desire for new experience outweighs these then move to London alone. If not tell DH you plan to take a trip to London every month to see DC and visit museums and he can stay home and do his hobbies.

From OP's OP:

"My husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.

"He is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan ... He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time.

"He won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over ... I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it awful.

"My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears.

"I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is.

"I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing."

I genuinely don't understand why over half of respondents can't see the picture the poor woman's describing here!

Again I think it depends on your personality. All you say about not being able to make friends via xyz means is false ime.

I’m not talking about going for a walk in a park - there are walking groups that organise trails either in historic/unknown/interesting bits of London you haven’t seen or in the counties around - we’ve met friends through that; we’re V&A & RA Friends - made friends in the members café; met friends through the local society for our area; through the local literary festival, the local music festival etc. None are tourists. Although they may not be British in origin.