First Date slapped me on bottom

[highstoolfling]

I went on a date last night with someone I’ve known for a year or so. He’s actually my son’s friends dad. He has made huge efforts to woo me. Lots of banter in texts. Saying lovely things about me etc. The date was lovely. He picked me up. Got reservations at my favourite restaurant. All good. Definitely chemistry. When we were at the pub I bent down to help a lady get her coat from behind my chair. My date walloped my bottom. I was mortified. There were lots of people there. Some of them I knew and I had introduced him too. I just feel so compromised. I’m 47 and have had my fair share of lurching hands etc. I just feel so yucky. I won’t see him again. But should I tell him why. My friend says I should give him a second chance. It was just a bit of craic.

Well, as I said, an actual police officer told me that they didn’t so who to believe eh ?

the slap was so hard you have a bruise?!!! WTF?? Honestly, I think I’d report the incident to the police. What he did was physical abuse.

Well I don't understand how you can believe, in an age where nasty tweets are recorded, that actual admissions and convictions of crimes aren't recorded. I would guess your policeman was fobbing you of to avoid work.

How do you think "bad character" court submissions and Clares Law can work if these things aren't recorded?

OP please, in view of the gun message, report the assault to the police today.

Ugh. Honestly I would just block and ghost. You don’t even owe an explanation. If you wanted to, you could just say the date wasn’t for you. He can’t call you a prude then because a man like that won’t even get you explaining it was wrong.

A couple of points don't worry yourself about your reaction at the time. Others will have seen and noticed, causing a scene would not have been good.
You really should tell him so that he KNOWS about what is acceptable and when etc.
His reaction will then affect your decision about seeing him in future. As he is the father of your son's friend you will have some contact with him in the future.

The problem with 'just a bit of craic' is that it's demeaning, designed to put the man in the position of dominance and the reception of it depends entirely on the receiver's past history with men.

I've had way too many incidences with men over stepping my physical boundaries from a young age to be able to over look it or receive it in any positive way, and I am far from alone.

Plenty of people will be ready to tell you you're being unreasonable and over reacting. They're twats. You know it. No need to go toe to toe with them over it if you don't feel the need.

If you want to avoid being painted as a prude then maybe just tell him the date made you realise you're not ready for anything at the moment and back out.

If not, just tell him his behaviour icked you out to such an extent that your vagina has retreated so far it now has vocal chords and is now capable of telling him itself what a humungous twat he is, not that he'll ever get close enough to hear it.

I disagree strongly - we're never going to make any headway on violence against women if we just pretend it doesn't matter.

I'm also staggered that 13% of respondents think the OP is BU.

It’s crazy how much we change isn’t it. In my 20s I probably would have been flattered and thought “oooo he fancies me”. Now at 45 I’d want to chin him.
Absolutely rank

Why on earth would you care what he was doing with his friends last year?
He must think you'll be impressed with how manly he looks holding a gun 🤢

It's outrageous that he hit you so hard it left a bruise!

Probably because I sat across the desk from a policeman and he told me that that was the case are you suggesting we shouldn’t believe the police?

This reminded me of 'Boaby ' the barman in still blowing his chances with Margo the quiz reader😅. But seriously, that kind of behaviour belongs firmly in the past.

Don't be, we have a significant number of incels and MRAs on here who think it's Man Hating (TM) to uphold consent and say no if we don't like what a man is doing. There was one on a thread yesterday where OP came out of the bathroom to find her new boyfriend lying on the bed wearing some sort of gag mask thing with a contraption and expecting her to sit on his face. No discussion, no nothing. Then he got pissy and called her a prude when she didn't react well. We were Man Haters (TM) for telling her to ditch him.

You don't expect a date to slap you on the ass. You need to tell him why, even if it's to save some other woman he dates, having the same done to her. He obviously doesn't realise that in 2025, slapping a woman's ass, especially one you've only just started dating, is not appropriate.

Probably not but it's worth trying on the chance that they might do their actual job for a change (i know silp chance but I'm an optimist)

Don’t tell him why. Let him reveal himself to the next woman just as clearly.

No...do what you can to stop him assaulting other women. By this logic we should never pull men up on horrible behaviour because they should "show themselves" by carrying on with it.

This you obviously need to spell it out him.

This shows quite clearly how many menz trolls there are on this site.

There is no way that any bloke in the British Isles thinks that it's ok to smack a woman on the bum in public and without any kind of prior consent. Everyone knows that it is a sexual assault. Everyone. Hitting someone anywhere is an assault. He'd know not to slap you round the face!

I get that two people might have a kink of some kind, whatever, but my understanding is you'd still need to have agreed on that. Any bloke who does that without consent is taking a massive risk and knows he is.

(I personally think you'd have to be mad to give a bloke a general pass to hit you in public or anywhere but I accept that views on that may vary)

This is what my mind keeps coming back to. It was a deliberate and aggressive act and of the sort where a Claire's Law request would be entirely appropriate. I hope you report this to the police OP, I bet he has "form".

I disagree. When dating I don't tell a man on message or in person where he went wrong because then he can perform for other women and hide it (like my abusive ex-husband does so so well). I feel I would be doing women a massive disservice to help a guy cover up what he is really like. Women need to see those red flags waving from early on - not help them hide them.

With more serious matters, I would go straight to the police, not to him. Its not our job to educate piss poor men. And teaching them to just hide their shitty behaviour early doors is NOT doing other women any favours at all.

My ex boasts how he knows he can't be 'cheeky' in the first few dates because he won't get in the door. He now bides his time til he does get there for his gross sexually abusive real self to come out.

Not you, you are talking through your own arse and trying to minimise what has happened to the OP.
The assault, the bruise, and the rifle picture are red flags. There is sufficient there to satisfy s.3 SOA. As explained by pp.

Good riddance, OP! Definitely tell him what was the reason and never ever think of it as if you were making a lot out of nothing. You weren't. He was a pig.

You are very naive if you think feedback from the op will change his character. He will only hide it better.