First Date slapped me on bottom

[highstoolfling]

I went on a date last night with someone I’ve known for a year or so. He’s actually my son’s friends dad. He has made huge efforts to woo me. Lots of banter in texts. Saying lovely things about me etc. The date was lovely. He picked me up. Got reservations at my favourite restaurant. All good. Definitely chemistry. When we were at the pub I bent down to help a lady get her coat from behind my chair. My date walloped my bottom. I was mortified. There were lots of people there. Some of them I knew and I had introduced him too. I just feel so compromised. I’m 47 and have had my fair share of lurching hands etc. I just feel so yucky. I won’t see him again. But should I tell him why. My friend says I should give him a second chance. It was just a bit of craic.

I had a similar experience. I got on the first date and he got super handsy during the date. So we were sat on a circle bar table and he kept moving to be closer to me and putting his leg next to mine, then his hand. I made my excuses to leave, and he insisted on walking me to the car, - this is middle of the day in broad day light in a pub car park that was full of people - and he tried to kiss me but when i said no kept going 'go on' and pulling me in more and kept trying. I had to firmly say no, and pull away and drive off hurriedly. I had some male friends who said he was keen and obviously thought I was into him and shooting his shot. It put me off dating for 8 months (id been active before then), and it super shook me up. It really made me feel like I was doing something wrong, I was putting out the wrong signals. Id had a few be handsy with me before but this was the worst. I asked a female friend and she suggested it was what I was wearing! I have very big boobs, and apparently wearing tight tops was giving the wrong impression - I should wear shirts (which make me look bigger than I am).

Anyway, it really did a number on me, and Im 51!!!! Not a teenage girl, I should know better not to blame myself, but as it kept happening it makes you doubt yourself. So if there is an inkling of that OP dont do that! I hear you saying you have a nice curvy bum. Don't be thinking this is on you. No matter how nice your bum is - its your body not to be touched by pervs.

I didn't tell my perv - I just blocked and deleted. My view is a man in his 40s doesn't need telling what he did wrong. He knows. Its not our job to educate them anyways, and there is no way he doesn't know thats not ok.

Hope you are ok OP. x

Is that meant to frighten you or prove what a macho man he is? Another red flag, and combined with the assault I would give him a wide berth and just end it quietly. He may actually be dangerous.

Ha ha yes I did! Very sleep deprived

What a sleeze, I’d just txt him and tell him after how he behaved last night, it’s done.

It is sexual assault. There is nothing borderline about it

It’s clearly within the legal definition of sexual assault. There is no “technical” about it

That’s what ‘technically’ means? Or is being pedantic on a thread where the OP has clearly been assaulted and is distressed by it some sort of buzz for you?

Sadly, it doesn’t work that way they do not keep a record of these things and then apply them if he turns out to be a serial arse slapper
Every complaint and every crime is judged on its own merit.
They don’t take 10 other incidences into consideration.

personally I would’ve slapped him back which would’ve been self defence and far more effective at administering justice.
The police won’t do anything about this

The word technically completely mimimises what happened. So why use it?

Section 3 of the Sexual offences Act 2003 sexual assault is defined as ;

“intentionally touching another person in a sexual manner without their consent and without a reasonable belief that they consented. “

She has bruising, and witnesses. The CPS would charge and a conviction is likely , so the police would not do nothing

This man sounds dangerous, please do Clares Law search on him.

You're a bit weird.

I wouldn't reply to him, but if I were even tempted it would be along the lines of "Crikey, you're dangerous enough with your hand, I wouldn't want to be around you when you have a gun!"

They don’t take 10 other incidences into consideration

They do if he was charged or cautioned. Men get away with being serial abusers because women don't (feel they can't) complain.

Am I right in thinking this is the only thing you've heard from him since the date? No (clueless) "I had a great time, let's do it again," just a picture of him with a gun? If so, do you think then that he has clocked that you're not into him and is intimidating you? Because that would be worrying.

This just made my blood run cold. If this is how he behaves on and after a first date RUN!!!

That was not what I was told when I made a complaint about somebody to the police who was caution. He’d already been imprisoned for rape, which is why they took it more seriously than they usually would’ve.
But when I made exactly the same comment about it at least being on file if you escalate to other people I was told that’s not what they do.
I presume you’re some sort of police officer and you know more than I do

Wow. Violence in public and then that message. He's absolutely saying this is who he is. No second chances.

If he's like that in public, what would he be like behind closed doors?

How on earth did you resist the urge to wallop him back? Possibly in the chops. That would have given the pub a laugh… What a weirdo.

I think I'd reply. "Is this photo a threat? After you assaulted me last night it is a worrying message to receive. Please do not contact me further." And then I'd log it with 101.

You are NOT making too much out of this. His behaviour was totally not ok. It was degrading and disrespectful. He has shown that he does not care about your boundaries or getting consent /making sure you’re ok. What an absolute wanker.
Your friend is even worse for saying you should go on a second date. Neither of them have any respect for YOUR boundaries. Do not go on a second date with him. You do not want to worry what else this creep could groop / slap / sneak up on you, especially if you’re alone (shudders at the thought of being alone with such a creep).
I get that it would be difficult to tell hem but I think i: importsngbhd knows. I’d say something like: Harry I was actually shocked by your behaviour, you slapping my bottom when I was helping that lady was not ok. I absolutely did not expect it and I was very embarrrassed. It felt very degrading. I don’t know why on earth you thought that was acceptable. Maybe your previous partners enjoyed that, or didn’t and just never said anything, but you need to know that not everyone is ok with having their bottom slapped (in public or in private). I am one of the women who does not want her bottom slapped, and you doing that without checking whether I’m ok with it felt degrading and violating. It has made me see you in a different light and frankly, I don’t feel comfortable anymore with you as I don’t feel safe wondering what else you’re going to do without checking if I’m ok with it. I need a man who is man enough to respect my boundaries.

They absolutely do consider that. I had a stalker who kept leaving notes on my car at 3am. The police wanted me to undergo remediation, during which he would write an apology letter, as he had no prior record. turned out that a woman in the same block as me had worked with him, and he had been sacked for sexual misconduct and harassment of female staff. Had this been on his record, the police would have taken my stalking incident

Not on a sexual offence but I have seen bad character presented in court which included a list of all the cautions and convictions there had been for offences which directly related to the type of offence charged. They certainly do record them.

It's almost hard to believe a man thinks he could get away with hitting a woman like that in public. But if the OP doesn't report it, I suppose he does get away with it.