To ask: Married ladies, what’s one reality check single women need to hear?

[BeforeTheRingBlinds]

Not the cliché stuff like “marriage takes work” or “communication is key”, we’ve heard that a million times. I mean the real stuff. The things no one really warns you about. The moments that blindside you. The shifts that happen after the ring or after kids or even just in the daily grind. What’s one truth you wish someone had told you before you got married, especially something that might surprise or sober up those of us who are still single?

AIBU to think that behind all the cute photos and wedding hype, there’s a whole layer of marriage that’s rarely spoken about?

(And yes, I’m ready for honesty not doom.)

@SeaAndStars Oh quite. We couldn't afford a wedding photographer at our wedding of 17 guests so we only have one decent photo to admire every day (this part is genuine btw).
I'd also like to say that I enjoy I wearing my wedding dress on a daily basis but I'd only get one boob in it these days 😄

Best piece of advice I can give; don’t ask yourself can I live with him, ask yourself can I live WITHOUT him.

Ohhh I thought this was going to be for dire warnings from the married folks to the committed spinsters (such as myself). For example “if you’re single and over 37 then you’ll be alone forever and no man will ever want you” type prophecies of doom 🤣🤣

Totally read the room wrong.

Anyway, as you were…

That there is a reason the happiest people are married men and single women.

Never been here before?

What a fab OP! This is the MN I like reading/ find helpful etc.

Here are my good tips - marry someone that you enjoy going on holiday with and doing the same things.

only marry someone if you like / can tolerate their parents. Who do you think they’ll turn into as they get older?

always have a job and your own money so you are an equal partner and can walk away if you need to.

only marry someone you fancy and want to have sex with.

marry someone you respect and respects you.

(cue lots of people saying they they haven’t turned into their parents - yes you probably have!)

@Mrsnothingthanks Our photos are high 1980s bows and peach satin puff sleeves handsomely bound in grey velour. Having only one photo might have been a blessing. We were as skint as you and couldn't afford one of the new-fangled wedding videos so my brother recorded it all on an audio cassette for us. Now we're older and richer (bloody boomers) we have made a second copy in case the first cassette fails.

Jeez I thought that was one of those 1950s newspaper articles... You actually believe all that trad wife shit? Who would want such a fragile-egoed man child that needs mummying? What an ick. Real men like strong women

They don’t you know, Cosmopolitan magazine just tells you that.

My lovely dh is very easy to please - beef wellington just once a week (pastry must be homemade, naturally) and a simple casserole or soufflé will suffice the other 6 evenings.

Also please remember to give him sex or at the very least a BJ whenever he asks - that is your duty as a wife, it’s important to remember a man has conjugal rights and if you don’t perform these simple tasks you’ve only yourself to blame if you find out he’s been balls deep in Sandra from Accounting for the last 6 months when he’s been telling you he’s at golf!

I know for a fact my own dh is definitely at golf as his golfing buddies vouch for him thankfully. And it means nothing that he’s oft not home until 1am - the courses are floodlit nowadays 😊

It's very much like before you get married, except you don't have to plan a wedding anymore! Eventually you both get older but hopefully at the same rate.

Nigel? Is that you? Stop waffling - those potatoes aren’t going to peel themselves.

Haha! Amazing. Thanks Dolly, I needed a laugh. Bet you drink your milk straight from the cow, dontcha?

Lesbians have more orgasms.

With the right person it's not work, it's piss easy. The problem is a vast number of people aren't with the right person, they're with the nearest "they'll do".

Take your time, we knew each other for three years before we brought our first house and lived together for four years before we got married. It was 7 years from the day we met to the day we got married.
The day I got married, I knew I was doing the exactly the right thing. I remember the photographer saying he had never seen such a happy bride and that was 34 years ago.
There will be days when you do wonder what it would be like if things were different, but really no more than wishful thinking and when problems like cancer strike, that’s when being in a team helps so much.

To not reply to blindingly obvious US journos on Mumsnet.

Know that you will always be facing new scenarios together, nothing is predictable and there will always be some aspect that you will uncover that you didn't know before.

Best advice is to have already rode a few storms out before you get married. Dare I say times must have already gotten so bad that you've contemplated time apart or spent time apart and realised that you are better together and that the hard work it worth it.

I feel for anyone getting married who have never faced any difficulties or had the pressure of children to test them. I couldn't imagine feeling locked in with someone whilst navigating that.

It is work, it is negotiation, it is understanding and supporting.

When you find someone on the same page as you, it is worth it's weight in gold.

Is she serious ? God I can’t tell anymore.

My mum says it's like having a dog. Amazing but messy and hard work, and you only get out what you put in.
If, like some poster say, OP is a journalist, my mum would laugh to see this published.

Ahhh you’re jooooking. I fell for it. 🤦🏻‍♀️

do they? I'd love to know where that comes from - the fact, not the orgasms 😂

Noone says it, but they should, you need to set guidelines over who does what, right at the outset.

It can be very mundane sometimes.... work, eat, sleep, repeat....

Make sure you actually like him before you go any further.

oooh OP

It's not marriage that changes things, it's growing up.

What I mean is, I had an awful DH#1, whereas DH#2 is the most awesome human being I've ever met 💗

What made the difference for #2 marriage was not settling for the stuff I thought was OK for #1.

However! the only way to find out and learn is to make mistakes.

I sometimes see couples who have had healthy, happy upbringings, who naturally gravitate towards healthy, happy relationships.

But I think these are rare. For most of us, it's a process of trial, error, and discovery (Who am I?) ... and much of that is put on hold when caring for children.

Eventually, it is possible to muddle through and find our happy place, but only if we have the courage and insight to make terrifying choices based on nothing but gut instinct, when we have no experience of any other reality to reassure us that we're not going mad.

Many people never do this.

Not sure if this makes sense, but that's my tuppeny ha'penny worth 🌞

Sadly I have to agree.

Wonderful answer!