To ask: Married ladies, what’s one reality check single women need to hear?

[BeforeTheRingBlinds]

Not the cliché stuff like “marriage takes work” or “communication is key”, we’ve heard that a million times. I mean the real stuff. The things no one really warns you about. The moments that blindside you. The shifts that happen after the ring or after kids or even just in the daily grind. What’s one truth you wish someone had told you before you got married, especially something that might surprise or sober up those of us who are still single?

AIBU to think that behind all the cute photos and wedding hype, there’s a whole layer of marriage that’s rarely spoken about?

(And yes, I’m ready for honesty not doom.)

You live. You die. The only two things anyone really knows for certain.

Do your DH and DS not do anything to help, even if it's participating in tasks and decisions? I'm not saying you're wrong in your assumption, but one of the unenjoyable burdens I find about being permanently single is having to do everything and decide everything on your own whether it be "fun things" (choosing new furniture or booking a holiday) or stressful things like sorting out a leaky pipe. 100% of everything falls to you 100% of the time and I find that very wearing.

Why married 'ladies' and single 'women' ?

Not really, love makes you overlook stuff that you might faintly disagree on because they aren't an issue at the time.

in my case my exH and i had music in common, and some films, and gaming, but after we married and he started being a bit difficult, i started to realise i didn't like his SoH, and i disagreed to the point of stark opposites with his political views which were becoming more entrenched and right wing the older he got... i was becoming more liberal the older i got... and i realised we were never actually 'friends' like i'm friends with my actual friends who i share fundamental things with.. like politics, religion, ethics & morality.

People change as they age, so there will be some natural drift, but when you look at the person you married and realise actually there is nothing you like about them/their personality, you're fucked.

Don't spend so much money, time and effort on the wedding, spend it on the marriage.

this

That's a good point.

Yes, they do both participate to varying degrees, and with varying amounts of interest. I think the hardest thing I find is that having solved a problem, DH will reject my solution outright, but without offering an alternative. It's very frustrating as I invest time and energy but without any result. To that end I think that being 100% responsible might be preferable?
I had lived alone for about six years before we married and I don't remember who I made decisions with. I must have discussed things with friends or family, I suppose.

My cousin that is married to a banker used to out earn him. However, she couldn’t work after having children. Her job took her around the world and you can’t do that with young children. He earns so much that she doesn’t need to work. This isn’t a situation of marrying for a meal ticket and she didn’t marry up, either. She married someone who was at the start of his career who had plans for his future and goals to achieve them.

Many women don’t consider that they will need time off after having children.

My own child has SEN. I’ve had to leave work to care for him in his early development as what I do now will impact the rest of his life. I can’t be coming home at 9pm from the office (which is something that often happened).

As I was a lot older when I settled down I was a lot more ruthless in who I would have a relationship with. Financial security was incredibly important to me as I had wasted time on men who were lazy and earned less than me.

Before going back onto considering dating or a relationship decide what you want in a partner
Kind
Considerate
Not a drinker
Not violent, or "angry"
Intelligent
Not onto sports

There were my red lines. Perhaps I lost out when disregarding one or two but after 30 years of being single found someone who meets all.

Oh and you will never change him. Never.

@Muffinmam So you only ever want an man who earns more than you so you can pack up work? Wow.

Nobody said just marry your best friend and ignore everything else.

Surely just marrying for money can be just as stupid. Fancy holidays isn’t everything.

Communication is infrastructure! Eventually men stop listening!

BUT, if you want your marriage to work, you have to take hold of the reins.

We don’t need your patronising advice. Most of us are single through choice as we already know what the majority men are like.