First Date slapped me on bottom

[highstoolfling]

I went on a date last night with someone I’ve known for a year or so. He’s actually my son’s friends dad. He has made huge efforts to woo me. Lots of banter in texts. Saying lovely things about me etc. The date was lovely. He picked me up. Got reservations at my favourite restaurant. All good. Definitely chemistry. When we were at the pub I bent down to help a lady get her coat from behind my chair. My date walloped my bottom. I was mortified. There were lots of people there. Some of them I knew and I had introduced him too. I just feel so compromised. I’m 47 and have had my fair share of lurching hands etc. I just feel so yucky. I won’t see him again. But should I tell him why. My friend says I should give him a second chance. It was just a bit of craic.

“That must be where you learned to shoot yourself in the foot. Goodbye.”

Nope. He should have been on best behaviour. If thats him on best behaviour then whats he like at other times

Ghastly man.

Touches you sexually in public without your actual or implied consent.
Hits you so hard it leaves a bruise.
Thinks it's ok/ fun/funny to humiliate you in front of other people.

Thank god you were never alone with him in a private home. If that's how he behaves in public, I dread to think how he might behave in private.

I don’t think it makes the slightest bit of difference what type of smack it was. And the only time context would be relevant would be if she’d been snogging his face off, waving her arse at him and telling him that he was on a promise for that night and she liked her bum being spanked. That would be the only time it would be understandable for him to have done it.

As it was, she was helping someone pick their coat up. She doesn’t say that she said or did anything to make this man think that a slap on the arse would be at all welcome, even if it had been a playful tap. Bum slapping is something that each couple works out between them; some couples are ok with it right from the start. For others, it’s unacceptable under any circumstances, at any time. At that point, they’d been dating for a matter of minutes. Certainly not enough time to establish whether it would be welcome or not. And guess what you absolutely don’t do unless you’re totally sure it would be welcomed?

OP, In your shoes, I wouldn’t respond to his message and if he messages you, I’d tell him that the date just confirmed for you that the pair of you are most definitely not a match and that you’re not interested in chatting any further. Otherwise, @DeadBee’s response is absolutely perfect!

That's weird. Seems quite threatening to me. Why on earth would he send you a picture with a rifle after you've had a bit of an issue with him? He sounds dodgy as anything. I would steer well clear!

Good opportunity to reply with “your slap has left me with a bruise. It was a disgusting thing to do and I don’t want to hear from you again.” And block!

After your latest update (and from your first post) run run run.

Men who think posting pictures of themselves with firearms (military accepted) scare me.
Is he a farmer? Does he need one in his job? Is it licensed?

Fuck no.

It’s always the way on these threads. Someone will come along claiming this place is full of man hating prudes, their DH groped them every which way on their first date and they’ve been happily married now for 432 years.

Yes, please do this!

@highstoolfling could you report it to the police online so that there is a record that it has been logged?

I wouldn't expect any action, but I would think it is important that a record is made.

Oh I love this. And if it wouldn’t give him a chance to argue back I’d use it.

Maybe add in the sexudl assault element too.

Anyone else seeing this add? Just seems funny on this thread. As the OP I feel I’m ok to see the irony in this advertisement

OP, he assaulted you in front of witnesses.
I can't believe what I am reading.
You have a bruise.
I absolutely believe you should consider ringing 101 and ask for advice.
I definitely would tell mutual friends what he did.
I would text him, not speak to him.

I would tell him tjat he assaulted you in public in front of witnesses, and that you have been left with marks.
Tell him to never contact you again.

This is not on you.
This is all on him.
I'm so sorry for you.

I just don't agree with "let more women be assaulted and have him never be rebuked so he reveals himself". By that logic we should never take any action against assault and bad behaviour.

If he won't change then he'll reveal it one way or another and maybe next time he won't do it by hitting a woman and leaving a bruise. We can't guarantee the next one will kick him to the kerb as he deserves, but that's true of all shitty men. Even if he doesn't change his thoughts that women should accept it, if he stops actually doing it then that's still a plus.

I do agree that if OP doesn't feel able to confront him, that's another matter; she's not obliged to do anything. But that's a different argument to "let him run riot with the intention of 'showing himself' through more assaults".

Oh PLEASE send this OP!

You could say it then block him.

The faux-innocence would irritate me more than the bum slap.

At least if he recognised it and apologised you could move on. I hate playing the ‘what’s wrong’ game because a man is too stupid / embarrassed to say sorry.

Bloody hell, he walloped you and you have a bruise ??
FFS report him. He’s an abusive wanker and needs to be told do.

Next person it’ll be choking during sex.

FFS don't encourage OP to play one-upmanship games with a violent man who has access to guns. She will lose.

Message that you don't want to see or hear from him again, then block him. Photograph the bruise, screengrab the message with the rifle at the shooting range, write down everything that's happened between you. Then consider if you want to make a police report.

A bruise?! You have a bruise from this arsehole?! Look I have been smacked many a time on my backside and I have never had a fucking bruise! What an absolute prick that idiot is. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that.

For sure that's what I'm suggesting, since I've seen with my own eyes that he was not telling you the truth that previous crimes are not recorded and/or don't count when they investigate new ones.

Am horrified reading this, and reading your further update that you are actually bruised today!!! Bruise or no, this was NOT ON. You are not making a big deal out of anything.

And it is perfectly normal to 'freeze' in the moment when this kind of shitty thing happens, don't blame yourself for being a slow processor.

To be honest, with the bruise, you probably should report to the police. But I absolutely wouldn't judge you if you decide not to.

It was a poem I made for the op to help cheer her up, god knows why you are on your high horse or felt the need to stick your nose in.

OP, did you see poem and if so, did it cheer you up a little? It has actually been removed now thanks to the joyless

You don't understand. It isn't 'not taking any action' - its about not taking action with that person. If it is serious enough then block, delete, and police. If not just block and delete. That IS action. Talking to them about where they went wrong, what they did that was inappropriate just makes them hide their behaviours better. It protects women NOT to do this. Also men like this tend to get more dangerous when being called out. I work with DV survivors and I am one myself. What you are stating is very very dangerous and incorrect advice. All DV services will recommend the same as what I am saying for these very reasons. That advice isn't at all, "let him run riot with the intention of 'showing himself' through more assaults".