First Date slapped me on bottom

[highstoolfling]

I went on a date last night with someone I’ve known for a year or so. He’s actually my son’s friends dad. He has made huge efforts to woo me. Lots of banter in texts. Saying lovely things about me etc. The date was lovely. He picked me up. Got reservations at my favourite restaurant. All good. Definitely chemistry. When we were at the pub I bent down to help a lady get her coat from behind my chair. My date walloped my bottom. I was mortified. There were lots of people there. Some of them I knew and I had introduced him too. I just feel so compromised. I’m 47 and have had my fair share of lurching hands etc. I just feel so yucky. I won’t see him again. But should I tell him why. My friend says I should give him a second chance. It was just a bit of craic.

Would your friend still suggest you gad a second date if he slapped your face ? Whether it be face or bottom, it makes no difference. Tell him and give him a chance to apologise, I wouldn't be seeing him again.

THIS.

Yeah, that was before I read that it was a hard wallop. The few times I've been given a light smack on the bum by a partner before, I do mean light - so light I hardly felt it. That would still be pretty cheeky on a first date, but this is something else.

He’s already hit her so hard, in public, that he left a bruise. Encouraging her to antagonise him, let alone in response to a photo of him with firearms, doesn’t seem especially sensible or supportive.

Mate, OP said she feels full of rage, upset, cheapened and was hit so hard unexpectedly that it left a bruise.

Your poem completely undermined the seriousness of what happened and felt a bizarre attempt to inject humour into a situation that just isn’t funny.

If he hit another part of her body hard enough to leave a bruise would you have written a ‘funny poem’ about it?

Maybe chalk this one up to a bit of a lesson, I know no malice was meant but OP was clearly distressed and already earlier sounded as if she felt she might be overreacting. She isn’t. Joking about it isn’t supportive.

I read further on and then realised that it wasn't a feather-light tap but a hard wallop and wrote many more responses accordingly.

RTFT.

HTH.

Noted and respected, no malice intended and I'll say no more 🤝

Jesus fucking Christ.

This makes me realise that you can't go slowly enough when getting to know someone. Hopefully someone like your ex would get bored and move on, or else slip up, if they had to get to know someone slowly as a person before anything else happened.

As if him hitting you on a first date wasn't enough he's now sending you photos of him with a rifle? There's so many red flags here.

Please go to the police and report the sexual assault, this man needs to be stopped.

The "why didn't you say anything at the time" I find smacks of victim blaming
People freeze .. are shocked... are embarrassed

I'm not convinced about this. I was assaulted as a child by a man when he was in his 20's and working as a butchers delivery driver. When he was in his 50's he was a councillor and was removed from his post for appalling behaviour towards a female colleague.

After I read this article, I decided to report the assault even though it was very historic. I wondered if he had been doing this sort of thing all his life and if there was a weight of evidence from other people, a case might be made.

The policeman called me and arranged an interview and I asked if there had been other complainants and he clearly couldn't say directly but it was clear from his gesture that they were gathering statements and were planning on bringing a case against him.

He committed suicide so I have no idea if I was one of three or 53 but they must have had a dossier of some sort on him so must have gathered previous evidence somehow, even though he had not been charged prior.

Having said all this, I do not believe it's worth informing the police of this. It would go nowhere.

Send him a pic of the bruise with caption of more violence. I’m furious. For him to have bruised you means he used a lot of force. It’s assault. Would you consider going to the GP? And explaining how it happened so it’s on record?

Hi OP, it was me who asked whether it was a playful slap/cup. Sorry to hear you are bruised and I think you’ve dealt with this brilliantly x

He hit you hard enough to bruise you and now he's sending pix of himself with a gun.

Think about reporting him. The pic with a gun really sounds like intimidation to me and I'm used to people having guns.

Watch your back, don't be alone for a while unless home with doors and windows locked and keep an eye out for this guy following you. I would usually say block but the gun pic, I'd want to know his state of mind.

Ew, so sorry he did this to you @highstoolfling,

I don't know what's more grim, the fact he did this to you or the fact 13% of people voted YABU. What is wrong with people?!

“You assaulted me on our first date and then sent a photo of yourself with a gun. What woman with any sense of self respect or preservation would put herself in the position of being alone in your company ever again? Don’t EVER contact me again.”

Your case is totally different from the OP’s. It doesn’t really make sense to compare them.

I'm not comparing them. I'm stating that the Police do keep records of reported bad behaviour even if they don't have enough at the time to bring a case.

This is how cases are formed. One allegation on it's own will not hold water. Ten similar cases from complainants that don't know each other, stinks and action can be taken. This is what Clare's Law is based on.

In a case like this, although it's probably just fuckwittery on the part of this date, if he carried on being a jerk, I would make a Clare's Law enquiry so his crap is reported and logged at least.

I'd like to know that split of sexes on that one. I know most people on mumsnet are female but like you I'm stunned that even 1% of Mumsnet would think that was reasonable. I thought the percentage would drop as new people joined the thread, but no. Are that many parents still bringing up their girl children to tolerate this kind of crap?

I think it probably is mostly our friendly neighbourhood MRAs and incels. However, some women still think it's not a big deal, don't make a fuss, can't do anything these days etc etc. So what, they're wrong too.

Absolutely. And not just first dates but early dating. I also wish women wouldn't teach other women to ignore their instincts. Whenever this has happened to me it's always gone badly.

Absolutely this, apart from confrontation itself being dangerous we shouldn't teach them how to disguise their true nature.

No wonder you get the manosphere on here disrupting threads. They must hate women standing up for each other.

I really think we should stop using words like smack and slap - this man HIT OP
It doesn't matter which part of her or the situation, he hit her

He might think she's flirting with him if she does that! Considering the bruise is on her bum.

I would say block and never speak to again but as he is the dad of a child's friend you may have to send a message along the lines of, thankyou but I've decided to remain single. I really wouldn't say much more than that.

I wouldn't be saying "thank you" to someone who assaulted me.