To ask: Married ladies, what’s one reality check single women need to hear?

[BeforeTheRingBlinds]

Not the cliché stuff like “marriage takes work” or “communication is key”, we’ve heard that a million times. I mean the real stuff. The things no one really warns you about. The moments that blindside you. The shifts that happen after the ring or after kids or even just in the daily grind. What’s one truth you wish someone had told you before you got married, especially something that might surprise or sober up those of us who are still single?

AIBU to think that behind all the cute photos and wedding hype, there’s a whole layer of marriage that’s rarely spoken about?

(And yes, I’m ready for honesty not doom.)

It's very obvious, but it's coming back so often, and should be a reality check for both

Becoming a house cleaner kills sexual sparks
Being taken for granted kills sexual sparks
Being too "comfortable" kills sexual interest

Basically, can't complain if your partner doesn't want to have sex as often as the beginning or worst, looks elsewhere, when you are not the person they wanted to have sex with at the start, because you are arguing over dirty socks next to the laundry basket, because one burps and farts like you are part of the furniture...

If you marry the right person, it isn't hard work. And (actually I heard somebody else say this but I think it's true) when people say it should be an equal partnership that equality should be in the round, not looking to achieve a 50-50 day in and day out and scanning to achieve that breeds ill will.

There are times when one person can bring more resources to the table than the other - and if you or they don't have enough generosity to cover the gap in times of illness/ upset/ misfortune then you are delaying the inevitable.

There's a lot of it about.

That marriage is safety and belonging and a responsibility to that person for the rest of your life.

Not everyone is a journalist.

The soul destroying realisation that he thinks the kids and housework are more your responsibility than his.

A good, long-term marriage mostly depends on the capacity of the woman to be treated like shit. This is especially true if you have children and there will be an inevitable uneven division of labour.

The most "solid" marriages are actually women who are genuinely willing to put all of their own needs last. They define themselves by their families so they can stay happy as long as all of their family members are happy and taken care of. They thrive on the idea that they are creating an ideal family and will act like the glue that enables all the family members to stick together. This may also be a trauma response from a bad childhood or not having a perfect family growing up.

Every woman has a different breaking point for "being treated like shit". Some may be happy putting up with laziness as long as their partner stays faithful. Others are willing to look past horrendous abuse or illegal/criminal behaviour. If you have the capacity to accept and forgive whatever your husband does (or doesn't do in terms of neglect or childcare) then you can maintain the happiest looking marriage from the outside.

I don't feel my worth is determined by how quickly I do or don't have sex with someone. That's not my biggest selling point.

@User564523412 My second marriage is a truly equal partnership; I didn't accept putting up with being treated like shit in the first one (wealth irrelevant).

I watched a video an hour ago
I've no idea if the figures are correct but they work for me! 😄

56% of marriages end in divorce

23% of the remaining marriages are held together because of "the children and or finances"

21% of marriages are happy

I'll remain single 🤣

Oh yes, another thing, if you say you are happily married the malcontents circle and paint you as a woman labouring under some awful false consciousness and then they will seal their superiority by calling this uninvited bollocks a feminist lens.

That it really isn’t much to ask to massage your dh’s feet when he asks, have a lovely dinner you’ve prepared from scratch on the table every night and hand him a freshly mixed drink when he walks in from work. Also smile benignly and say “yes darling” even if he says something you don’t agree with. Men don’t want some harridan who’ll disagree with him and make him feel silly. They like to be admired and told they’re clever.

That’s really the secret to a happy marriage - and if only the sad single women realised that and didn’t try to be all “feminist” and clever they’d find a husband that much quicker!

I was unprepared for the volume of farts.

@MrsPrendergast I agree that lots of women are unhappily married but stay for financial reasons. Not for me, but I suppose it's about priorities ateotd.

absolutely!

and frankly, I don't want to waste 6 months of my life with a man chasing me when we are not compatible in bed (or when he's crap in bed, whatever way you want to put it)

I say don’t get married until you truly know yourself and your boundaries. And make sure you know that man inside out, through good times and bad. Know what he’s like under pressure and frustrated and make sure you still like him in those circumstances. See how he treats shop workers and waitresses.

You need to be friends and respectful to each other even when the going gets tough, which it inevitably does in a marriage sometimes.

And don’t enjoy ‘playing house’ so much that you become the default perfect little domestic drone ‘cause that shit will drain the life out of you and it’s a terrible role model for your future kids.

Don't marry someone because you want to be married, marry them because you want to be married to THEM. Because they make your life all the better for being a part of it. This x10 if you want to have children. If they lazy and selfish before marriage and children, they will be the same after children but it will feel worse for you. I remember hearing my MIL telling my SIL that her selfish DP will step up after marriage and children and I was shocked by the lie. No he fucking won't.

Sometimes you’ll marry the wrong person for you, and you won’t even realise it until years later.

only problem is when you behave like that, your husband will cheat or dump you for the first interesting and lively woman he meets 😂

And a man who would truly believe they want a Stepford wife-robot would not be interesting to be with anyway, imagine being stuck with someone wish such little self confidence

For me marrying your best friend. The one who you can rely on to wipe away your tears, to hold you up when you can't go on, who makes you laugh. And when you come in is always there to welcome you, and most of all you enjoy their company
I also agree that pre marriage counselling is helpful- so you are on the same page, lay down rules about communicating, and lay some foundations about date nights etc when in early days with young kids.

AIBU to think that behind all the cute photos and wedding hype, there’s a whole layer of marriage that’s rarely spoken about?

YABU. It is genuinely just the cute photos and wedding. DH and I have spent the nearly 40 years of our marriage wearing our wedding clothes. We take it in turns to sweep up the confetti. We have a small sherry and a slice of wedding cake every day for dinner and he makes a speech afterwards.

He drives a Rolls, I sit in the back carrying a posy of freesias and a man comes in twice a week to take misty photos of us. Our family visit wearing hats and ties and in our back room are 25,678 toast racks and 59 full Eternal Beau dinner services. The cat is black for luck.

No hidden layers. It's all just the wedding. Nothing else to speak about.
What were you expecting? Real life with all it's ups and downs and constant change? Surely not.

Jeez I thought that was one of those 1950s newspaper articles... You actually believe all that trad wife shit? Who would want such a fragile-egoed man child that needs mummying? What an ick. Real men like strong women.

You’ll be better off financially than most single women unless you separate and then you’ll be poorer than most women who remained single.

Amount, noise or both🤭

SeaAndStars

🤣🤣🤣

Eternal Beau…now that’s a blast from the past!