Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

[Artien]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years, we have 3 children, 2 daughters who are 31 and 27 and a son who is 29.
This week my lovely son and his girlfriend took me away for 6 nights, my husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.
I’ve had the mostly lovely time, we went to some museums, had wonderful meals, spoke to new people in pubs, spent one night in an Airbnb just playing chess. There was no plan, just a hotel or Airbnb booked for each night and the freedom to do what we wished in the day. My husband would never have a holiday like this, he is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan with a departure time, restaurants pre-booked, there is just no spontaneity. He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub. My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears (my husband hates crop tops, short shorts, short skirts etc.)

Now I am home, and as always it’s straight back to routine. I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it “awful”. I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is to have to live without any spontaneity, the same routine on constant repeat always. I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing.

So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”.

I don't think you should make any rash decisions OP.
Far away fields do seem greener and I really think you owe it to your husband to have a frank and open conversation with him to tell him how you feel.
I must emphasise that you deserve to expand your horizons and seek new opportunities and you shouldn't be dragged back by your husband.
I can see both sides of the coin.
As a single parent, I saw how my friends and family shared parenthood and family life which is something I never had. Those same friends have remained married and seem content with the history and familiarity that a long marriage brings. Again, something that I will never have.
On the other side, I have 'embraced' singledom and have travelled alone, visited museums, joined pilates classes etc( anyone can do this).
I do have a partner and we don't live together.
OP, do you do things for yourself? Classes, walks, museums etc etc.
I have friends who have interests such as the above outside of their marriages whilst still married.
You say that you still love your husband and he is a good man, that is a biggie.
Take care OP

When DGC come along your family may have less time for you. You could be quite lonely.

This is where I have found the opposite, my dc and dgc spend more time with me now than before when they were working, I help with grandchildren and take them to stay and plays etc - meaning I have made new friends, get invited to children's parties with the dgc and have no time to be lonely!

This week I have two babysitting sessions in the afternoons Monday and Thursday, one activity with the baby on Thursday morning, an hour of babysitting on Wednesday. Each time I babysit dc want to spend time with me before or after or have a coffee at home etc

then an activity hobby with a friend on Tuesday, another hobby on Friday where I have made more friends. Sunday is hobby again and more friends. Then the outside club I go to I have made friends

Fortunately I have great hobbies which are sociable and get me outside and with other people - these could easily be transferred to other places if I were to move - I don't want to move as Im close to my dc and dgc

I do also travel/holdiay solo and go away if I can for 4 weeks in the spring. Through other circumstances I can't have 4 weeks next year - so looking at long weekends 3/4 days away, there is so much to see and do and lonely is different from being alone

I think OP needs to have a conversation with her dp about how they may want different things in life and what are the things that bind them together. What common interests do they have to keep their marriage afloat when they are together and could they live a life where one of them or both are doing their own thing separately for maybe a week or two at a time

I believe it’s true for you. It’s not for me and other posters on the thread.

I’ve lived in other countries, I’ve not noticed any significant difference. The only thing is that London is very big and you need to know it well. For people unused to big cities that can be intimidating.

I know several women of my parents generation where the man has died and the women are now leading their absolute best lives… free from living with a grumpy old bloke who won’t try anything new, won’t travel, doesn’t like change, disapproves of so much, falls out with the grown up children etc

I would leave him, in your shoes. I would leave him and get on with my life. At the very least I would schedule more trips, join a few social clubs and start getting out without him more.

‘When DGC come along your family may have less time for you. You could be quite lonely.’

it was the opposite for us. Having children meant we became a bit more family orientated if anything, less focus on work, less time to travel- and I don’t mean it was because we wanted babysitters! Both sets of parents live too far away for regular childminding but we very much include our parents, the grandparents, in our lives - spend holidays, Easter, Xmas with them, have them stay with us frequently etc.

Well, that also applies to your argument, as you've formed your own opinion based on exactly the same information as I have.

Unless you're about to reveal that you're the husband.

It's a massive leap from enjoying a week away to wanting to divorce. Especially as you say you still love him. Why don't you just start doing all the things you enjoyed on your break but from home? Go out with friends, go to gigs, start doing new stuff, go and stay with your children, book a flat in London for a couple of weeks. I could go on but you get the picture. If you still want to leave after testing the water, then looks like that's the way forward for you. BTW, have you talked to your husband about your feelings?

AuDHD and mental health weren't really on most people's radar when your husband would have been at school, so whether or not he has these (as only a professional can say), he would have been unlikely to have been given help as children today might. Has he always been like this? It sounds like he needs help, and that this would benefit you. People can change, and you'd probably feel happier trying to get him help, as even if things don't change, at least you'll know you tried.

"I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing."

No, I mean has OP indicated to him that things have got so bad that she is seriously considering reneging on her marriage vows?

Has anyone asked OP if she's actually tried talking to her husband about this?

My argument that she should communicate with her partner and/or explore relationship counselling? This basic level of common sense doesn't require intimate knowledge.

Your OP sounds like people who go on holiday have a fabulous time for a week decide that if they move there permanently then life will be one long holiday. In reality if you move to a flat in London your children will be getting on with their own lives, you will need to make a new social circle which is hard, particularly during mid life and in London, don’t underestimate how paying all the bills and maintaining a home by yourself when you have been used to having a partner to share with for 30 odd years can be stressful. I’m not saying don’t do it, but take off your holiday goggles first. I also think it’s only fair to be totally frank with your husband and give him the opportunity to address the issues, if he doesn’t want to change or can’t then you can make an informed decision with what you want to do going forward.

Actually, many have concurred my POV.

Your point that you need to know London well basically reinforces my point. Even a social butterfly can't settle and build a meaningful community overnight. Stop with the nonsense.

