First Date slapped me on bottom

[highstoolfling]

I went on a date last night with someone I’ve known for a year or so. He’s actually my son’s friends dad. He has made huge efforts to woo me. Lots of banter in texts. Saying lovely things about me etc. The date was lovely. He picked me up. Got reservations at my favourite restaurant. All good. Definitely chemistry. When we were at the pub I bent down to help a lady get her coat from behind my chair. My date walloped my bottom. I was mortified. There were lots of people there. Some of them I knew and I had introduced him too. I just feel so compromised. I’m 47 and have had my fair share of lurching hands etc. I just feel so yucky. I won’t see him again. But should I tell him why. My friend says I should give him a second chance. It was just a bit of craic.

This.
You have an expectation of being treated as a person, not a piece of meat.
Being ambushed in this way is unbelievable at first, and society has not set us up to protest effectively or immediately.
As someone who has recently had this happen (but the assault was by a stranger, so I wasn’t able to react and can’t go back to them now to protest) it makes you feel horrible, but it isn’t your fault.
Definitely tell him that he crossed the line, and you’re not going to be disrespected. He has shown you who he is - don’t ignore the red flags.

You're not making too much of this OP. Someone on a first date (and first dates typically signify good behaviour, presenting the best of yourself) slapped you on the arse and thinks it's ok.

It would show to me that he sees me as a piece of meat ready for him to do what he wants with. If this is him on first date, good behaviour, imagine what he is like when he is more comfortable and relaxed.

That being said i do think he needs to be told. I imagine nobody ever has and that's why he thinks it's ok. I dont agree with ghosting him at all but ultimately this man is going to probably do this to another woman. Maybe if you at least tell him, he might defensive, call you a prude etc but it will make him second guess next time he wants to do this to another woman.

A proper hard wallop on the backside on any date (number 1 or 10) would have me feeling the same. If my DH did that to me now after 20 something years together he would be getting blasted, never mind someone I didn’t know very well.
I wouldn’t just ignore him because I don’t agree with ‘ghosting’ people.
I would send a message to say ‘thanks for the lovely evening you were having up until the point he thought it was ok to whack your arse. You’ve had time to think and there won’t be a second date because it was unacceptable but you’re giving him a heads up because no woman in 2025 is going to think that is ok.

A 'bit of craic' is a witty comment or a joke.

It's not a bottom slap in full view of other diners.

Don't see him again.

I went off him anyway when you said he said lots of lovely things to you (flattery) and there was lots of banter in texts. He's definitely' that sort of man' who seems to know how to pull a woman in but deep down he's not very nice.

I wouldn’t accept this from my DH in public like that! Never mind a first date.

I’d see this as a borderline assault and would tell him. Someone did this to me in a bar once and not only did it really hurt but it was horribly humiliating.

I agree.

He probably thinks he's god's gift to women and needs putting in his place over what is acceptable behaviour.

Technically, slapping a woman’s bottom in public (or private) without her consent is sexual assault. I know that stating that may seem to be minimising more egregious forms of sexual assault, before anyone jumps on me shouting ‘pearl clutcher’, but it was touching your person in a sexualised way without your consent. It was not okay in the 70’s, even though culturally women were conditioned (oppressed) into accepting it, and it’s not okay in 2025. This man, I assume, is around 50 so absolutely should know better.

And yes, I’d tell him there will be no further dates and the reason why: slapping a woman’s bottom is offensive.

Thanks everyone. This all mean’s so much to me. I wish I was back there now and I think I would break his arm with the rage I feel. I have a sticky out bottom and have always had men feel they can have a squeeze. Hasn’t happened in years of course but I now see my daughter suffer the same way. . . Also I’m a bit raging I went on the date at all. I’m so happy in my own skin. Got a nice life with my kids after a particularly gruesome end to my marriage in January. So just not ready to be dating at all but this has sent me right back into my shell. . . Just for the person who wondered about tap versus slap. I actually have a bit of a bruise on my bum this morning.
thanks you so much for the solidarity. Let’s never underestimate the power of this. We shouldn’t feel ashamed when we ask “was this abusive”? If I had done that years ago I might not have married who I married

If he thinks it's acceptable to hit you hard, in public, on a first date, I dread to think what he would do in private after a year.

