To ask: Married ladies, what’s one reality check single women need to hear?

[BeforeTheRingBlinds]

Not the cliché stuff like “marriage takes work” or “communication is key”, we’ve heard that a million times. I mean the real stuff. The things no one really warns you about. The moments that blindside you. The shifts that happen after the ring or after kids or even just in the daily grind. What’s one truth you wish someone had told you before you got married, especially something that might surprise or sober up those of us who are still single?

AIBU to think that behind all the cute photos and wedding hype, there’s a whole layer of marriage that’s rarely spoken about?

(And yes, I’m ready for honesty not doom.)

i agree with the marrying your friend.

Take away the butterflies, the love, all the trappings of it being a partnership.. whats left?

If you don't have a strong friendship as a foundation, once all that fades, and it does.. you may find yourself sharing your home with someone you have nothing in common with and don't actually like.

I don't understand what "transition" is there when it comes to marriage considering most people (on MN and in west) live together before marriage anyway.
Like I had a new ring, that's about it when it comes to transition.

Before you get married, commit financially or have kids... read him loads of mumsnet posts to see his reaction and tell him yours...

And ensuites are not sexy
They will fart more with age

You can't strike a match on a jelly - so don't even try.

There will come a point where undressing in front of each other involves facing up to cellulite, gravity, going grey in places you don't want to go grey, and various other by-products of life.

If you genuinely cannot cope with that, don't commit to spending a life with someone.

No gives out unfiltered advice?? Oh come op this is mumsnet. I think Ihave seen it all on here.

I hate the sound of dhs breathing when I'm.trying to watch a film. His breathing sometimes pisses me off.

Could be so many things couldn't it? From him shagging the bridesmaids on the wedding day. To the way he tumble drys the delicates to a crisp. I'm sure my dh has a catalogue of things that he hates about me too.

I’d rather keep the thread general rather than about my age or specifics. I’m more interested in the broad lessons people have learned regardless of age.

Be aware that you never completely know anyone and that the person you love and think is happy can completely blindside you even after 20+ years together.

He will become unnecessarily noisy after 40, don’t move in with him.

I'd say why on earth do you think you need advice from married women? Or that anyone should be advising anyone else to marry? So bizarre. How about live your life and enjoy yourself and get to know what makes you happy and find purpose and joy. Whether married or not

On Earth, you mean? I was wondering the same thing.

no one believed you were that genuine, but you REALLY are not making any effort now

That for better or worse knows no bounds.

Even before DH and I got married the worse had begun. His 16yo son died outbox the blue, not a car accident but utterly preventable. A huge chunk of dh died that day. 2 years and a wedding later, what I thought was the worst then was just a drop in the ocean of the roller coaster since that day.

I utterly adore DH, but there are days when I question my choices. Especially when he is still so distraught (understandably) that when I have subsequently lost a close friend who was like a sister or more recently my uncle, he doesn't have enough emotional quotient left to even check how I am..

Knowing that even in your worst day his will always be worse is hard work. It means you always coming second, having to second guess how he might react to every bit of news be it good or bad. It is draining.

It's not martyrdom, just fact

I’m not looking for advice on whether I should marry, just interested in the perspectives on people are willing to share. Everyone’s path is different.

Those of a bloke/ or someone from a foreign culture/ or someone setting up a sketchy guide for prospective spouses (misc) from a nearby planet?
Definitely doesn't feel like it’s been dreamed up by 30-year old Ms Everywoman from Penge.

Do women turn into ladies when they get married????

Sometimes I pull my ring on and off to enjoy the sudden switching between states.

Can you share some specific examples of things you've seen?

Some couples proudly boast that they've been married x number of years and never had an argument. Like that's something to be proud of. What it means is that one person - usually the woman - doesn't think for herself or have her own opinions. Having a disagreement is healthy if it can be resolved or respected. So my advice would be, respect yourself and be an equal partner.

My biggest tip for anyone is choose their partner very carefully. I had a really bad relationship before I met my husband and I knew I was never willing to put up with that kind of shit again so my standards were VERY high. He's amazing. I find marriage so easy, we don't fight, we both consider each other all the time, he's my best friend as well as the love of my life. With the right person it doesn't have to be hard, but you also need to treat the right person with consideration and kindness.

I was single for years until I met DH. I married him because he's funny and my best friend. He's the only person who has my back 100%. He's not a high earner but he's kind, honest and always there for me.
Having said that most days I want to hit him with a brick. For breathing, talking utter crap. And for being very annoying!! Sometimes I fantasise about being single, but I wouldnt be where I am without him.
We've nearly split up several times but talking things through makes us stronger.
Its hard but for me worth it. I know I'm lucky mostly and try not to take him for granted.

I need to know because I might need to catch up and just maybe stop drinking beers directly from the can, I guess

I think marriage works when both parties think they're getting a "good deal" from it, most of the time.

It was just a throwaway phrase. I didn’t mean anything literal by it.

Just the usual range - friends who found the shift from dating to married life harder than expected and others who said it made no real difference. Things like changes in routines, expectations, household dynamics, that sort of thing. Nothing dramatic or thread-worthy, which is why I was asking more broadly.