First Date slapped me on bottom

[highstoolfling]

I went on a date last night with someone I’ve known for a year or so. He’s actually my son’s friends dad. He has made huge efforts to woo me. Lots of banter in texts. Saying lovely things about me etc. The date was lovely. He picked me up. Got reservations at my favourite restaurant. All good. Definitely chemistry. When we were at the pub I bent down to help a lady get her coat from behind my chair. My date walloped my bottom. I was mortified. There were lots of people there. Some of them I knew and I had introduced him too. I just feel so compromised. I’m 47 and have had my fair share of lurching hands etc. I just feel so yucky. I won’t see him again. But should I tell him why. My friend says I should give him a second chance. It was just a bit of craic.

No. We don’t have to educate men to hide their misogynistic entitlement

Don't date your son's friends dads. It could really mess up his friendships. If things don't work out, it could get really awkward. Like this guy assaulting you, because that's what a hard slap is.

@highstoolfling Oh crikey OP, I'm so sorry, what a disappointment he's turned out to be. Three points:

• You need to teach your friend how to find her self-respect,
• You are not making too much of this, and
• I'm not surprised you couldn't find the appropriate response in the moment. (I doubt most of us would, to be honest.)

When he asks you out again, I would suggest you calmly ask him "Why did you slap my bottom in the restaurant the other night?" and when you get the inevitable "Oh, it was just a bit of a laugh/just a joke/blah, blah, blah" response, you can say to him "And that's why I won't be going on another date with you." 😉

*PS: I've just remembered he did this in public in your favourite restaurant -that's beyond cringe-worthy - what an absolute tool! 😡

“I’m making too much of this”

No you’re not. Men should know in 2025 it’s not on (I’m the same age as you).

Nooo. Let him keep making the same mistake and work it out for himself. I never ever tell men where they went wrong, they can carry on making the same mistakes

I don’t believe he has no idea why you pulled the plug on the date. There is no way he wouldn’t have been able to read the change in temperature or the look on your face. I wouldn’t tell him why. You don’t owe him anything. Don’t be surprised if you hear from him, apologizing but having a million “excuses” for why he “couldn’t help himself”. Arsehole.

EXACTLY THIS.

We don't train crappy men to hide their crappyness for longer in early dating. We leave them to display their crappiness loud and proud early on so women they date in the future can exit stage left ASAP.

OK, I speak here as someone who actually loves having my bum smacked…

… if anyone did this to me in on a first date, IN BLOODY PUBLIC, I would be absolutely fucking furious.

There are so many reasons why it’s all kinds of wrong:

You were in a public place.
You were around people you knew.
You weren’t in a relationship; it was your first bloody date.
He hadn’t tested the water to gauge whether this was something you might like; there was zero consent.
You’d had no other physical/sexual contact with him prior to that.

I am a million miles away from being a prude. I’ve done things in bed that would probably make this idiot bloke turn pale. Among other things, I’m very keen indeed on having my bum smacked and it would probably be a dealbreaker for me if a man wasn’t keen on doing that for me in the bedroom. But what this absolute pillock did?? No. He’s a total wanker with no boundaries and I’d consider what he did to you to be a sexual assault. Ugh. What a creepy little shit.

Feel free to show him (and your idiot friend) this comment.

I would be very clear that that was unacceptable. It would take me a lot of wooing for me to give him a second chance but... Keep options open maybe it was a silly misjudged moment but ....

No. He is a misogynist twat and it’s downhill all the way from this. This is him on his best behaviour

Raise your bar FGS

I wish, when younger, I had understood how men show who they are in small ways and often test out boundaries, on first dates. Your friend needs to learn that.

What part of acceptable did you read from my post? Also people fuck up. Life isn't always black and white.

God, thats even worse! What a weird man.

I don't think it's your job to educate him either and I bet he does bloody know exactly what he did wrong.

Ditch him anyway you want to. Your friend's response is disappointing to say the least.

That's classed as sexual assault. There was a recent court case local to me where a male slapped a female work colleague's bottom at a work event. The male was fined €3000 to be awarded to the female in lieu of a sexual assault conviction.

You don’t give people like this a second chance. That part

Reminds me of Only fools and horses 🤣

Oh that's fucking awful. What a creep..

Was coming on to say this. He knows. Of course he knows. He knew before he did it. He was testing the water.

It's assault right?

No-one goes around randomly hitting other people. How can he be so unaware of how inappropriate that is. I hope you tell him that.

This is terrible advice, suggesting that a shortage of available men after a certain age necessitates accepting an assault. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

No wonder men feel that they can get away with this stuff when it’s minimised by other women.

Definitely agree he knew what he was doing, but be the adult that sets him straight. Tell him the truth, bluntly and without apologies.

No, we shouldn't. But I'd like to think I've said something and maybe he'll think twice about doing it to the next woman.

Absolutely appalling, inappropriate, demeaning behaviour. Smacks of assertion of male dominance. Who the fuck does he think he is ? I wouldn't give him a second chance. You probably won't fancy him now anyway. And your 'it's just a bit of craic' friend must have very low standards.

I’m making too much of this

No you are not.

What he did was assault you. He gave you a "proper hard wallop". He slapped you. Would you think "I'm making too much of this" if he'd given you a "proper hard wallop" across the face?

Fuck this guy.

ETA; you have witnesses. You can always report him to the Police.

I'm sorry this happened to you. That was a physical assault. As part of a very public male control and dominance display. Of course you were shocked in the moment. It's easy to come up with the perfect assertive response from a distance. The important thing is you knew it was wrong, you immediately adjusted your response to him, and you didn't just go along with it. Impressive! Get rid of him, no excuse or explanation needed. Also your 'friend' who thinks this is in any way acceptable.