Like some others I would also say there are lots of options in between continuing to live your life as it is and leaving him. New places, friends, hobbies, holidays can all be done independently even when you are in a relationship. You don’t even have to live together!

I have a friend who has moved part-time to London to help look after her granddaughter (but also gets to enjoy lots of museums, theatre visits etc and has quite a social life). Her (more introvert) DH still lives full time in the family home in the countryside with their dogs.

I am sure each of them would publicly insist that this set-up was a necessity due to the dogs and grandchildren, but secretly I think they are both loving the arrangement.

Agreed. PPs here are pretending not to know what marriage vows say.

She has addressed this in her post.

A few random thoughts...

I think you have to give your husband the opportunity to change, or if he won't then suggest you spend some time travelling alone, making new friends and having experiences that he doesn't want to share. See what the thinks of that.

I would spend a month in London living as a normal.person not an on holiday person. I moved somewhere because I fell in love with it on a weekend holiday. I'm glad I moved but the things I did here and fell in love with I don't do from one month to the next now I live here! When I actually lived in London I rarely went to the art galleries and theatre because real life got in the way. Trailing round galleries on your own isn't as much fun as with other people in my experience.

It's hard to make friends in your 50's ( assume you are at least 60) I have found that the hardest thing about the move I made. At least you will have your children nearby but they won't be with you all the time.

Do you think your husband is abusive/controlling? Or is it a personality thing or an anxiety thing that he could change?

Would you want to find a new bloke in London?

My friends mum moved to London for a year to do a 'hobby' course in her late 50's. She was working up to leaving her husband, doing a bit of a try out I suppose. Could you do that? She actually found she preferred her old life but at least she tried!

No, she hasn't. There's a huge difference between "If I ask him to change his routine he'll just grumble" and "It's okay to leave this marriage with no warning".

I went through a similar questioning of my marriage last year. I realized we'd slowly stopped socializing entirely and H was becoming resistant to anything outside his ever shrinking world. Partly down to aging and him always being more an introvert naturally.

I tried inviting him to go out places and he kept declining until I got very upset and told him I was done asking for his attention or inviting him to go out to eat, to a show even a movie he was refusing, happy to stay home.

I broke down and told him I wasn't going to beg him to like me anymore and he had a simple choice to make-
1-we divorce, split everything and move on, both would be nearly broke. I made it clear I knew what I was due after 25 years of marriage and I would take my fair share.
2-we stay together, I start going out on my own and enjoying life, he can stay home as usual.
3-he starts accompanying me to go out to eat, go to movies, concerts and short trips away. The bonus being he can participate and enjoy experiences too.

It was hard for both of us but he has made an effort and we do go out monthly at least together. I also make an effort to go out on my own with friends. I do have to do most of the planning, I tried once to see if he'd pick up any of the planning for a weekend away but he was either oblivious or intentionally dropped the ball which I picked up and ran with, he wasn't getting out it that easily. And we had a lovely weekend, he admitted he didn't expect to have so much fun. It irritated me but I rationalized it with the thought that if I were alone I'd be doing all the planning anyway.

So I'm suggesting there may be a middle ground here but it means you have to force him or leave him behind and you tell him that clearly.

A little flat in London sounds very nice though so if you opted to leave him I'd understand why.

Not really, her post suggested she couldn't be bothered talking to him because she'd assumed how he'd react.

It's absolutely wild to me how many people would consider serving divorce papers before sitting down and discussing a problem like two adults first.

He has no concern for your wants and needs so why are you bothering about his. Go and live YOUR life. Please don't give this man another year of your life.

I’d say it’s about equal.

Who said anything about overnight? You move to London you get to know it very quickly.

Can you reframe this as an opportunity to sit him down and tell him how you feel? Focus on the key issues:
You are too far from your children, you want to be nearer,
You have let life go stale. You want to go out more, spontaneously, with less planning,
He's uptight, and needs to learn to relax. Does he ever laugh? It's really important for your health to chat and laugh and relax.
You need to start to live more.

Give him time to digest it. If he's still negative, you could suggest counselling for him to work out why he needs to live like an 85 year old, whilst you decide what you need to do next.

Hopefully this could be a fresh start for both of you.

What would happen if you stayed married but you change your own lifestyle to match what you want?

Go to bed when you're tired, not when your husband wants to go by his timetable (create a little haven in a spare room perhaps if you can, so he can't say you're disturbing him going to bed at a different time), be spontaneous and go out if something takes your fancy. Invite him - if he doesn't want to go, that's on him.

Try relaxing in your own home for a while before you make any decisions based on one weekend. See if you can adapt to a change together. If he's really that set in his ways, it is likely that you'll want to walk away anyway, but if there's a middle ground to be found, why not explore that first?

@Aluna

It depends where you live but London isn’t more expensive than other places in the SE. And you don’t have to eat out if you need to live frugally. There are so many amazing food shops - delis, patisseries, Thai, Korean, Japanese, French, Polish, Turkish supermarkets etc - you can eat very wide range of food that you just can’t get outside London without even going to restaurants.

This did make me laugh as you clearly have no idea about the reality of living outside of London in 2025! 😂

I actually live in County Cork, Ireland and I think our local food shops and farmers markets are superior to much of the standard supermarket dross available in the UK. There’s no M&S, Tesco stores, Costas or Starbucks etc. locally but we have lots of independent shops and cafes and the SuperValu chain of supermarkets are run independently too, so you’ll find different produce on sale in their stores throughout the country.

My adult DC love shopping locally here when they visit and my son always comments on the better variety of craft beers our local supermarket offers compared to London. SIL says she prefers our local SuperValu to shopping in Waitrose because of the wider variety of interesting local products on offer.

London is great for the tourists but I enjoy my fresh air and lots of space.