I wouldn't tell him what he did wrong, you don't want to annoy or anger him. Don't contact him, if he messages you I agree with the bland 'I didn't feel a spark, don't contact me again' and then block him and arrange any playdates for your son and his son with the mother.

Wow! This is so shocking. Firstly a tap on the bum in front of others is highly inappropriate. But that he hit you hard enough to leave bruising is assualt. I'm so upset for you.

If he left a bruise he’s lucky you didn’t go to the police. That’s common assault and you have witnesses. What an absolute cunt. You dodged a bullet there op, well done for having standards. Standing up against this kind of shit might make men modify their future behaviour (if not their pathetic misogyny).

You've got a BRUISE? Jesus fucking Christ. You know, together with the love bombing, I do wonder if he's a perpetrator of domestic violence. Maybe you should do a Clare's Law request. It is NOT normal to suddenly wallop a woman in public like this. I'd like to wring his fucking neck for you.

If he thinks it's acceptable to hit you hard, in public, on a first date, I dread to think what he would do in private after a year.

This. Exactly this.

Oh OP. 💐 He is a real cunt.

He hit you that hard that you bruised? I would honestly be reporting this to the police. Take photos as well before the bruise fades. It should be easy to find witnesses or CCTV from the pub you were at too so there will be ample proof that he did it. Nothing may happen but at least there will be a record of his behaviour in case he does it again or worse to some other poor woman.

Men like this need to know that their actions have consequences and that it can't just be brushed under the carpet anymore!

Take a photo of the bruise.

No doubt your son, &/or his friend will want to know how the date went and you can let them know that he hit you hard enough to leave a bruise on your first date and show them the photo if necessary (maybe crop it, so it’s just the bruise and not your whole arse you show them).

All men need to understand how inappropriate this is and we shouldn’t stay silent about abuse because it’s so uncomfortable to speak up about. His DC need to understand exactly how their father behaves and why he isn’t a suitable date so they hopefully don’t set him up with anyone else.

Definitely do a Clare's Law request.

This was the post I was waiting for. Now I know it was a full on wallop, I think you’re totally right for not seeing him again. Had it just been a playful thing where his fingers barely even touched and he was more pretending to do it (if you see what I mean), I would have thought differently. This isn’t right though.

What a creep.

@highstoolfling can we please describe what he did accurately? He hit you. Whether playful or not, that's not just banter. It's assault. If it was a stranger had hit you, your friends wouldn't have been saying it was banter!!!
'Banter' of this sort can be an indication that he's either into this sort of bedroom stuff or he's an abuser. If you let him away with hitting you in the restaurant, it gives him a green flag that you're open to more behaviour of this kind.
I'd not be looking for a second date but I would be telling him, via email or similar, that his behaviour was unacceptable and why.

It takes a proper wallop indeed to bruise a derrière, as opposed to leaving it red and smarting. This “gentleman” would have had to put all his effort into it. Does he drive cattle for a living, perchance?

In any case, he is a nasty piece of work. Wouldn’t it be a pity if you saw him in public again, “accidentally” slipped, and landed him one right in the nuts?

Yes, and especially through clothing!

I'm pretty shocked that he managed to bruise OP through her clothes. I don't think I'd be able to control my temper, on seeing that. I'd probably phone him up and shout at him.

Did you miss the word "not" out of both of those sentences?

You are NOT making too much of this, he committed a sexual assault.

You have been schooled like many women not to cause a fuss.

You

Were

Assaulted.

It's sexual assault, actually, and would put him on the sex offenders register. It's probably where he needs to be, if he isn't already.