To ask: Married ladies, what’s one reality check single women need to hear?

[BeforeTheRingBlinds]

Not the cliché stuff like “marriage takes work” or “communication is key”, we’ve heard that a million times. I mean the real stuff. The things no one really warns you about. The moments that blindside you. The shifts that happen after the ring or after kids or even just in the daily grind. What’s one truth you wish someone had told you before you got married, especially something that might surprise or sober up those of us who are still single?

AIBU to think that behind all the cute photos and wedding hype, there’s a whole layer of marriage that’s rarely spoken about?

(And yes, I’m ready for honesty not doom.)

If you lived together already, marriage isn't likely to be a massive game changer in dynamics. Having kids is.

Focus on the small stuff.

Big things about careers and children and houses come up naturally in conversations.

Small things like do you keep the ketchup in the fridge or cupboard, and is £5 a day on takeaway coffee a serious irritant long term don't tend to come up until mid fight.
Every day small irritations and annoyances can eventually become huge issues because it's every. single. day. that they put the ketchup in the damn fridge and you end up with ice cold ketchup anytime you want some.

It either works or it's over. Both putting 100% in or it's over. Both prioritising each other or nothing.

It didn't fail if it doesn't last forever. If it doesn't add to your life or make you happy then it's not worth the valuable time that is your one and only life.

Ill health, children, job changes or whatever nothing stops you putting each other first and anything less is a waste.

I was people watching in M & S cafe where couples (all ages) paid attention to each other, looked at each other's faces as they talked, touched their hands, cared for them - if it's not that then it's nothing. No diamonds, but just caring for each other.

You can't change anyone.

Don’t marry someone you don’t respect.
Don’t marry someone mean.
Make an active effort not to dwell on ordinary human frailties and failings.

Nothing changed after we got married. After we had kids though, there was a very big change. Then we had kids.

I hope that was general enough!

Does your worth go up the longer you hold out? If you shag someone on a first date and they end up wanting to marry you, does that mean you are no longer worthless because a man wants marry you? Is a man who judges you on this basis really worth that much anyway?

If you want a career and children, don't breed with a chauvanist.

Married 35 years:

You will argue, and you'll both learn exactly which buttons to press. Better to walk away than have your say. Wait until you're both calmer and ready to be nice.

The kids will try and play you off against each other. Communicate so they realise that ain't gonna work.

In my case, the way to his heart is through his stomach. Every once in a while make the effort. If he doesn't reciprocate (by also making the effort every once in a while to do something nice for you), then you're screwed.

No, he's not going to turn his socks the right way round after he's taken them off. If he hasn't changed this habit after you've nagged him for 10 years, then he's never going to change and you might as well get used to it.

Some things are meant to be private. Shit on your own.

Kindness and honesty are worth way more than money.

Sometimes one or both of you will be an arse. Try and find the funny side of it.

When you get seriously involved with a partner (not necessarily married as so many people aren't married but are still in equally committed long term relationships), their family are usually are part of the deal too. So make sure you get on with them too. Are they the sort of people you can share every significant event, every Christmas and holidays with? Do they have values you would want them to share in front of your children?

Most people surely figured this out long before they got married.

If you promise a man you’ll stand by him through anything, he’s likely to put you through everything.

I won’t bother then.The thread’s so general as to be meaningless.

Marriage is completely overrated and when you want to get rid of them you need to give them half your stuff. Also I am not a lady 🙄

Kindness and honesty are worth way more than money.

Absolutely this. Being in love is great but ultimately is just chemicals sloshing around your brain. Someone who is kind to you, and honest, is someone you can build trust and a relationship with.

Don’t marry the dickhead….simple really.

I think since getting married and having kids, I can’t make selfish choices.

I can sometimes prioritise my own wants and needs over theirs depending on circumstances but I never do it without careful consideration. Same goes for my DH. Every choice is about 4 people, not 1.

If you're having kids I completely disagree. Marriage makes you a unit financially and legally. I don't know a single woman who hasn't, in some way or other, sacrificed her career and earning capacity when kids have come along. Even if they continue to work full time they are still the default parent, still get the calls from nursery when the kid is sick, still cook more meals, do more laundry, have less to give to their career because they are giving more at home. I'm sure exceptions exist, but even among my friends, women who are entrepreneurs, surgeons, lawyers etc it's always the same.

Personally I wouldn't be putting myself in that situation if I wasn't legally entitled to my share of the financial success being earned off the back of my unpaid domestic labour in the event that the relationship breaks down. It's not marriage that benefits men, it's the unequal share of parenting and domestic labour that women take on. Within that structure I'd say most women are better off being married.

Hard agree. I've seen no evidence that unmarried women do less of the domestic work overall than married ones, but they do lack the legal protection. Inevitably some women are better off unmarried for various reasons, but at a class level, marriage protects and benefits women more than being unmarried.

We lived together, had kids and a dog and then got married. So for us, the marriage didn’t change loads.
I think it’s important to pick your battles; is it worth arguing over the fact that they leave wrappers everywhere? Choose someone that you actually like, not just love and get butterflies and says all the right things but someone you genuinely have fun with because you will go through every happy and sad and tragic thing together; will they support you or will they bail?
That’s my little snippet of advice.

Choose someone you like to be with and who shares your interests - not necessarily opinions but wildly divergent ideas can be a problem. Don't be blinded by 'being in love' - this is passion (if you're lucky) and doesn't last. Love lasts and that is based on liking each other.

Life can be really shit at times, it can be messy. You need someone who’ll literally poke a pile back up your anus after you’ve given birth (this happened to a mate of mine, her husband is a keeper). Someone who will plod on through the bad times as well as the good. Someone who is fairly dutiful through it all and understands it’s not all about his needs, but the family unit as a whole.

In short you have to be a team and face the bad stuff together. Ideally you’ll be able to laugh at it too.

Reading Mumsnet, there are many marriages that don’t stand up to the above.

I really dont think much changed for us. We were together 8 years before we got married though, and spent most of that time living together so we were used to everything already
9 years later we're still happy. Just keep being grateful for each other

Yes, bit odd to marry cliched 'bad boy' then whinge about it afterwards

Ideally maybe, but it's highly likely that one of you will be dependent on the other at some point, at least temporarily, if not permanently. This is one of the insights I took from my parents' marriage (mum became fully dependent on my dad due to a progressive disability) that I was acutely aware of going into mine. Make sure you choose someone you are comfortable being dependent on, and who you would be prepared to care for if it came down to it. Before meeting my DH, I left a couple of ostensibly good relationships because I didn't 100% trust that they'd stick by me if the worst should happen.