First night away with new BF, was he unreasonable

[India87]

As above - would you expect your partner to tell you if they were going to be bringing ‘kink’ items? Or is it appropriate to find out by walking into the bedroom after a bath and finding said items being worn?

The problem is that you are arbitrarily deciding what is/isn’t a kink based on your own preferences. You can draw that line for yourself. You can’t draw it for other people - that, in fact, is exactly what the OP’s mad ex tried to do.

Ultimately, beyond your own partner(s) you actually have no idea what the people in your life, people you know and love, get up to in the bedroom. And I can 100% guarantee you that plenty of the absolutely lovely, kind, sweet, respectful men and women you’ve met in your life are into kinky sex. You just don’t know about it.

The OP’s ex is a twat because he’s a twat, not because he’s into submissive sex toys. He just has no boundaries.

I suspect a lot of people have no boundaries. Boundaries are a good idea. And however much one might like fetish gear, some fetishes are dangerous to relationships e.g. AGP. Anal sex is harmful whoever does it, but mostly to women.

Man alive…that sounds absolutely awful. 🤢

I didn't say boundaries were a bad idea. Kinks should, in fact, be all about boundaries and trust, and for most people, they are. The OP ex doesn't understand that, and that has nothing do with his submissive kink and everything to do with him being a twat.

It's simply that you aren't the one who gets to set those boundaries for other people outside of your own relationships, because they are none of your business, and neither do you get to arbitrate on what is good or bad for two adults to do, with full consent, to one another in private.

It's not a case of 'kink = bad, abusive, harmful' and 'vanilla = good, healthy, loving'. The danger comes from coercion, manipulation and deceit, all of which is every bit as likely (and often a lot more insidious) in a mainstream/conventional sex life as it is in a kinky one.

I mean, we all knew he was a prick before this, but this doesn't even make any sense!

The trouble is that kink is so normalised in porn and popular culture these days that it's absolutely choc full of abusive arseholes who think that kink = excuse to practice their woman-hating fantasies with impunity.

Not all people who practice kink are abusive arseholes but dating websites (incl Fetlife) are flooded with them. The pool of kinky men looking to date is an infested cesspit of coercion, manipulation and deceit, and it has become next to impossible to find kinky men to date who don't fall into that category.

A libertarian stance. Certainly I am for doing nothing that harms someone else. Our problem is that 'kinks' of all sorts have become mainstream. OP's ex voiced this when he called her a 'prude' because she did not like or want his kink - which he saw as so normal it did not need discussion but was a treat he was offering her.

The danger is that because boundaries have been stretched somewhat (as exemplified by OP's story) and become elastic that abuse is much easier - framed as 'you're boring, you only want vanilla sex'. Vanilla sex is lovely, loving, kind, gentle and passionate sex that does not assume dominance and submission, though it may play those games. Sex is not a recreational toy, nor a pastime like going out to see a film etc. It is the stuff of our lives, the bonding between couples and the connections we make through sex are hard to undo. Sex is not a game, it has consequences for our mental and physical health. We should treat it with more respect.

The 2% are the ones confused by the question being 'Was HE being unreasonable?'. Because yes, he was. I just haven't voted 🤦🏼‍♀️

He deliberately planned it so you couldn't just go home, which you could have done if you were staying at his, or if he was at yours, you could have asked him to leave. Waiting until you were basically trapped in that location with him for the night is a gigantic red flag. Glad you've told him to take a hike.

I think that is outrageous. What he is into is his business but nobody should spring something like that on another person, unawares. I really feel for you. He is now turning nasty, trying to make out that it was for you and everybody does it. They do not! Quite frankly, from your description it sounds quite revolting, not to say bizarre.

Block him, move on.

This.
Imagine him thinking OP would get turned on seeing him with a dick on his face and a ball gag in his gob. Yuck, many would want to vomit 🤢 at that, not join in. The fact he thought his 'surprise ' would be a 'treat' shows how out of touch he is, and a total asshole. Now he's become an abusive asshole, just like his kink was, he is it, creepy perv.

Ick