First Date slapped me on bottom

[highstoolfling]

I went on a date last night with someone I’ve known for a year or so. He’s actually my son’s friends dad. He has made huge efforts to woo me. Lots of banter in texts. Saying lovely things about me etc. The date was lovely. He picked me up. Got reservations at my favourite restaurant. All good. Definitely chemistry. When we were at the pub I bent down to help a lady get her coat from behind my chair. My date walloped my bottom. I was mortified. There were lots of people there. Some of them I knew and I had introduced him too. I just feel so compromised. I’m 47 and have had my fair share of lurching hands etc. I just feel so yucky. I won’t see him again. But should I tell him why. My friend says I should give him a second chance. It was just a bit of craic.

Some things can easily be explained as a misunderstanding or misreading of a situation.

This one can’t.

He slapped her, hard, on the backside in a restaurant in front of other people when they had no established relationship and hadn’t had any form of sexual contact.

That isn’t just a little nervous slip-up that deserves a second chance.

I hate it when men do this, even my husband. You're trying to do something useful like pick something off the ground and they're turning into a sexual moment. F*ck off.

I would tell him so he is not left wondering forever about what went wrong.

"I need to tell you that I was humiliated and disgusted when you slapped my arse in public the other night. It's a completely inappropriate thing to do on a date and has put me off ever going on another one with you.
Women do not like to be touched sexually without consent and without warning, especially in front of others."

God, what awful advice.
You think that women over 40 should put up with being walloped because there's a shortage of single men?

There's nothing wrong with being single and it is infinitely better than being with a brutish, pig of a man.

You should encourage women to know their worth.

You are not making too much of it OP.
I would feel exactly the same.

He's lucky you didn't whallop him back!

That sounds awful Op and was sorry to hear about this. My concern is what would he do if he was angry. I would do as others have advised and tell him you are not putting up with that. I am sure you will meet a lovely man who would not do such a thing.

YANBU at all!

Even if it was just a bit of craic, it was flipping immature.

Disrespect, such disrespect, don't give him another chance to disrespect you.

😄

Oh, that is my PET HATE - being given a smack on the bum while bending down to do something else. I lived with someone who did that, sometimes when I bent down to load the dishwasher, and without fail it ended up with me being startled and banging my fucking head on the kitchen counter. 🤬 Whatever the circs, I find it intensely irritating. Do NOT use the fact that I have to bend down to do something to smack my bum. I HATE being startled that way.

As to whether this is a sacking offence, I don't know. It's possible that you could be missing out on a great guy because of a fairly minor infraction. But be aware that guys with bad manners outside of the bedroom don't tend to suddenly turn into 007 inside it.

Agree so hard with everything you say, but ESPECIALLY that last sentence. In no time, you'll be treated to that thing where he twists normal things you say into something dirty, like a schoolboy - why do SO many men do this! - and tensing up every time you bend down to do the dishwasher.

"I need to tell you that I was humiliated and disgusted when you slapped my arse assaulted me in public the other night..."

Fixed that for you.

Oh, that is NOT on. And he embarrassed you. You should have shouted at him right then and there. If he had startled me enough, I think my natural reaction would have been to hit him on the arm just as hard.

Oooh, this is brilliant!

Shame must change sides. He should be ashamed on himself and embarrassed that he outed himself as a 70s sleaze bag in public enough to reflect on his behaviour before he ends up on an assault charge.

OP, if you go this route and decide not to tell him, a failsafe that an aunt taught me is to say "I don't feel a spark" as an excuse for not accepting any more dates. It's perfect because no one can argue with that.

The Irish expression your friend used indicates you are in Ireland. As somebody in Ireland, I can not think of a single person I know that would think this is acceptable.

OP, I’m shocked to read this. I think this guy sounds awful. Did anyone say anything when they saw/heard this and also, being a wallop, did you fall over?

How embarrassing but for him more than you!
He's really shown himself to be an absolute misogynistic arse.
Hold your head up.and don't even contact him again, in my opinion. Stay well away, don't get embroiled in messages.
You're well shut.

I agree with this. I wouldn't give him the benefit of my opinion. So many times we are told we are not rehabilitation centres for these bloody awful men or, put another way, you are not the asshole whisperer @highstoolfling

Don't tell him. This is why he is likely single. It's demeaning to be slapped on the arse in front of people you respect by some knuckle dragging git.

If you feel confident to tell him and that's he's not going to carry on like an idiot, tell him.
If not, don't bother telling him, it's not your responsibility to fix shit men.

A bit of arse craic, maybe?

I imagine him in a Terry Thomas voice saying “Ding-dong” as he did it.

Utterly juvenile behaviour from a presumably middl-aged man.

Bin him off, as the mumsnet faithful like to say.

'He needs to know' WHY does he need to know from OP? He should already know! He's not two.

It shouldn't fall endlessly to women to try and bring these types out of cave man behaviour.

The best for this is in a few weeks, if he says something to OP's face directly, she should come back with, "But you hit me. IN PUBLIC", and nothing more.

Men that deliberately humiliate women do not warrant a free lesson on how to not be a dickhead.

Fundamentally a man who does this has no respect for you. Doesn’t matter how many nice words he says, he disrespected you and in a very public way. Good for you for not bothering with him.

Your feelings are valid. You wanted and were enjoying a special, intimate date, an adult and sophisticated, romantic date with true intent and emotions. Instead, you got Benny Hill emerging from behind a somewhat thin veneer of respectability.

I'm so sorry. He was an idiot and should realise it. If he needs to be informed what the issue is, that makes it ever worse because apparently, he has no true understanding of what would make for a lovely evening.